Touch 'Em All: Jose Altuve's Barefoot Fiasco, Shohei Ohtani Can't Be Stopped & Bob Uecker Pees His Pants
I'm Going To Use "Touch ‘Em All" To Advocate For Going Barefoot (Unless You're Jose Altuve) Because It’s My Column And I Make The Rules
I’m personally a huge fan of going barefoot at any given moment. I can't really explain it, but I love the feel of (most) solid surfaces on the soles of my feet. Going to the beach? Of course, you’re a serial killer if you don’t. Playing frisbee with friends on a grass field? Definitely. Walking on a sidewalk that’s somewhat warm but not hot enough to give you heat blisters? Call me crazy, but I’m definitely doing it then too.
However, I would advise Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve to never, ever try to go barefoot during a game again.
SAN DIEGO Jose Altuve of the Houston Astros hits a single during the third inning of a baseball game against the San Diego Padres, September 16, 2024 at Petco Park. (Photo by Denis Poroy/Getty Images)
But wait a second, that word "again" implies that he already did it. How in the ever-living heck did that happen? Why would a baseball player ever be barefoot in a game?
It was the top of the ninth inning of a Tuesday matchup with the San Diego Padres, and the game was tied at three apiece. Altuve made contact with a fast ball on a 1-2 count that bounded to third baseman Manny Machado. He then promptly threw the ball to first with ease, recording the third and final out of the inning.
Meanwhile, Altuve was maybe five feet outside of the batter’s box, showing a lack of hustle that would make Alex Verdugo proud. But unlike Verdugo, Altuve had a much better reason to stay where he was.
You see, Altuve believed that he fouled the ball off his own foot, and for what it's worth, his body language indicated he was in some pain after the swing.That would obviously mean the play was dead and Altuve would get another swing.
But the umpires decided to rule the play as a ground out without checking to see if Altuve was right. This naturally made the second baseman and Astros manager Joe Espada very upset, and they discussed the predicament with home plate umpire Brennan Miller. Altuve’s improvisation skills were on full display in this moment, and he tried to plead his case by taking off his shoe to show where the ball supposedly hit his foot.
That is genius, especially because it doesn’t look like Altuve was trying to show up Miller. He was just like, "Dude, check out this massive bruise on my foot, how could this be anything other than an HBP?"
But Miller didn’t like it at all, and promptly ejected Altuve and Espada.
"Sometimes you get hit somewhere in the hand and you take your batting glove to show you got hit. I was expecting to do the same thing," he said after the game.
Frankly, I’m with Altuve on this one, which is crazy because I am in no way, shape, or form an Altuve fan. All the guy did was try to innocently show the umpire that he did get hit. And we’re going to throw him out after they missed an easy call? Ridiculous.
Normally, in any other context, I’d advocate for taking off your socks and shoes with reckless abandon and touch grass. But for Altuve, it's probably wise to avoid this in the future.
Shohei Ohtani Records The First Ever 50-50 Season
I really think we need to update the dictionary to come up with a word that describes Shohei Ohtani's season.
Incredible just doesn’t do it. Astounding is getting there but still falls short. Historic is accurate, but just flat out bland.
Anyway, let’s just get into the details of Ohtani's season. Remember, this guy is recovering from Tommy John surgery and was supposed to enter this year only hitting for the Dodgers. We certainly know he was a monster at the plate. I don’t think anybody in their wildest dreams would’ve expected him to have this level of output.
Last night, the Dodgers played the Marlins, which I was pretty sure was going to be an LA dub. The 20-4 final score certainly showed how there are light years between the two teams.
But Ohtani also showed that there are light years between him and, well, pretty much every player who has ever lived.
For starters, the dude went 6-6 last night with 10 RBIs, two stolen bases, and THREE FREAKING HOME RUNS. I mean seriously, who does that? If I went three for four at the plate in high school, I’d think I was all that and then some. But this is uncanny.
Oh, and in doing so, he became the only player in MLB history to accomplish an insane feat.
With his second dinger of the evening, Ohtani became the first player to record 50 stolen bases and 50 home runs in the same season.
Spare me the talk of how Francisco Lindor has a legitimate NL MVP case. Any writer who doesn’t vote for Ohtani for this award should be sent to an insane asylum.
I mean seriously, what more can we say about what the Japanese phenom has done this season?
A friend of mine who's a Dodgers fan texted me and said "Babe Ruth played 100 years ago. Irrelevant. This is the greatest baseball player of all time." Right now, it's hard to disagree with him.
Also, can we thank Skip Schumaker for not walking Ohtani at any point in the game and emphatically shutting down any ideas of doing that?
Fans of all kinds congratulated Ohtani, including Jose Canseco,Tom Brady, and his major sports apparel sponsor, New Balance.
As if that weren't cool enough, he accomplished this feat exactly one year after he had elbow surgery.
I can’t wait to watch his first trip to October. That’s going to be electric - assuming the Dodgers make it past the first round this year.
Bob Uecker Owned Peeing His Pants Like A Legend
On Wednesday night, the Milwaukee Brewers clinched the NL Central title. It marked just the seventh time in franchise history that the Brew Crew emerged as lords of their division, and long-time announcer Bob Uecker (who is 90-years old) was definitely the most excited about it.
MILWAUKEE - Manager Pat Murphy of the Milwaukee Brewers and Bob Uecker celebrate in the locker room after winning the NL Central Division at American Family Field on September 18, 2024. (Photo by John Fisher/Getty Images)
Uecker is evidently a legend among the Brewers franchise and the MLB in general, and he darn well should be. The guy has been calling games for Newsradio 620 WTMJ and the Brewers Radio Network for the last 53 years, and he’s known in the industry as "Mr. Baseball." So when the Brew Crew was celebrating capturing their hard-fought prize, Uecker was hanging with boys getting soaked in champagne with the rest of them.
"There is no one who epitomizes a champion like this man does right here," manager Pat Murphy said with his arm around Uecker. "There is no one out here — what an example for us to be with every single day, Bob Uecker. No doubt about it, champion."
The speech was met with applause by the players and an obligatory "Uuuuueeekkkk", but that response paled in comparison when Uecker gave his response.
"I peed my pants!" the broadcaster said.
Legendary. Historical. Comedy gold. The utter shock on his face at his own inability to control his bladder makes this 100 times better.
Now I want the Brewers to win the World Series, just to see how Uecker would react. If he wet his pants after winning the division, imagine what he’d do after Milwaukee wins a title!
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That's it for this week! If you have any ideas you want to see me write about, email me at john.simmons@outkick.com. Have a fantastic weekend!