The Anonymous Mailbag

Two weeks ago we debuted the anonymous mailbag to rave reviews. Last week I missed writing on Tuesday because I was traveling back from Dallas. I was, however, gratified by how many of you griped about the anonymous mailbag not going up. This is an experiment that relies upon you guys emailing me good questions/comments/or confessions. So far so good. 

Are there enough anonymous submissions that we can keep this thing rolling all offseason? So far the evidence suggests yes. But you'll have to keep them coming. The anonymous mailbag is only as good as your anonymous questions.  

Without further ado, here we go:

"I have a massive problem on my hands that I am totally freaked out by, honestly. A few months ago, one of my best friends got engaged, and to make a long story short, a few days ago I heard from a friend that her soon-to-be husband is on the dating app grindr, which, in case you didn't know, is like tinder but for gay people. Seeing as her wedding date is set for spring and we are rapidly approaching that, I am panicking. I have also heard from friends that he has slept with multiple men...out of fear that I will ruin her big day, I have not said anything yet, but I also don't want her to end up marrying him only for him to turn around and cheat on her with men. Needless to say, I am in need of a little help in handling this situation. Thanks a lot!" 

Oh, man.

I'm no expert on engaged women, but this is probably every engaged woman's worst nightmare right, that your fiance/husband is secretly gay and living a double life with his gay male lovers? (My assumption is this is worse than a husband being straight and having a mistress. Because while that's a fear at least you got your husband's sexuality right.) 

My first inclination is you have to catch him on the app yourself because otherwise it's just a rumor. Even, that is, if you trust the source. (Who is the source, by the way? He has to be someone who knows the girl and the guy. So another in the closet gay Southern guy?) You don't want to bring this story out unless you have proof. Because if there's no proof then your friend could end up blaming you, thereby ruining your relationship. 

While I'm a gay Muslim, I'm not on grindr or Tinder or any of these other apps that makes married men wonder why sex with young women gets progressively easier every month that married sex with your actual wife gets more difficult. But I digress. I know Tinder works geographically. Grindr has to work the same way, right? So why not sign up and spend a weekend scrolling through gay male profiles in the area and see if he pops up? If he does you screen shot it and claim that a male friend of yours sent it to you, but he's also secretly gay and didn't want to tell the bride himself. Then she at least has some evidence to confront him with. Maybe there's an explanation. For instance, what if he's just really good looking and someone is using his profile picture to pick up other men? I mean, there have to be a ton of faked photos on these sites, right?

You can't go to your friend with suspicions that her fiance is gay without really great evidence. Otherwise you end up being blamed if he talks his way out of it. What's more, given how Southern women are, couldn't you also get blamed for being jealous and trying to sabotage her happiness? Here's a scary question, what percentage of Southern brides would still get married to a guy having a gay affair because they'd already sent out the invitations and didn't want to cancel the wedding?

"For obvious reasons please keep this anonymous. My in-laws are all preachers or missionaries. Every last one of them. Even the women all claimed to be ordained ministers. Each family event is filled with church talk non stop. I am the black sheep I suppose. I just sit around and read the Clay Travis Twitter feed while they do their thing.

Here's the issue, they know I'm not very religious but at each family function they always ask me to lead prayer. I really have nothing to say so I just stumble through it. My wife says this is an honor and they do this because they like me. I think they're just punking me in hopes I'll sound stupid and feel uncomfortable.

Will I be out of line if I decline to say prayer before the next family meal? Is it worth going a month without sex cause my wife is mad at me or do I just keep making stuff up and saying amen."  

What you're really asking is will it be a scandal if -- in a house full of extremely religious people that you happen to be related to -- you basically announce that you aren't that into God. And the answer is HELL YES. This would be an incredible scene for a movie, but it's an awful decision in real life. Can you imagine how awkward it gets when you refuse to say the prayer before the family meal? The only thing that could make it better is if you stood up and said, hopefully in front of children as well, "AND I THINK WHEN WE DIE THAT HEAVEN DOESN'T EXIST AND WE ALL WILL NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN!"

So you keep the peace and say the prayer.

Since your wife knows how you feel, if you want to be a rebel of sorts, I'd suggest you pick a "favorite" Bible verse, memorize it, and incorporate it into the prayer with great gusto. If possible, keep a straight face and explain how that Bible verse governs your present life situation in the prayer. Which Bible verse would I suggest?

How about Ephesians 5:22-23 "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

There's nothing modern women love more than being told that God wants them to submit to their husband in everything. 

Bonus points if you say with a straight face to your wife later that night, "Honey, the way I'm reading this, God is totally endorsing anal."

"How can you tell if your girlfriend is a southern lesbian too scared to admit her sexuality? And how would you handle speculations of her sexuality?

We're college sweethearts. We've been together for 7 years. We've lived together for 5 years. She's from Georgia, and I'm from Louisiana, so our parents expected us to be married 5 years ago. Let's just say there is a ton of pressure to get engaged.

I'm all for getting married. She's my best friend. Everything about our relationship is swell -- except for the sex.

The sex sucks.

Not only is it rare -- every other month or so (yeah, I jerk off a lot) -- but when it does happen, it's not good. She acts like it's incredibly painful, which I kinda take offense to because my penis is disappointingly average. I've tried every position and lube possible, but she always makes this face like she hates that I'm inside of her. Further, she's a bit of a tom boy, and when we watch porn together, she really gets into the lesbian porn. She's from the deep south, so my thought is maybe she's afraid of coming out to her family.

I've never doubted the sexuality of any girl I've dated, but then again, I've never had so much trouble getting my girlfriend to fuck me. Maybe relationships move closer and closer towards a sexless existence? What would you do here?

She's a Bulldog and an avid reader of the OKTC. This a big leap of faith to put this question out there. God help me.

May your words of wisdom guide the future of my sex life."

If you're only sleeping with your girlfriend every other month -- and you aren't overseas fighting in a war -- something is wrong. At this rate once you get married you're headed for a sexless marriage. If you guys are best friends -- which is awesome because it makes this much less awkward -- I'd probably just address this head on with her. Ask why don't we have sex more often? (This is probably a conversation that lots of readers have had with their significant others before so it's not like it's an unprecedented question.)

Consider her answer to why you don't have sex more often -- does any of it make sense? -- and then follow up with the lesbian question. You can make this conversation less awkward by gallantly offering to participate in a threesome with she and another girl she finds attractive. She'll probably say no, but if she says yes and discovers she's a lesbian while engaging in a threesome with you, is this the best possible way for any relationship to ever end? I think so. (The way your story opened, I'll confess, I'm also picturing you coming home from work early one day and finding your girlfriend going at it with another girl. Consider how different the sexes are. Just about every guy reading this would be incredibly turned on by this happening. But flip the sexes. If your wife or girlfriend came home and found you going at it with another guy, she'd lose her shit.)

Anyway, you said she's from the deep South. Is there any possibility her sexual reticence might be related to feeling bad about having sex before marriage? That is, she's holding out sex to try and get you to propose? She might not acknowledge this possibility, but that would be a decent hypothesis.

Also, the vagina can expel a human baby. Having seen this happen on multiple occasions, I think it's fair to say no man can give any woman more penis than she can handle. So could she also have a physical issue that might require her seeing a doctor? Maybe sex is unnaturally painful for her and she's been ashamed to talk about it because of her conservative upbringing. I'd suggest that as well.

Good luck. Please update us on the story. (This goes for everyone, by the way). 

My dearest Clay,

"My buddies and I have been discussing/debating this since Saturday. It all started when my girlfriend of five months had her computer crash. She is a wedding photographer and needs it for work. Luckily she did have an external hard drive, so all wasn't lost. Unfortunately, she can't afford a new computer at this moment but has to have one. She has decided to buy one on layaway, to which makes me palm my face due to layaway actually meaning "absurd interest rate." Now I am a well off person (not to sound like a prick) and I have decided to buy her a new iMac, instead of her going into debt. Is it too soon into the relationship to buy something that expensive? Group is pretty split. Some say don't do it, it will scare her away because you just made the relationship really serious too quick. Others are saying it is a totally boss move to whip the card out and pay for it in front of her. I plan on buying it for her, but would be interested to hear your take.

Sincerely yours.

Ps: relationship background: while we have only been exclusive for five months, we dated for several months leading up to it. On scale of 1 to marry, I would say it's the closest I've gotten to considering to ask for a girl's hand. But it is still too early for that. But I do not mind dropping the money on her and don't expect anything in return long term. Over the holidays I got her a Tiffany's necklace so it wouldn't be the first out of the norm purchase."

If you have the money I'd buy it for her and not worry that it makes the relationship look too serious. You say you like her enough to contemplate proposing some day. I wouldn't tell her that yet, but what do you care if it makes the relationship look too serious? You're fine with that. And if a girl actually likes you and is over 24 years old there's never been any of them that are scared of the relationship getting too serious. So I'd toss that concern out the window.  

She'll probably object, but I'd wave that off and say she can pay you back with no interest. She still isn't obligated to actually pay you back, but she has that option to preserve her independence. I also would tell her in advance. Paying at the cash register without any prior discussion is kind of a dick move. Sure, it's also a "totally boss move," but it's also a "totally boss move," in that it makes it appear that she has no say over a major life decision for her. I'm sure some women somewhere want to be bossed around by their partners on decisions like these, but I've never met one.

So tell her in advance. 

One easy way to handle the discussion, just memorize this: "Look, right now I have the extra money to be able to help you out. One day you might be the one with the extra money helping me out. It sucks that your laptop broke and I want to be able to help you get a new one. Of course, you might let me buy the laptop and then immediately break up with me and use all the photos you took of us to make a music video crushing me thanks to your new awesome iMac movies program. But I'm willing to take that risk."

Voila.  

(One caveat. Are layaway loans really that expensive or can you buy a laptop with no interest rate provided you pay it off on time? I have no idea. I'd check on that just to be sure. It seems like most layaway loans are no interest. Otherwise what's the point?)

...

The anonymous mailbag is 2 for 2 and I already saved a couple of good ones for next week. I guarantee all anonymity. You email me and I will never give up your name or contact information.

Send your anonymous questions for the mailbag to clay.travis@gmail.com