Ariana Grande Is Not A Cannibal, CMC Explains Olivia Culpo's Makeup Routine, Snakes In Pants & HOA Nightmares
Slow news week, huh?
You know, sometimes, one of the challenges of writing this column is not sounding tone deaf. Most of the time, that's not a problem. We're here to bring some levity to your day — to make you laugh and to give you a break from the regular news cycle.
But sometimes that news cycle is particularly heavy. Last year in March, I was tasked with writing Nightcaps right after the Covenant School shooting in Nashville, where I live. I had to find a way to be lighthearted and funny when the state of my community was anything but. And this week, after the attempted assassination of former President Trump, it feels eerily similar.
But I think we sometimes need a break — a bit of comedic relief. So we're going to do what Nightcaps does… laugh about some outlandish celebrity rumors, watch some funny videos and gripe about our first-world problems. Because as the late, great Jimmy Buffett said, "If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane."
So first, let's start with this:
The whole skit is hilarious, and you can watch it here.
I think we could ALL use a drink after what we witnessed this weekend. Make it a double, and let's roll. It's Nightcaps time!
Ariana Grande Is Not A Cannibal
You know, when I first saw this headline, I thought, Well, I hadn't really considered that possibility, but now I have questions. So let's dive in.
Last Thursday, Ariana's older brother Frankie took to Twitter / X to defend his pop star sister against rumors that she eats dead people.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow!" Frankie wrote. "This might be the most creative and lowest y’all have ever gone. Reaching new depths daily! Listen, I know my sister's been eating the girls up for years but this a bit extreme. Besides, she's vegan."
Well, OK then. I'm glad we cleared that up.
But where there's smoke, there's usually fire. So I had to look into this one just to make sure that fire wasn't Ariana grilling up some humans in her backyard.
Turns out, this very stupid rumor started with her own fans. There was an online trend among the Gen Z folk (it's always the Gen Z folk) where they'd concoct outrageous falsehoods about their favorite pop stars in a silly effort to deter people from buying concert tickets. Less demand means a lower price — In Joe Biden's economy, baby, you just gotta get creative!
Anyway, the rumor that Ariana is a cannibal somehow spun out of control, leading some people to take the accusations seriously. Others even began spreading false reports (at least, I think they are false) that human remains were found in the Chicago home that Ariana sold in 2013.
First of all, Ariana was only 20 years old in 2013. So unless creepy Dan Schneider was feeding her human flesh over at Nickelodeon Studios, I doubt she would have perfected killing and eating people at such a young age. Hell, even Jeffrey Dahmer waited until his late 20s — for the cannibalism part, anyway.
Too dark? Let's move on.
Olivia Culpo's Makeup — As Told By Christian McCaffrey
This video was posted in June, but it's recently been making the rounds, so let's watch.
Unless you've never opened TikTok or Instagram in your entire life, you're probably familiar with the "Get Ready With Me" videos. In these videos, women (well, usually women) take you through the process of their morning skincare, makeup and hair routine before they — I don't know — go walking around Target or something.
Olivia Culpo does these GRWM things pretty frequently, but recently she had then-fiancé (now hubby) Christian McCaffrey narrate for her. And he did about as well as you'd expect a man to do with that sort of thing.
Watch:
I'm far from a beauty expert, so If I'm being honest, I could only explain about half of those products myself. Therefore, I'm giving Christian a solid A for effort.
Now, we need one of him explaining her wedding dress and telling the haters to go play in traffic.
Is that A Snake In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
Oh, nevermind. It is a snake in your pants — SEVERAL of them.
A man in Hong Kong attempted to smuggle more than 100 live snakes through airport security by stuffing them inside his pants pockets last week.
Yes, you read that right: 100 LIVE SNAKES. He was caught by Chinese Customs trying to illegally bring the danger noodles into the border city of Shenzhen.
"Upon inspection, customs officers discovered that the pockets of the trousers the passenger was wearing were packed with six canvas drawstring bags and sealed with tape," a statement from Customs said. "Once opened, each bag was found to contain living snakes in all kinds of shapes, sizes and colors."
The statement said officers seized 104 of the scaly reptiles, including milk snakes and corn snakes, many of which were non-native species.
Sheesh, China. Ever heard of emotional support animals?!
Reportedly, China is one of the world's biggest animal trafficking hubs, but authorities have cracked down on the illicit trade in recent years.
But apparently, it's not just a China problem. In March, Thai customs officials arrested six Indians for attempting to smuggle a red panda and 86 other animals — including snakes, parrots and monitor lizards — into Mumbai. And in February, a Mongolian man was arrested at the same airport for trying to smuggle Komodo dragons, pythons and two dozen live fish out of the country.
We've got people putting whole pandas in their luggage in Asia, and I can't even bring my shampoo bottle through TSA.
Tales From The HOA
Last week, I wrote about a raging grump who broke some kids' fishing pole and screamed in their faces because they had the audacity to fish in a neighborhood pond. Turns out, the guy is president of the HOA and (apparently) chief of the fun police.
So I asked y'all to send me your experiences — both good and bad — with the HOA. And spoiler alert, most of them were bad.
Marc S. Was Not Allowed To Park On His Own Gravel:
I had a nice house in Scottsdale, AZ and was under control of the worst HOA ever. They had a rule that no cars were allowed to be parked on the streets overnight (totally quiet neighborhood type streets, the rule made no sense).
I had 2 roommates, and all of us had girlfriends, so there were always overnight parking issues. Next to the driveway was an unpaved area which led to a gate that would open on the side of the house for boat/RV storage. One of the girlfriends would park on the unpaved area as it was clearly meant for vehicles.
The HOA disagreed and started fining us for "parking on the landscaping" (but it was just gravel). We disagreed and pointed out there was no overflow parking area, and we were attempting to obey the no overnight parking on the streets rule, so we asked how we were supposed to accommodate our guests?
They kept fining us. We never paid the fines. Eventually they took us to small claims court, where we won. I remember the judge specifically asking the HOA, "Is everyone supposed to ride a bike in your community?" Regardless, I sold the house not long after to get away from those power-hungry assholes.
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Tim S. Can't Put A Tiny Sign In His Front Yard:
Our neighborhood has an HOA (it is run by a management company, yet has residents on some sort of planning/esthetics board). We have no sidewalks in our neighborhood, and I have had several neighbors over time who have walked their pets on our property (I have nothing against pets, yet do not want them on my property when many pet owners do not follow the rules and pick up after themselves or show courtesy to non-pet owners). The city in which I live allows residents to pay a fee and register their home as no-trespassing, and by paying for a sign that the city office provides, local law enforcement can enforce people trespassing on the property when the signage is displayed. I wouldn't have done this if my neighbors had honored my request to stay off the property.
So upon putting up the no-trespassing signage I purchased from the city, I received an email within a day or two from the HOA to tell me to take down the signage as it did not conform to neighborhood requirements (despite the same exact signage being used at two different entrances to a local park within our neighborhood). I have since asked multiple times what signage criteria I should follow, especially if the same signage is already being used in the neighborhood at the park. I have not received any specifications to date on what type of signage can be displayed (which essentially makes my no-trespassing registration non-enforceable per law enforcement).
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I have gone back to the city, which provides the no-trespassing guidance, and they say that the HOA takes precedents on such matters (so then it makes me wonder why the city has such options if an HOA can override, and/or why the HOA does not provide similar options to the city's guidance). I have resorted to having my original signage on my property in more secluded and hidden areas so neighborhood HOA "spies" (whomever spotted my signs originally) can't see the signage as easily, yet I have it out in case no-trespassing needs to be enforced.
Crazy — so I am on-board with having no HOAs. Plus, they take over $300/year and apparently don't represent all of their residents (at least from my perspective) equally. I was told, per the HOA, that pet owners should be able to walk their pets on the front six-feet of my property, which essentially makes my property a public park in such space, despite my paying taxes, upkeep and showing such property on my plot!
Anthony C.'s HOA Was More Like A Prison:
Oh man. Those people are out of control. I have so many stories from my 15 years living in a HOA that I don't know where to start. (We moved to a non HOA area in 2020.)
We have had a complaint that we had too many ornaments on the house and they "competed" with the windows. So we have to take one down. (The board member had the same style house I had, so that was easy for her to call that one out.)
Come home after a long day of work and forget to take your signs off your truck? $150 fine if it happens 2x in a calendar year.
Had security tell me I need to close my garage if I am not coming in or out. You can't have it open and work or use it as a man cave.
Had security come into my backyard during my kid's party and hang out with us. Um, you need to go.
Had security put no parking stickers on my guests' cars after 11 pm that would not come off. (Think sanitation stickers.)
Got yelled at for fishing in MY OWN pond.
Had neighbors that I thought were friends rat on me for keeping my landscaping equipment hidden out in back of my house. (More fines, no more friends.)
Neighborhood Facebook page was blocking people that did not agree with the policies. So if you spoke out, they silenced you by blocking you.
Kids peeing in the pool forces it to close... daily.
Board members skim funds and get caught — forcing everyone to be under investigation.
In closing... If you're in an HOA and like jail or Russia, then that's where you need to be. Otherwise… sell your house and fix things the old-fashioned way: Go talk to your neighbor about your problems.
Warren M. On Florida HOA Drama:
I live in an HOA neighborhood and no nightmares, and I even served on the board. Just the occasional cranky neighbor.
But I’ve heard of old guys getting into literal fist fights in other HOA neighborhoods down here, probably Boca Raton. One of the A/C guys who does service for us told me his board was recently voted out in an emergency election after a LOT of money went missing. Made the news, I hear; allegedly siphoned off money from a road repaving project.
'Stop Asian Hate' Needs To Look Into Herb M.'s Hood:
I once volunteered for my HOA when I moved into a new development. One of the other HOA members was pushing for a limit on the length of your lawn, and if it was ever exceeded, wanted the HOA to hire someone to cut it.
Another guy on the board wanted to ban people from putting up a trellis in their backyard, which one guy used to grow grapes near his house. Same guy also wanted us to force an Asian couple to remove a banner they had hung at their entrance porch which essentially said "welcome friends" in Chinese. Thought it looked trashy.
Tim Is The Lone Defender Of The Neighborhood Police:
Amber, here's what happens when you don't have HOAs. You'd like to think you can trust people not to be complete animals, but you can't.
See video:
Amber:
Any damn day, I would take a FLEET of refrigerators in my neighbor's yard over someone telling me when I'm allowed to have my own garage door open.
Defund the HOA.
An Important Note On Boating — From Jeff D.
I wanted to write to you regarding Stacy's boat rules. While I agree with most of the rules, two stood out to me and brought back bad memories as a Coast Guard search and rescue controller many years ago:
1. Turn the GPS on your phone off. This is especially important when fishing reefs offshore.
2. Tell everyone at home you do not know when you will be back. That depends on the fish.
While very few people go boating with the expectation that they will have an accident, engine problems, get caught in a storm, or have a medical emergency, these things do occur. In fact, during prime boating season, these emergencies can occur multiple times per day.
Before you go boating, you should let someone on shore know when you expect to return. This way if you are overdue, Search and Rescue can begin the process of looking for you.
File a float plan of where you expect to be, when you plan to return and where you launched your boat from.
Usually, while the marine units are searching for the boaters in distress, the sheriff's department will check the boat ramp parking area for their truck. If the truck has already hauled the boat out, we can save the taxpayers a lot of money and save valuable resources.
I've been involved with successful rescues which are always a good feeling. I've also been on the calls where the Captain tells the family that the Coast Guard is calling off the search, and I still feel the sadness 20 years later.
Most importantly, Stacy's comment of, "the FIRST thing you ask is where the life jackets are stowed." Really, the first thing you should do is put on a life jacket! Especially if fishing or duck hunting, they make inflatable life jackets that you will hardly know you are wearing. I took many calls where the family said, "He's a good swimmer!" But even Michael Phelps will eventually tire or get hypothermia.
I was never involved in a drowning case where someone was wearing a life jacket.
One More Thing
Why do I feel so incredibly bad for Odin?
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.