Ravens Marlon Humphrey Offers Wild Coffee Take

I'm not sure about you, but I'm a coffee guy. In fact, I've got a nice Oswald the Lucky Rabbit mug full of some nice black coffee sitting in front of me right now.

But do you know who isn't a coffee guy? Marlon Humphrey.

The Baltimore Ravens cornerback is not one to shy away from speaking his mind, and I saw him doing just that on X while I was sitting on the couch writing jokes for the next edition of The Punch-Up and — would you believe? — drinking coffee, and this latest take almost made me spit out that aforementioned coffee.

I wanted to let this wild beverage take slide, but… you know what? I'm going to let his Airness finish this sentence: 

Now, we may need to see if Humphrey clarifies this statement, because if this is a blanket indictment on all coffee, that is wild.

However, I kind of agree with him if we're talking about any kind of syrupy, ultra-sugary coffee, then I kind of agree. Half the coffees I see people grabbing at any coffee shop I go to are basically glorified milkshakes at this point.

And, look, I'm pretty progressive when it comes to beverages. I think you should drink whatever you like.

But, if you have to take a delicious black coffee and dump something in it to make it taste like cupcakes, I hate to break it to you, but you may not actually like coffee at all.

While I'm all for people liking what they like, I do think there are certain things where, once you hit a certain age, you should make certain food decisions. For instance, once you blow out the candles on your 14th birthday, it's time to start eating your hot wings with blue cheese dressing instead of ranch.

That's how I feel about coffee. If you're a kid, go ahead and dump melted ice cream in your coffee for all I care, but once you have to start shaving, a splash of regular cream — not flavored like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups — is plenty.

As for the ladies, they get free rein with coffee, but fellas, keep it mostly black or maybe skip it so that those of us who actually like it don't have to wait as long.