Touch 'Em All: Torpedo Bats Need To Die, Showers And Ball Players' Weird Relationship, & More

The MLB season is off to a roaring start. The White Sox are tied for first place in the AL Central (whatttt), the Dodgers are undefeated (not a huge surprise but still cool), and Orioles outfielder Cedric Mullins is flashing his leather.

But let’s not let that distract us from the biggest news of all so far: those flippin’ torpedo bats. The New York Yankees obviously love them, and so do a lot of MLB players who want in on this trend.

But as for me, I hate them. Here’s why.

What do you think of torpedo bats? Let me know: john.simmons@outkick.com.

Torpedo Bats Need To Go - Now

I must start this conversation by saying that these bats are not in fact illegal, the MLB rulebook allows for them to happen. There is nothing against creating a bat with more wood towards the barrel of the bat to create harder contact. It is, by the letter of the law, allowed.

But…not everything that is allowed is good - and that’s the case with these stupid torpedo bats.

Lest you think that I’m just hating on something new, there are verifiable reasons to believe it will negatively affect the game. In the Yankees’ first series of the season (in which they debuted the bats), they hit 15 home runs in three games - including a franchise-record nine in one game last Saturday.

I love home runs as much as the next guy, but this is just awful.

Read: Brewers Reliever Despises Yankees' New Torpedo Bats, Calls Them 'Terrible'

First, it's an incredibly Yankee thing to do. Their lineup is a collection of hitters that only try to do one thing: go yard. When they don’t, they often strikeout. To compensate for their boom or bust approach, they are creating bats that make up for their inability to do anything but try to hit the long ball. Typical New York behavior.

Furthermore, it's not like they need any extra help when they play 81 games a year in Yankee Stadium. My grandfather, a lifelong Yankees fan, said that you shouldn’t need any extra help getting a homerun in Yankee Stadium, since a hard line drive to left or right field usually results in a home run. If that lineup can’t hit dingers with normal bats, then the bats are not the problem.

Finally, these bats could easily make baseball rather boring. Let me draw a parallel: one of the biggest complaints against today’s NBA is that teams prioritize making threes too much. Is it cool to see guys make 30-foot shots? Yes, but if that’s all you do, it becomes boring.

Read: Phillies Reliever Matt Strahm: If Hitters Get Torpedo Bats, Then Pitchers Should Get Pine Tar

In the same way, if MLB teams start largely generating offense from home runs thanks to these torpedo bats, then we will see the NBA’s problem come to the baseball diamond. Too much of something fun or exciting becomes boring after a while.

Yes, the Yankees only gave us one series’ worth of results to work with. But for me, its enough for me to know that I hate it and hate what it could become.

Here's OutKick's Ricky Cobb explaining the dark side of these torpedo bats at Wrigley Field.

Freddie Freeman - World Series MVP AND Shower Victim

There are three places in the world where humans must always be on their guard for danger: public restrooms, caves, and any shower in existence.

Dodgers first baseman Freddie Freeman learned that the hard way on Monday.

This dude was just minding his own business, taking his morning shower before getting ready to play some ball with the boys. In just a flash, his whole world was turned upside when he slipped in the shower in a freak accident and injured his right ankle.

Mind you, this is the same ankle he had hurt and played with during the World Series run last year. While he was able to push through that setback, this more recent injury is going to sideline him for the foreseeable future (he is now on the IL).

Man, showers don’t discriminate. Whether you’re an average joe like me or a World Series MVP, they are always out to get you if you drop your guard for one second.

Get well soon, Freddie. You didn’t deserve this.

Paul Skenes Need To Get His Shower Routine Under Control

There are two types of shower people in the world: those who care about the safety of others and those who don’t. Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Paul Skenes fits in the latter category.

In an interview with GQ with his girlfriend, Olivia Dunne, the two took a couples quiz. During the game, it was revealed that Skenes has a rather nasty shower habit.

"Your worst habit is getting out of the shower and getting water all over the floor," Dunne said.

Whoa whoa whoa, back the train up. Skenes does what now?

TAMPA, FL - APRIL 02: Pittsburgh Pirates Pitcher Paul Skenes (30) delivers a pitch to the plate during the regular season game between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Tampa Bay Rays on April 02, 2025 at George M. Steinbrenner Field in Tampa, Florida. (Photo by Cliff Welch/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

If a few drops get on the ground, you obviously can’t control that. But if it's all over the floor, isn’t that a) disgusting and b) a tripping hazard?

It certainly is for Dunne.

"I’m on the verge of slipping and, like, cracking my head open because there’s so much water everywhere," Dunne said.

Skenes, my guy. Get it together.

How hard is it to wipe yourself off before you step out of the shower? You can strike out professional hitters with ease, this should be a cakewalk! Do it for the love of your life too, and to make sure that you don’t put Dunne through a similar fate that Freeman had to endure. Do your part and make the world a safer place!

Cooler In The Dugout - Genius Idea Or Safety Hazard?

I don’t know why no one has ever thought of this before, but the Philadelphia Phillies have come up with a genius (yet potentially hazardous) idea.

Players need to stay hydrated during games, and yet the only way you could get hydration was by getting some liquid out of those giant plastic dispensers. In a moment of ingenuity, the Phillies decided to put a full-fledged cooler smack-dab in the dugout for players to use instead.

I like the idea, but I do have to wonder about the thought in the tweet. Are we sure that a player won’t smash this with a bat if an at-bat doesn’t go his way?

I mean, in 2013, we saw David Ortiz obliterate a phone with his bat. While shattered plastic isn’t as dangerous as shattered glass, it proved a point: players can do dangerous things when they are upset.

Who’s to say that Kyle Schwarber or Bryce Harper won’t wail on this poor cooler if an umpire makes a bad strike three call?

For convenience's sake, I like this idea. Time will tell if this ends up being a safety concern.

Beer Bat Stands Are Here To Stay

Have you ever wanted a bat full of beer but not wanted the hassle of having to hold it all the time? The MLB has found just the tool for you.

Last year, certain ballparks served beer in plastic baseball bats (genius) to give fans a more authentic experience of drinking Bud Light. The only downside was that you had to hold it, since normal cupholders wouldn’t do the trick.

That was obviously a burden for fans. After all, are they expected to be handed beer and have to hold it themselves for a long time? Fans pay for convenience, not to work for free.

So, the MLB came up with an idea to create a stand for these ingenious vessels so that fans can drink from a bat and do so without burning any calories.

Ah, that is problem-solving at its finest. Now fans will actually be able to enjoy the beer and the game!

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That's it for this edition! Do you want certain content or story angles to be featured in my weekly column? Email me: john.simmons@outkick.com. I want to hear your ideas!