Olympic Sports I Think I Could Compete In If I Did Nothing But Train Full-Time For 6 Months | Matt Reigle

The 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris get underway later this week, and thousands of athletes from around the world will realize their Olympic dreams.

I'm happy for them, but it did get me thinking: when did my Olympic dreams go off the rails? Probably when I realized the apex of my athletic abilities is "decent guy to have in the middle of the order on the company softball team." 

But it got me thinking that if the goal is simply making it to the Olympics, a big factor is the sport you choose. Not all are created equal. 

Like, there's no way in hell I could make the US gymnastics team, under any circumstances. If I spent every waking moment of my life pommel-horsing until I puke, I'd still wouldn't even be allowed to set foot on the floor.

A fear of heights rules out diving and my 5-foot-10 frame — while nature's perfect height — might make cracking the basketball or volleyball rosters a pipe dream.

However, I do think there are some sports in which I could make a decent push for the Olympic roster if I were to drop everything and do nothing but train, full-time for six months.

No disrespect to the athletes who compete in the following sports, but I do think I could accomplish your dreams in six months if given the time.

Again… no disrespect.

There wouldn't be a medal in the cards but six months of nothing but table tennis could result in a spot as an alternate… or at least ball bag carrier. (Photo by Wang Dongzhen/Xinhua via Getty Images)

Table Tennis (Ping-Pong, To The Layperson)

I spent a week at the Outer Banks this summer on a family vacation and the house we rented had a ping-pong table in it. I hadn't played in years, but I was shocked to see how quickly I picked it back up.

It was impressive. I was even holding the paddle that goofy upside-down way like they do in the Olympics and beat my brother a couple of times, and that was after about an hour of playing, while taking swigs of gin and tonic between points.

If I joined some table tennis club and did nothing but eat, sleep, ping and pong for half a year, I think I could be within striking distance of a spot on the US roster. Probably as an alternate, but that still counts in this exercise. At least, I'd become friendly enough with the rest of the team that they'd let me carry the ball bag ahead of matches.

Sure, I wouldn't have a prayer of competing with the Chinese National team, but that's not the point. The point is to make the Olympics and then get all the free swag and a free trip to France.

Oh, and represent my country. That too.

(By the way, I have a theory about ping-pong tables: I've known many people who own one, but none of them bought it. It either came with the house or was given to them by someone who wanted to clear out their basement or garage. That has led me to believe that ping-pong tables are like energy in that they can not be created or destroyed, they can only change form, like going from a ping-pong table to a makeshift storage closet.)

Nick Christie competes in the Men's 20k Racewalk Final in Springfield, Oregon and it made me happy that an enterprising photographer thought to post up near the <i>Simpsons </i>mural. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)

Racewalking

I have been walking almost as long as I've been alive. That makes me uniquely positioned to be a racewalking phenom with the right amount of training.

It would mostly be a matter of increasing my endurance. Olympic racewalking events are 20 kilometers or 12.4 miles. I can throw down a quick 4 miles at Epcot in record time, and that's even with stops for a Mickey pretzel and beer.

However, I think I'd have to work on that ridiculous walking technique. There's a lot of hip-swinging and heel-toeing going on. I'd probably get a couple of penalties for accidentally running over the first couple of weeks, but by about Week 5, I'd look right at home in a racewalking field with my short-shorts, sunglasses, and weird, ill-fitting tank top.

I'm not saying I'd become a rowing phenom, but I don think i could get good enough to sit somewhere in the middle of the boat and not cause any problems. (Photo By Stephen McCarthy/Sportsfile via Getty Images)

Rowing

Not to brag, but I live in an apartment, and with that comes a gym with a rowing machine. 

I've been known to hop on there from time to time and throw down some rows because it works a lot of muscles but mostly I like the whooshing noise the tank with the water in it makes.

With enough hitting the rowing machine and some time out on the water, I think you could slot me into the middle of one of those 8-man rowing teams and you wouldn't even notice I was there, save for the fact that everyone would be like, "Whoa, that dude in the middle of the boat with the backward hat and zinc on his nose is handsome as hell."

Now a two-man team? I think it would be clear almost immediately that one of the rowers in the US boat only had about six months of training under his belt.

Maybe I'm missing something, but it sure seems that the bulk of the responsibilities in dresage are on the horse. (Photo by Rolf Vennenbernd/picture alliance via Getty Images)

Dressage

What is dressage? Well, as far as I know, it appears to be getting a horse to throw down some dance moves.

Perhaps I'm ill-informed, but isn't this sport more about the horse than it is the top-hatted dude riding it, right? 

I mean, I'm sure there's a lot I'd have to learn in six months, but it seems like it's a taller order for the horse. He's the one has to jump around or moonwalk or whatever and meanwhile I just have to sit up there, tell him what to do and when, and figure out how the hell to button up my riding coat.

I'm sure the rider plays a role, but I have a hard time believing that the best rider in the world could hop on a horse with four left hooves and get too far into the competition.

So, I'm thinking that with six-months of honing my riding skills and then bonding with a kickass horse whose dancing fuses Flash Dance and MC Hammer s--t, we'd be a formidable duo on the international stage.

…

So, if you had six months to train for an Olympic event, which one would you choose to train for. Let me know by sending a message to mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com.