Paris Olympics Opening Ceremony Will Reportedly Be Boat Parade, A Perfect Way To Kick Off Games If Goal Is Bore TV Audience

The Olympics will head to the city of lights this summer, and it sounds like the Paris Games will kick off with something a little different for the opening ceremonies: a boat parade.

This will be cool for the athletes, but a one-way ticket to Dullsville for those of us watching on television.

Tony Estanguet is a highly decorated French Olympic canoer. Yes, canoer; I didn't realize it was an Olympic sport either, but apparently it is. He's now the President of the Paris 2024 Olympic committee and perhaps it was his history on the water that made him bid adieu to a traditional opening ceremony in a stadium in exchange for a boat parade down the Seine.

“It has to be a little bit the signature of Paris 2024 in a way that, from the beginning, we really try to achieve something new, something audacious,” Estanguet said.

I mean, it does make some sense. It's one of the most famous rivers in the world and flows right past iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame Cathedral.

According to The Athletic, the parade will involve athletes piling into 100 boats for a once-in-a-lifetime sight-seeing tour.

That's awesome for the athletes and awesome for people sitting on the riverbanks, but that sounds like the television equivalent of Ambien for the billion people watching on TV around the globe.

First of all, parades, are usually excruciatingly boring. Yeah, I loved going to Memorial Day Parades as a kid and seeing tanks and fire trucks roll down the street, but the rest of the time is just watching people walk and wave at you.

That's not exactly thrilling.

Athletes will get cool pictures of the Eiffel Tower during the Opening Ceremony, which might lull TV audiences to sleep. (Photo by Chesnot/Getty Images)

The Opening Ceremonies Are Usually Dull, That's Why You Need More Than A Paris Boat Parade To Make Them Watchable

The opening ceremony is not the most exciting thing in the world by nature. You get a history lesson, there are artsy-fartsy shenanigans, and then you have to sit through 200 other nations marching in until the United States finally shows up.

That's why countries usually try to liven it up a little bit.

In 1996, there wasn't a dry eye when Muhammad Ali lit the Olympic torch.

In 2008, China kicked things off by rolling out more drums than were on the late great Neil Peart's drum kit.

Then, in 2012, London said, "F--k it," and had James Bond skydive into the stadium with the Queen of England.

Yeah, I know they were stunt people, but a fake 007 and Queen Lizzy Deuce is still more exciting than watching people sight-see.

It looks like if you want a little "pizazz" in your Summer Olympic ceremony, you'll have to wait until 2028. That's when Los Angeles hosts for the first time since 1984. That one should feature a little glitz and glamor.

Or maybe Paris will start a trend. They could just pile the athletes into open-topped double-decker buses and take them on a tour of celebrities' homes.

I expected more from the French. A nation known to have an immense and inexplicable love for the slapstick comedic stylings of Jerry Lewis.

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