Paris Olympics' Boring Boat Parade Opening Ceremony Will Reportedly Last A Butt-Numbing 4 Hours

I'm looking forward to the upcoming Summer Olympics. I didn't get into the last Summer Games in Tokyo because they were the 2020 Games but held in 2021, and I couldn't come to grips with that nonsense.

But the Paris Games will be held in an even year the way God intended, and I'm more than ready to turn into an armchair expert on the sports of diving, gymnastics, and water polo for two weeks.

But this opening ceremony they've got planned… just when I think it couldn't get any more dull, it comes out (according to the Associated Press) that the yawn-inducing boat parade they've got planned for the opening ceremonies is an ass-numbing four hours.

Four. Hours.

And that's if it runs on schedule, which you know it won't.

I've talked about it before, but replacing the opening ceremony — which is normally a snoozefest in the first place — with a slow-moving procession down the Seine is maybe the worst idea the Olympics could've gone with.

The 2024 Paris Olympics will start with the longest, mo<i>st</i> boring opening ceremony imaginable.  (Photo by Chesnot/Getty Images)

I can't believe that many hours of meetings were held and the decision they came up with was to make the opening ceremonies slower and longer.

"What do people think of the opening ceremony?"

"They typically find it dull and pretentious."

"Hm, well, that's a problem… any ideas?"

"Maybe we could tighten it up a little bit; keep it under two hours."

"No, that's not it. Make it four hours. I want people to feel like Scorcese directed it… oh, and add boats. Lots of 'em!"

End scene.

Just ridiculous, I think Peyton Manning and Kelly Clarkson are great, and Mike Tirico is one of the best in the biz, but how are they supposed to vamp for four hours while boats of athletes go sightseeing for 240 minutes?!

Just a terrible idea… but yes I will probably still watch some of it.