NFL Teams Ranked As The Most Insufferable, Gaslighting, Deranged Media Stars Who Used To Be Normal
Look, it's been a long week. I spent days getting ready for a hurricane, then got hit by a hurricane and a tornado, then spent all day yesterday like I was in Little House on the Prairie with no food, water or electricity.
So, yes. These weekly rankings are a day late. Sorry. My bad! I'll do better next time. Noted.
I'll get right down to it – Kamala Harris has been making the rounds this week on a couple insufferable shows/podcasts, and she also took a shot at my Governor. So, I'm pretty annoyed by her right now.
But, we've taken enough shots at the VP over the past few days, so I'm gonna go off course just a bit here and attack the gaslighting humans who the White House keep using as a mouthpiece.
You remember when media types – and I'm talking about talk show hosts and radio hosts and sports figures – were actually likable? Back in the days when Howard Stern was must-listen, and Stephen Colbert was must-watch?
Yeah, me neither. But, I promise, they were all once tolerable. Now, they're just the worst. Nowadays, Stephen's slugging down Millers with Kamala Harris in the most fake way possible, and Howard is kissing her feet and calling out SNL for being too mean to her.
Too mean!
So, I'm done with it. It stops now. These people are a shell of themselves and need to be called out for being insufferable.
It's Week 6 NFL Power Rankings: the ‘Media Types Who Used To Be Cool But Are Now Completely Insane’ edition!
Let's cook:
Tier 1: The Stephen Colbert tier
1. Minnesota Vikings, in any country, apparently (LW:1)
2. Detroit Lions (2)
3. Kansas City Chiefs, who refuse to just lose a game even though their entire offense is hurt (3)
4. Joe and Troy, who refuse to stop talking about Pat Mahomes even though nobody wants to hear it anymore (NR)
5. Baltimore Ravens (5)
6. Houston Texans (8)
I mean, goodness gracious. This guy is just the worst. And he used to be so normal, at least in the world of late night TV. I'm sure he's always been a lib, but at least he never did vaccine dances like a complete weirdo and melted every time Trump opened his mouth.
He also never did shit like this, which was just so beyond embarrassing I'm still at a loss for words four days later:
This dude is the worst. He's such a gaslighter and a virtue-signaler and a panderer that it makes me sick. He used to be funny. Now, he's just insufferable. Tier 1 you go, Stevy!
The Vikings can apparently just win anywhere on the planet, although they weren't that impressive last week. Aaron Rodgers STUNK, which certainly helped. See ya, Saleh!
Lions are always solid. May be the best team in the NFC. We'll see. Ravens have my head in a pretzel when it comes to fourth quarter performances.
Joe and Troy – ENOUGH with Pat. We get it. God, we get it.
Tier 2: The Howard Stern tier
7. Washington Damn Football TEAM (9)
8. Jayden Daniels stock (NR)
9. Buffalo Bills (4)
10. Josh Allen's smelling salt guy (NR)
11. Tampa Bay Bucs (7)
12. Emily Mayfield (NR)
When you read or hear about Trump Derangement Syndrome, Howie Stern here is the poster boy for it. Front and center, baby. He's off his rocker, and has been ever since 2016.
Stern really went batshit crazy during COVID, by the way. He was still somewhat normal before 2020. After that? LOSER. Huge, huge loser.
And he used to be the guy when it came to the world of talk radio. Like, it was Howard Stern and then everyone else, and there was a major dropoff between 1 and 2.
Not anymore, though. Now, his shows look like this:
Good lord. What a loser. What a complete, utter loser.
You know who ain't doing that? Jayden Daniels! Guy is a rock star and may win MVP this year. And I'm only half-kidding.
Bills might be cooked. Don't know yet. I said that a few weeks ago and then they beat the Jags by 400 and seemed invincible.
If Tua's last name was Allen the country wouldn't freak out about his concussions. There, I said it. THIS guy got back in the game last week after slamming his noggin on the turf:
Incredible. And Tua's on the IR for a month because he ran into Damar Hamlin. OK. Cool.
Emily!
Tier 3: The Keith Olbermann tier
13. Arizona Cardinals, but only in the fourth quarter (25)
14. San Francisco 49ers, but only quarters 1-3 (11)*
15. Dallas Cowboys, who are probably not high enough but they're also the Cowboys (16)
16. Atlanta Falcons (19)
17. Green Bay Packers (14)
18. New Orleans Saints, who have come plummeting back to earth (13)
19. Crime in New Orleans over the last three weeks (NR)
20. Seattle Seahawks (15)*
*not including Thursday Night Football. Again, I had a hurricane to deal with. Sorry.
Crazy Keith used to be a staple for sport's fans back in the 1990s. He was one of the OG Sportscenter hosts, and his voice was synonymous with badass highlights from the days events.
He used to be an idol for many sports fans who wanted to one day be in this business. Like, that's true – people used to actually look up to Keith Olbermann.
Now, he's a lunatic. Just a batshit crazy old man who refuses to leave his basement and can't get Donald Trump or Riley Gaines or Elon Musk off his brain.
Seriously, he can't:
He's INSANE! That guy used to be so cool. Sad.
Cardinals are maybe the sneakiest, funnest team in the league. Love Tiny Kyler Murray.
The 49ers have maybe the worst training staff in the league. Seriously, everyone just keeps getting hurt. It's amazing.
Kirk Cousins is about to become the weirdest folk hero the city of Atlanta has ever had, for multiple reasons.
Saints may be about to plummet … big time.
Same with Seattle.
Tier 4: The Dan Le Batard tier
21. Philadelphia Eagles (18)
22. Philadelphia Phillies (NR)
23. Denver Broncos (24)
24. LA Rams (21)
25. Pittsburgh Steelers, see No. 18 (20)
26. LA Chargers, who probably deserve to be higher but they were on a bye and I sort of forgot about them until right now, my bad (22)
27. New York Jets, minus Robert Saleh (26)
This one may be more of a local thing for me because I'm a Florida guy and Dolphins fan, and grew up reading Dan in the Miami Herald.
He used to be awesome. Like, must-read stuff. Loved him. Respected his takes. Actually admired his style.
Now? Yikes. Guy is looney tunes. He just pumps out dumb take after dumb take, and the sports-world just eats it up because of his name. He's full of shit – he once said he's in the middle politically, which is hilarious – and is such a hippie liberal talking head it makes my soul hurt.
Used to be so great. So sad.
Are any of these teams any good at all? I have no clue. I don't think they are, but they could also win some ballgames and make some noise here in a few months.
The Angry Steelers Mob has been quiet lately in my emails. Weird.
Bo Nix and Sean Payton are two weirdo peas in a pod.
Chargers? No clue about that team. None.
Tier 5: The Bill Nye tier
28. Cincinnati Bengals (27)
29. Indy Colts (29)
30. Chicago Bears (31)
31. New York Football Giants (37)
32. Carolina Panthers (28)
33. Florida Panthers (NR)
34. Miami Dolphins, but only against the only other offense in football worse than them (43)
35. New England Patriots, who are that team (35)
36. Tennessee Titans (32)
37. Jacksonville Jaguars 41)
38. Oakland Raiders w/Davante Adams (NR)
39. Oakland Raiders without/Davante Adams (34)
40. Jim Brown (NR)
41. The color brown (NR)
42. Zac Brown Band (NR)
43. CBS studio man James Brown (NR)
44. Cleveland Browns (36)
Bill Nye the Science guy … Bill, Bill, Bill!
Guy used to be the BEST during my childhood. When we rolled into science class and saw a Bill Nye VHS on the teacher's table, we knew it was gonna be a good day. Nothing like a little Bill Nye to pass the time on a lazy Friday in middle school and get us right into the weekend.
But now? God, is he awful. Just the worst. He's no longer just a pretty cool potion guy on the TV who performs cool stunts in the lab and teaches pre-pubescent teens about the wonderful intricacies of science.
Now? Now he's THIS guy:
I mean, what a shill. What an idiot. Sad.
All of these teams stink and deserve to be relegated to the XFL. The Bengals somehow lost after Joey B threw 5 tuddies, which is maybe the most impressive stat that came out of last weekend.
Giants!
Dolphins-Pats was the worst football game I've ever, ever, watched.
Browns are the Bill Nye of the NFL. Don't know what that means, but it's not good.
Start Jameis, you cowards!
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.