There's No Place Like Home: Why Super Bowl Parties Are The Worst

Super Bowl Sunday is one of my favorite days of the year. If you’re reading this, then I imagine it’s one of your favorite days of the year too. There’s just something about whipping up a spread, cracking some brews, and sending another great National Football League season off in style.

Yet, despite my love for Super Bowl Sunday — which by the way, the failure to turn the following Monday into a national holiday is a failure of every president since LBJ (that’s Lyndon B. Johnson, not Lebron James) — I hate nothing more than Super Bowl parties.

And that’s because they’re always filled with people who have no respect for the sanctity of Super Bowl Sunday and the idea that — *gasp* — some of us might actually want to watch the game itself.

Not the commercials. Not Usher. We want to watch the game.

So, I avoid Super Bowl party invites like the plague. In fact, some years are so invite-heavy heavy I feel like Robert Stack fending off religious solicitors in Airplane!

Alright, so maybe it never gets that bad, but occasionally I do have to send a semi-awkward "thanks, but no thanks" text.

That’s because I'm tired of people putting too much focus on the word "party" instead of the word "Super Bowl" 

Plus, there’s no better way to watch the "Big Game" (I hate that phrase so much) than at home.

A group of actors pretend to partake in the most hilariously, over-the-top diverse Super Bowl party I've ever seen… also why does that one guy look like he's about to puke? (Getty Images)

Why Would You Give Up A Home-Field Advantage For The Biggest Game?

You spent 18 weeks plus the postseason wearing an ass groove into your preferred TV-watching spot on the couch. Why would you let that go to waste in the biggest moment?

That would be like training your entire life for the Olympics only to show up for the big day and say, "Meh, I don’t feel like throwing a javelin today." (I forgot to mention, in this hypothetical situation you’re a javelin thrower).

No, you worked hard by hardly working to get that ass groove right where you want it. That's the best view you could possibly have of the game.

You want that kind of home-field advantage because I guarantee you will lose out on the prime real estate if you're at a Super Bowl party. You'll be relegated to some camping chair with a bad angle at the TV that will leave you with a bum neck for a couple of days afterward.

Do you know how sad it is to sustain an injury from watching TV? Very, and it won't happen if you're in your usual spot.

You'll lose out on those prime viewing locations to other party guests, many of whom have no interest in the game. Nothing is more enraging than suffering through a sub-par view of the host's flatscreens because someone from their office is sitting on the couch perusing Instagram through the whole game while staking their claim to a prime viewing location.

Of course, they will occasionally look up from their phone… to watch the commercials.

That's another issue: people will yammer through the game to the point where you can't even hear the commentary (which may actually be a good thing this year, considering it's on CBS).  Of course, everyone turns into church mice when they cut to commercial.

Yes, God forbid we miss out on what Doritos has in store for us this year…

Just some dudes wearing completely plain football jerseys and drinking beers with the labels off while some creep stands in the background. (Getty Images)

Free Food Is Nice… But It's Better To Get Drunk Off The Power Of Being The Super Bowl Menu Czar

The one saving grace of a Super Bowl party is the free grub and even more importantly, beer. That's the only reason I would ever agree to attend a Super Bowl party.

However — and feel free to play armchair psychologist with this one — I like having control over the menu. Sure, it means you've got to pay for it, but you're paying for your ideal  ̶S̶u̶p̶e̶r̶ ̶B̶o̶w̶l̶ Big Game Smorgasbord. 

Do you want wings? Get wings.

Do you want pizza? You're having pizza.

Want some sushi? That's not really Super Bowl food, but that's why you should stay home and be the Czar of your own Super Bowl festivities.

Now, I'm not saying you need to watch the game all alone surrounded by jars of urine like you're Howard Hughes (unless that wants you want; again, do you). However, watching the game on your terms means the ability to vet your guests.

If you're at someone else's house, you've got no say over who you have to watch with. It could be the aforementioned person on their phone. It could be a Swifty who starts smack-talking after every Chiefs touchdown. You might even end up having to deal with the host's old frat buddy who will challenge you to a shirtless wrestling match out in the front yard for no reason. 

You don't want that (again, unless that's what you're into).

For me, the perfect way to watch the Super Bowl is with 2 to 4 other people who are all at least moderately interested in watching the game. 

Hey, douche, that's a party. 

No, it isn't: it's a handful of people watching football in a dignified manner with food and drinks on hand.

The beauty of the Super Bowl is that you can celebrate it any way you please. 

If you want to watch at home with a handful of heavily vetted guests the way I do, then do it.

If you want to watch alone like Howard Hughes — complete with jars of urine (I'm not sure why he kept those around instead of dumping them) — go crazy… in every sense of the word.

And, if you really want to go to someone's house with all of their co-workers, kid's little league parents, and other casual acquaintances who couldn't care less about the game itself, don't let me stop you.

Just know that you're making a terrible mistake.