Ranking NFL Teams Based On How Miserable They Make Us Feel
Ahem … this thing on? It is? Good. Listen up …
We made it. We've finally made it. After 10 long months, today marks the first of – *checks notes* – 55 straight days of football on the colored TV. That's right.
Starting today, and running through Thanksgiving, we can sit our fat, American butts on the couch every single night and watch some sort of football. Sure, some days it'll be a Northern Illinois-Miami (OH) game, but whatever.
Last I checked, you can still lose money on the smaller games, too!
Beautiful. It's perfect. October really is the absolute pinnacle of the sports calendar, and it's not really close. You get football every single day. Every day. You get playoff baseball. You get hockey starting back up. If you like being miserable and watching the NBA, you get that, too. Ain't for me, but we don't judge around here.
(OK, we do a little, but whatever)
Anyway, we're somehow a month (roughly) into the NFL season already, and I've learned that I don't know anything. I also don't feel anything anymore, because I'm a Dolphins fan, and I'm positive we are by far the worst team in the league. There's not even a close second right now.
But we're not here to talk about terrible things. We're here to talk about wonderful things – like the month of October.
So let's rank the hell out of these football teams, and anger some folks (mainly from Pittsburgh) along the way!
It's Week 5 NFL Power Rankings – ‘Teams Ranked Based On How Wonderful And/Or Miserable The Time Of Year Is!'
Tier 1: The October tier
1. Minnesota Vikings, inexplicably (LW:3)
2. Detroit Lions (5)
3. Kansas City Chiefs, even though they may be cooked (LW:2)
4. Buffalo Bills, but may be front-runners (1)
5. Baltimore Ravens, but only when I bet against them and lose half my bank account in one night (11)
6. JD Vance memes (NR)
Miserable scale: 0 (out of 100)
I mean, what else can I say about October? It's hands-down the best month out of the year and it's so far above everything else that it's laughable.
You've got NFL. You've got college. You've got playoff baseball, which has already been a joy to watch this week. If you dabble in the NHL or NBA, you've got those, too.
It's just constant action. Every day. Every night. Midweek college football games out the ass. Big-time Saturday showdowns. NFL heats up. The best.
The weather finally turns for the better (for most of us), the pumpkin beer is flowing at every bar, the wives are in a better mood because it's #pumpkinpatchSZN. There's just no beating October.
You also get to end it with Halloween – the best holiday by a mile – which truly makes it the best month out of the year. We grind in February and April to get to October. Don't you forget it.
I can't believe the Minnesota Vikings are No. 1 this week, but it's the hand we've been dealt. What a season.
The Lions are F.U.N. and you know you're gonna get an electric Dan Campbell locker room video every week, courtesy of OutKick's David Hookstead. The guy never misses (I'm talking about Hook, not Dan).
I can't figure out the Ravens … or the Bills … or the Chiefs. Are all three good? Yes? But, are all three maybe average?
Again, maybe yes.
JD!
Tier 2: The December tier
7. Tampa Bay Bucs (9)
8. Houston Texans (8)
9. Washington Football Team!!!!!!!!!!! (23)
10. Jayden Daniels preseason rookie of the year bet slips (NR)
11. San Francisco 49ers (16)
12. George Kittle's HOF WAG wife, Claire (NR)
Miserable scale: 10 (only because of Christmas Day)
I'm not a huge Christmas Day guy. If you read these power rankings last year, you already know that. Used to be, but when you have three different families to appease on Christmas Day, the actual day itself becomes miserable.
That being said, I am a sucker for the holiday season. And that's what December is – essentially just 31 vacation days. Nobody gives it their all in December, and if they tell you they do, they're lying worse than those broads on The View.
You start the month by coming off Thanksgiving, which already puts you behind the 8-ball, and then you really have just two full weeks before the give-a-shit really starts to dwindle. By the middle of the month, you're basically checked out, and those of us who are smart are already using the rest of the vacation time we've saved up all year to bridge the gap to January.
Mix in more non-stop NFL and college football action – especially this year with the new CFB playoff – and it's a strong month from start to finish.
The Bucs are good, right? I think they are. Baker Baker the Touchdown Maker deserves to be good, so I choose to believe that they are. Lord knows wife Emily gets the job done.
The Redskins (!!!) are the most entertaining team in the league, and I'm not joking. This Jayden Daniels kid is electric. All-time fumble by the Bears.
Claire!!
Tier 3: The May tier
13. New Orleans Saints (12)
14. Green Bay Packers, minus Jordan Love (14)
15. Seattle Seahawks (15)
16. Dallas Cowboys (19)
17. Jerry Jones' helicopter (NR)
18. Philadelphia Eagles, as long as they don't play Tampa Bay, apparently (10)
19. Atlanta Falcons (24)*
20. Pittsburgh Steelers (13)**
* Maybe ass?
** Definitely ass
Miserable scale: 30
Sad. We have to leave fall and rewind the clocks a few months. That being said, the month of May ain't a bad consolation prize.
Now, I live in Florida, so this doesn't apply to me because every day here is summer. BUT, for those of you up north, this is the month you circle every year. I know, because I lived in Boston for four years.
You grind and grind all winter and fake spring just to get to May. That's when the leaves finally turn green, and you get your first whiff of an 80-degree day. That's when you can officially bring the grill back out for the summer, and unpack the deck furniture for the first time in months.
Memorial Day weekend is a true turning point in this country every year, because it signals the true end to winter and beginning of summer. For that alone, May comes in third on this non-negotiable list. You are welcome!
Are any of these teams actually good? Hell if I know! Saints just lost a game in which they didn't give up a touchdown to the offense. That's hard to do, but also impressive.
Cowboys beat Daniel Jones in crunch time. Great. Congrats! Never been done before!
I think the Eagles and Dolphins are on a similar path right now, and by that I mean I think both franchises are on the verge of imploding in spectacular fashion.
Let's check in with Steelers super-fan Scott, who sent me this gem just last week:
Yes, Steelers fans email about your attitude towards the Steelers because it is always negative. I realize you’re trying to be humorous, but if you pick on the same group of people all the time, expect them to call you out on it.
There ya go! Another email from a "crazed" Steeler fan. You can make a joke about it next week while telling us how the 4-0 Steelers aren’t so good.
Tier 4: The March tier
21. LA Rams, even though there is nobody left (22)
22. LA Chargers (18)
23. Justin Herbert's patience (NR)
24. Denver Broncos! (28)
25, Arizona Cardinals (21)
26. New York Jets, where things seem totally fine (17)
27. Cincinnati Bengals (29)
Miserable scale: 69 (nice)
Again, I live in Florida, so this doesn't apply to me. But for the rest of you, March is such a tease. You get a few random days when you're not freezing your tuckhus' off, and you think you've finally made it over the winter hump.
And then, BAM – here comes a snowstorm that cripples you for a week. Just like that.
Also, the sports scene this month? Eh. Not great. Not awful, but certainly not the best. You've got March Madness towards the end, a little NFL free agency, and a quick dip into Major League Baseball. But other than that? It's a GRIND.
All these teams are just grinding right now, if we're being honest. Rams? GRINDING. Who the hell is Matty Stafford throwing to? I have no idea.
Did you watch any of that Broncos-Jets game last week? It was painful, and that's coming from someone who had to sit through Tyler Huntley on Monday.
Here come the Bengals – right on cue.
Justin!
Tier 5: The February tier
28. Carolina Panthers (27)
29. Indy Colts, with Joe Flacco (NR)
30. Indy Colts, with Anthony Richardson (32)
31. Chicago Bears (36)
32. Tennessee Titans, with Mason Rudolph (NR)
33. Tennessee Titans, with Will Levis (34)
34. Oakland Raiders, (33)*
35. New England Patriots (35)**
36. Cleveland Browns (31)***
37. New York Football Giants with literally any other QB other than Daniel Jones in crunch time (37)
38. A crunch bar (NR)
39. Captain Crunch (NR)
40. Crunchwrap supreme (NR)
41. Jacksonville Jaguars (42)
42. The kids who play football in my neighborhood and inevitably hit my truck once a day (NR)
43. Miami Dolphins (43)
* unwatchable
** really unwatchable
*** unwatchable with creepy QB
Miserable scale: 5,000
Just the worst time of year, hands-down. Now, you do get football, briefly, so that somewhat saves it. But after the Super Bowl? It's just a pit of misery for the next three weeks. Sure, you have the Daytona 500 to look forward to, but I realize that's a niche thing, so I'm not assuming everyone binges that like I do.
You just came off five straight months of football, and now you're just … done. Cold turkey. No more. It's over. Gone. Poof. Won't see it again until August. Same with holidays. They're done, too.
For the next two months, all you have is NBA and NHL. That's it. Yuck. It's also miserably cold for most of the country in February with absolutely no end in sight, and you're so far away from summer it's laughable. I have a birthday in February and I literally cannot wait for the month to end every single year. Screw this month,
Awful time of year.
All of these teams are awful. Frankly, that's putting it nicely for some. The craziest thing? The Carolina Panthers are probably the best team in this tier! The Carolina Panthers!
Davante Adams refuses to play for the shitty Raiders anymore. The Giants may actually be decent if they had a competent quarterback. Same with the Jags.
The Dolphins are a disgrace to the league and should be relegated to the XFL. Mike McDaniel will be a Starbucks barista in six months. Tyreek Hill will be a Chief.
I am miserable.
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.