NFL Power Rankings After Week 1 & The Most Unhinged Race-Baiters From Tyreek Hill Video
Ahem … this thing on? It is?
Good!
We've made it. Somehow, some way, we are BACK to the NFL season. All gas, no brakes, for the next four months. What a time of year!
For some reason, OutKick has given me the go-ahead to pump out these ridiculous power rankings for a second year in a row. If you're new around here, I say "ridiculous" in a good way. A fun way. I like to have fun.
If you read Nightcaps or Monday Morning Pit-Stop – two award-winning columns! (thanks, mom) – you already know this.
If you want the boring NFL power rankings that literally every other site across the insufferable World Wide Web writes, feel free to go to … literally any other site across the insufferable World Wide Web.
I'm sure the wokes over at the AP, and the Washington Post, and CBS Sports, have plenty of Xs and Os for you to digest until your gut is ready to pop.
If you want that, you're in the wrong class, buddy. Around here, we do tiers. Around here, we rank teams AND hot women. Around here, we break down the league in a way that makes literally no sense, but, also, all the sense in the world.
For all four of you who ARE returning for a second year in a row, welcome back! Hope y'all had a good summer vacation. I had a new kid, spent $3k on new teeth, haven't slept in a month and got fatter this summer. So, you know, things are looking UP right now.
But the turnaround starts TODAY. We're gonna rank the hell out of these teams, and we're gonna do it right.
On that note, let's get this show on the road. Our journey begins today. Right now.
It's Week 2 NFL Power Rankings – the ‘Which Typical Race-Baiter Pumped Out The Most Race-Baitey Tyreek Hill Take’ edition!
Tier 1: The Jemele Hill tier
1. Kansas City Chiefs (minus Travis Kelce, who has somehow gotten more insufferable this year)
2. ‘Mrs. Mahomes.’
3. San Francisco 49ers (only without that scrub CMC)
4. Detroit Lions
5. Baltimore Ravens
6. The Philadelphia Kamala Harris Eagles
Hey! We start Season 2 with an old friend in Jemele Hill. When in doubt, always check in with Jemele. She will undoubtedly provide you with the content you are looking for when it comes to unhinged racial takes.
That little tweet was an all-timer from Jemele, too. I didn't think anyone could connect Donald Trump to the Tyreek Hill situation, but buddy, Jemele Hill found a way, and we have to respect it. Sorry, but we do. Finding a way to bring Trump into the situation was impressive as hell from Jemele, but she's a veteran and that's what veterans do. Kudos!
Look, the Chiefs are a wagon, and will be until Patrick Mahomes stops playing quarterback. I can't believe the Bills just gave them Xavier Worthy. Poverty franchise.
This is a pro-Brittany Mahomes blog, and if you don't like it, take it up with the former president!
Welcome back to Season 2, Brittany!
The 49ers could literally succeed with me at running back, the Ravens cost me hundreds of dollars for ignoring Mark Andrews so they are dead to me but still a good football team, and the Eagles are woke but still good. Fair is fair.
Tier 2: The Mike Wilbon tier
7. Houston Texans
8. Dallas Cowboys (only when they face the creepiest/worst QB in NFL history)
9. Miami Dolphins (this will end poorly)
10. Tyreek Hill's love for his window
11. Buffalo Bills (if Josh Allen misses any time at all this team is ass)
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
13. Emily Mayfield!
Solllllllllllllllllllllllllid work right there from ESPN's Mikey Wilbon. Guy doesn't come out of the shadows much, but when he does, he packs a box-checking PUNCH.
PS: has Tony left his house yet after COVID? That's a semi-serious question.
"I've driven while black long enough" is the line that did it for me. The ESPN big-wigs in the Bristol studios must've been foaming at the mouth when Mike said that. Here's a guy (as Collinsworth would say) who knows the mission, knows his employer, and understands exactly what they're looking for.
Nice work!
I'm pretty sure no team in NFL history has turned things around quicker than the Houston Texans. That team is loaded. They STUNK two years ago. Insane.
The Cowboys beat quite possibly the worst QB I've ever seen, and I'm a Dolphins fan. I've lived through Cleo Lemon.
CLEO LEMON!
Like last season, I'm positive I will regret my decision to put Miami over Buffalo this time next week. Bank on it.
Pssssss: Tyreek, when a cop tells you to roll your window down, don't be snarky about it. Common sense would've been a cool thing for both sides to have on this one. There, I said it.
Emily!
Tier 3: The Greg Cote tier
14. LA Rams
15. Green Bay Packers (minus Malik Willis, which is unfortunate seeing as he's their QB for the next month)
16. Cincinnati Bengals (might be lowkey bad?)
17. San Diego Chargers
18. Jim Harbaugh's aggressive pats
19. Minnesota Vikings (Sam Darnold > Aaron Rodgers)
20. New York Jets (^ just kidding, sort of)
21. Jacksonville Jaguars
22. New Orleans Saints (only when facing the worst team in the history of football)
Look, I like Greg Cote. I'm a Dolphins fan and grew up reading Cote in the Miami Herald. He's a good writer. And, frankly, this take actually starts off pretty decent.
Predictably, it goes off the rails pretty quickly when he says Tyreek's only crime was driving black (wrong), and then compares it to … George Floyd! There it is! I knew we'd get a George Floyd comparison today, and Greg delivered.
Box, checked!
The Bengals, once again, looked just awful in Week 1. No team in football hates September football more than Cincinnati. Joe Burrow is physically incapable of playing good football until the leaves start to turn. I'm convinced of it.
Sam Darnold looked how Aaron Rodgers was supposed to look, Aaron looked like Sam was supposed to look, and Derek Carr just threw another touchdown. Just like we all drew it up.
Harbaugh vs. Herbert, meanwhile, is gonna be a wild little ride:
Tier 4: The Mike Freeman tier
23. Seattle Seahawks (ew)
24. Indianapolis Colts (double-ew)
25. Arizona Cardinals (ew, ew, ew, although tiny Kyler Murray seems 100% back)
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (yuuuuuuuuuuuuuck)
27. Insufferable Russell Wilson dressed in full uniform for a game despite being inactive
Mikey!!!!!! An absolute LEGEND here at OutKick, and for good reason. When there's a juicy racial storyline possibly floating out there in the atmosphere, you can bet your bottom dollar that Mike Freeman – USA Today's Race and Inequality Editor!!!! – will be there to push that narrative.
And our guy brings it strong with Tyreek Hill, comparing him to Colin Kaepernick! We all knew it was only a matter of time until someone brought up Colin, and Mike Freeman delivered like the pro he is.
Mix in a little plea to Dolphins owner Stephen Ross to "speak out" – which we all know is only because Ross is a Trump guy – and you've got yourself a solid reaction here from MF. Not his best, but solid. I give it a C.
That's why these teams are in this tier. Just a bunch of … eh … teams. Average. C-teams.
We know they're not actually going anywhere this year, but could they BS their way into a final wildcard spot? Sure. You're telling me a QB with this sort of arm talent can't win 9 games? Come on.
Insane. Russell Wilson could never.
Speaking of … welcome back, Russ!!!
Tier 5: The Ian Rapoport tier
28. Atlanta Falcons
29. Cleveland Browns as long as Deshaun Watson never touches the field again
30. Chicago Bears, but only if they play Will Levis every week
31. Oakland Raiders
32. Tennessee Titans (minus Will Levis)
33. Washington Football Team
34. Denver Broncos (so much for that Bo Nix hype)
35. New England Patriots (see the Bengals)
36. Colorado Buffaloes
37. FSU, even with water gun practice drills
38. My two-week old
39. Taylor Swift
40. A ham sandwich (Publix, not Boar's Head)
41. New York Giants
42. Carolina Panthers
Look, I like Ian. I think he's miles better than Schefty. It's not really close. And this one isn't really "race-baitey" per se, but it's just annoying. And so virtue-signaley.
Hey, Ian. Stop. Enough. Don't tweet things just to sound cool and hip and progressive. You know that wasn't "horrifying." Don't bullshit a bullshitter. Come on, dude. You're better than that. I know Elon's app gives people money for engagement now, but you don't need to stoop this low.
"Horrifying." Hogwash!
Don't know what happened to the Falcons, but I've got a season-long parlay going right now that includes them winning the NFC South, and I think I'm in big trouble. Idiot.
If the Browns don't turn to Jameis soon, Cleveland will burn. I'm here for it.
Don't be fooled by the Patriots. Y'all know better. Jacoby Brissett threw for 121 yards.
Hey, Caleb – you tanked my fantasy team. Less fingernail polish, more tuddies. Lock it in.
FSU!
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.