Ranking The Best Alcoholic Drinks You'll Have Each Year Because Most NFL Teams Get Us Drunk
Holy cow, we're already in … December? My God. It's coming. Winter is coming. We're closer to the end of the season than the middle of it, and buddy, it makes me SAD.
Enjoy this month. Cherish it. The winter and spring and summer all go by so slowwwwwwwwwww. The Fall, of course, goes by so freaking fast that if you blink, you'll miss it.
Sad. December is an elite month on the sports calendar, but it's also a sad one. With each passing Saturday and Sunday, you're one weekend closer to trying to get into college basketball before March. Yuck.
But, we're not here to pout today. We're here to rank teams, and to DRINK. For those who don't know, today is National Repeal Day. Congrats to those who celebrate!
And that's all of you, by the way. You may not know it, but you celebrate it every single day. Lord knows I do.
On this day in 1933, congress repealed the 18th amendment, which prohibited the sale of alcohol. Ever heard of Prohibition? Of course you have. Well, it ended 91 years ago today. Thank God. Could you imagine?
Anyway, let's rank these 32 NFL teams based on the best drink of the year. Confused? Don't be! You'll see.
It's Week 14 NFL Power Rankings. Let's roll.
Tier 1: The ‘First beer of a college football Saturday beer’ tier
1. Detroit Lions (LW: 1)
2. Buffalo Bills (2)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (3)
4. Kansas City Chiefs (4)
I mean, it just doesn't get any better than that first beer on a Saturday morning. An elite taste, an elite sound, and an elite start to what will always be an elite day.
So much hope during that first CFB Saturday beer. You haven't lost any money yet. Your team hasn't shit the bed. You haven't been bent over yet by the CFP committee. You haven't pissed yourself after 24 drinks and 4 cigarettes. It's the most hopeful beer of the year.
No change in the top-four this week. These are the four teams who I think can win a Super Bowl this year. Everyone else is just filling space on the schedule.
PS: Chiefs? Might be kind of bad. We'll see.
Tier 2: The ‘Thanksgiving morning turkey frying beer’ tier
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (8)
6. Mic'd Up Mike Tomlin (NR)
7. Baltimore Ravens (6)
8. Minnesota Vikings (7)
9. Green Bay Packers (9)
10. Denver Broncos, who I guess are a good football team again (11)
11. LA Chargers, but only against an apparently blind and dumb Kirk Cousins (10)
12. Landman's Ari Carter in whipped crème nostalgia (NR)
I mentioned this last week in Nightcaps, but it bears repeating … there ain't anything more American than frying a turkey in the cold at 11 a.m. on Thanksgiving while pounding a beer. Not one thing.
It's what makes this country great. It's what makes us the greatest country in the world. It's been a week, and I miss it already. I can still taste the 9 a.m. Busch Light from last Thursday. Delicious.
Well, I guess the Steelers are legit. I give up. You win, Steelers fans. Happy now?
Feel like you can throw the Ravens, Vikings and Packers in a blender and you couldn't tell who is who and what is what when you drink it. All the same team. All good, but all flawed.
Ari? Oh, you mean VARSITY BLUES Ari?!
Tier 3: The ‘Sneaky Christmas morning drink at your in-laws’ house' tier
13. Seattle Seahawks (13)
14. Washington Redskins (15)
15. Houston Texans (14)*
16. Tampa Bay Bucs (16)*
17. Arizona Cardinals (18)*
18. Miami Dolphins, but only in the tropics (12)**
* might be fraudulent
** 100% fraudulent
This is a personal one for me, so it may not apply to you. But, this is my show and my rankings, so it checks in at No. 3.
This particular drink is more a necessity than a want. It's Christmas morning, you've been up since the ass-crack of dawn, kids are going bananas all over the house because the whole family is in town … and you just need something to take the edge off.
Of course, it's only 7:30. You can't just crack a Busch Latte right now. Not with your Mother-in-law watching you like a hawk.
So, you do the next sensible things and grab your coffee, run upstairs, and pour enough whiskey in it to kill a horse. Me and my brother-in-law call it the Cuban Missile. He's Cuban, so I can call it that.
It's the best. Every year, it's the best.
Are any of these teams actually any good? Hell if I know. I assume not, but there may be a couple in here that make some noise next month.
Certainly not my Miami Dolphins. They stink. God, I hate them.
Tier 4: The ‘Monday after work drink’ tier
19. San Francisco 49ers, but they might be cooked this year (17)
20. LA Rams (20)
21. Atlanta Falcons, but only when Kirk Cousins isn't blind and dumb (19)
22. Indy Colts, who are pretty mediocre but may win a division and host a playoff game, inexplicably (24)
Again, this one is more out of necessity than desire, but it still gets the job done. It's pretty self-explanatory, too.
First day of the work week, after a long weekend of drinking and gambling, and it's been a GRIND since 8 a.m. This is a "get you through the night" drink as much as anything. You need it to regroup and gear up for the last stretch of the day. It's as important as the Maxwell House you drank earlier that morning.
These four teams all stink, but they're hovering at or .500 and play in mediocre divisions, so they could host a playoff game. Other than that? Cheeks.
Tier 5: The ‘Last drink after a long NFL Sunday’ tier
23. Cleveland Browns (23)
24. Jameis Winston's Sunday prayer group (NR)
25. Cincy Bengals (21)
26. Carolina Panthers (28)
27. New Orleans Saints (25)
28. Dallas Cowboys (26)
29. Tennessee Titans (29)
30. Chicago Bears, minus Matt Eberflus, obviously (30)
31. New England Patriots (31)
32. Oakland Raiders (32)
33. Jacksonville Jaguars (33)
34. New York Jets (34)
35. Benny and the Jets (NR)
36. Winnipeg Jets (NR)
37. Reporter Ashley Wenskoski, who covers Syracuse football, which plays in New York, home of the Jets (NR)
38. New York Giants (38)
This is a sad drink, which is why it's the last tier. You just had a great day to cap a great weekend of football. You've won (or lost) a couple ridiculous parlays. Your team won both yesterday AND today.
It's been perfect. Scott Hanson was perfect. The Witching Hour was perfect. The grill was on fire (not literally, I hope). It's been an unreal day.
But now? It's over. The SNF game just hit the 5-minute mark of the fourth quarter. It's late. You're drunk, but responsibly drunk. You have work in, like, eight hours.
So, you do what any great Patriot would do, and head to the fridge for one more beer before the miserable work week begins. It's delicious. But, it's sad.
All of these teams are sad and are literally counting down the days until the offseason. They're so close, yet so far.
I do love me some Jameis Winston, though.
And I really love Ashley.