Touch 'Em All: The Red Sox Better Not Screw This Up For Me

Guys, I’m a nervous wreck over here. I’m more in shambles than an eighth grader the night before an algebra test (I hated those), more than when Luke Skywalker found out who his father was (RIP Darth Vader), and more than the New England Patriots when they blew their perfect season bid in 2007 (BIGGGGGGGGGG sad).

I have one singular focus on baseball this week. I don’t care about the NL Wild Card race, or if Paul Skenes has to worry about Olivia Dunne trying to run off with Matthew McConaughey.

I literally care about none of that. I only care about what's happening in New York this weekend.

My Boston Red Sox and those slimebag New York Yankees are playing game three of a four-game series in the Bronx today at 1:35 p.m. I don’t need to wax poetic about how important these games are for Boston’s playoff chances, or how these games mean extra, because…well, it's the Yankees.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - SEPTEMBER 13: Aaron Judge #99 of the New York Yankees reacts after a grand slam against the Boston Red Sox during the seventh inning at Yankee Stadium on September 13, 2024 in the Bronx borough of New York City. (Photo by Luke Hales/Getty Images)

That would already be enough to get my heart rate up to astronomical levels. But there’s an added nuance to this series that makes it even more stressful for me.

Earlier this year, the uber-talented Mike Gunzlemann and I made a gentleman’s wager about the Red Sox-Yankees season series (he’s a diehard New York fan, btw). We agreed that one guy would have to post a picture of himself wearing a jersey of the opposing team depending on who won the season series.

If the Red Sox win, he’s forced to wear my Dustin Pedroia jersey. If the Yankees win, I’d be wearing enemy threads.

Heading into this final series, the Red Sox held a 5-4 edge in head-to-head games with four games to go. If you do the math, that means that all the Sox would do is split the series, and I wouldn’t have to put on pinstripes (I get sick just thinking about that.

Butttttttt that’s very, very much in doubt now.

Because the Red Sox don’t have even the slightest semblance of a competent bullpen, they’ve lost the last two games by just one run apiece. Aaron Judge did the honors last night by belting a go-ahead grand slam in the seventh inning to put the Yankees up 5-4.

So now, it all comes down to this seminal pair of 1 o'clock afternoon games today and tomorrow for my Red Sox. In as little as three hours, my fate could be sealed, and I could be wearing a Yankees jersey in the very near future.

This is the part where I formally beg Boston to not let that happen. Swing for the fences on literally every at-bat. Call back Koji Uehara and Jonathan Paplebon to shore up the bullpen if you must. 

But for the love of all that is good and holy, please DO NOT lose these next two games. Do it for your own pride and playoff chances, but also do it for me.

My dignity depends on it.

Do you want to send me condolences? Do you have any de-stressing secrets you want to share? Am I doomed to wearing a Yankees jersey? Let me know: john.simmons@outkick.com.