NFL Teams Ranked As Iconic Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models
Yep, this NFL season is … weird. It's just weird. No other way to say it.
Sam Darnold is the MVP front-runner, and the Vikings may be the best team in the league. Andy Dalton is maybe a top-10 QB in 2024. The Panthers have a way better offense than the Miami Dolphins.
So does the local 8A high school football team down the road, by the way, but that's neither here nor there.
What else? Travis Kelce is washed. Beyond washed. Like, DONE-DONE. Dak Prescott is telling folks to jump off cliffs (OK, not cliffs, but you get the idea), the Bengals just got boat-raced by the Washington Football Team, and the Pittsburgh Steelers are somehow 3-0.
I could go on and on, but it's chaos out there. I somehow came out ahead this past weekend gambling. Go figure. I've got some buddies who are on food stamps after Sunday. True story.
Anyway, all that to say … things ain't what they used to be in the NFL in 2024, and I think we all need a little stability back in our lives. Just for a day, at least. Luckily, I'm here for you.
What's more normal than hot Sports Illustrated swimsuit models? Nothing. Nothing is more normal than that. Just brings you back to the good old days, right? Now, to be fair, SI Swimsuit is a shell of itself nowadays. Sort of like the NFL.
But every once in a while, someone comes in and reminds the world what made America so great in the first place. As Kamala says – over and over and over and over again – what can be, unburdened by what has been.
SI rookie Penny Lane did that just a few days ago, when she flipped the internet on its head by posing in nothing but tin foil. Tin foil! That's the SI I grew up with. Simple, but effective.
So, let's rank NFL teams based on a couple legends of the game. Sound like a plan? Good!
It's NFL Week 4 Power Rankings: ‘The SI Swimsuit HOFers edition!' Let's roll.
Tier 1: The Kate Upton tier
1. Buffalo Bills (LW: 7)
2. Kansas City Chiefs, but only with Tim Riggins toting the rock! (1)
3. Minnesota Vikings, which seems way too high but also Sam Darnold is apparently elite now (13)
4. The Brian Flores > Tua Tagovailoa crowd (NR)
5. Detroit Lions (6)
6. Dan Campbell's poor real estate agent (NR)
7. Kate when playoff baseball starts (NR)
I know Kate Upton hasn't been around the longest, but I just feel like she's everything right about an SI Swimsuit model. She embodies the position, embraces the position, and dominates the position. She's changed lives, opened eyes, and let it fly …
… birds, that is. She's let birds fly:
She's the best. Legend of the game, master of her craft.
The Bills are the best team in the NFL right now and there ain't a close second. I assume the wheels will come off at some point soonish like they always do, but it's a bloodbath right now.
I can't believe the Vikings and the Brian Flores-led defense are doing what they're doing. As an already miserable Dolphins fan, it's just par for the course, frankly.
Dan Campbell having to move houses because angry Lions fans found his address is peak Detroit stuff. Football town. Time to break some kneecaps!
Tier 2: The Elle Macpherson tier
8. Houston Texans, (3)
9. Tampa Bay Bucs, although they may be frauds (5)
10. Philadelphia Eagles, although Nick Sirianni is insufferable (12)
11. Baltimore Ravens, but ONLY in quarters 1-3 (11)
12. New Orleans Saints (10)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers* (21)
14. Green Bay Packers (16)
*definitely not an actual good team, but putting here so angry Steelers fans stop emailing me.
This is a classic right here. Elle Macpherson has the legs – both physically and in longevity – and she's pretty much the one who put SI on the map way back in the day. Absolute unit.
She's been on the cover a record five times, narrowly edging out Kate (4), and she's Australian, which automatically gives her points. PS: her nickname is "The Body." The Body!
Again, she's a unit, and she's probably deserving of the top spot, but I'm 31 and grew up with Kate, so here we are.
The Bucs came crashing back down to earth and looked like whatever adjective is worse than ass on Sunday against the Broncos.
The Eagles stole one in New Orleans, which makes sense given it was in New Orleans.
Ravens refuse to play a full four quarters of good, clean football. Lamar made a suicide joke after the game that had the Big Js on high alert. Things are going well there.
No chance the Steelers are actually good. Even Steelers fans – sane ones, at least – know that.
Malik Willis for MVP?
Tier 3: The Farrah Fawcett tier
15. Seattle Seahawks, even though they've played the three worse QBs in NFL history to start the season (20)
16. San Francisco 49ers, even though there is nobody left (9)
17. New York Jets (20)
18. LA Chargers (14)
19. Dallas Cowboys (15)
20. Jerry Jones talkin' penises (NR)
21. Arizona Cardinals (19)
I mean, what can I say about Farrah Fawcett that hasn't already been said a million times? This chick had it back in the day (RIP), and her memory still lives on every single time we flip through a Sports Illustrated on the toilet.
Do people still do that? That was the BEST back in the day. Now we all just scroll Twitter and TikTok for hours on end. It's the worst.
Anyway, Farah got her big break as Jill Monroe from Charlie's Angels, but her stardom didn't take off like an absolute rocket ship until she graced the cover of SI. A record 12 million copies later, she was the No. 1 cover model ever and never looked back.
She also dominated a little show called Logan's Run back in the day. For those of you under 50, look it up!
The Seahawks are as good of a team as the Steelers. Sorry, but it's true. Did y'all see Skylar Thompson on Sunday? He wouldn't start in the XFL, much less the NFL. I hate the Dolphins.
San Fran is just here out of respect, frankly. That's all. They stink.
Same with the Cowboys.
Jerry!!!
Tier 4: The Martha Stewart tier
22. LA Rams (25)
23. Washington Football Team (32)
24. Atlanta Falcons, even though they don't trust their $180 million QB to throw the ball three yards on fourth down (27)
25. Cris Collinsworth's obsession with Pat Mahomes (NR)
26. Andy Dalton! (NR)
27. Carolina Panthers (42!!!!)
28. Denver Broncos, somehow (36)
Look, Martha is a classic in the grand scheme of things. She has some FIRE home-goods to sell you and is a beast in the kitchen.
But, is she what we're looking for when it comes to SI swimsuit models? I don't know. I didn't need to see 81-year-old Martha Stewart in a bikini last year. Did you? Didn't think so.
Some things in life are just better left to the imagination, I reckon. It's a weird imagination, but an imagination nonetheless.
That's what these teams are … teams we all thought we'd be better off never seeing again, only to nudge their way back into our lives last weekend.
Jayden Daniels? My God. I can't believe Washington actually has a QB. Also, I love Dan Quinn's backwards hat look. Don't know why, but it fires me up. Must drive Cowherd crazy.
Welcome back to the show, Andy Dalton! Red Rifle time, baby! I'm just happy for OutKick's resident Panthers fan, Sean Joseph. He deserved that one Sunday.
Cris:
Tier 5: The Kim Petras tier
29. Cincinnati Bengals (23)
30. Cleveland Browns (29)
31. Cleveland Browns guy John Fanta (NR)
32. Indianapolis Colts, minus Anthony Richardson (28)
33. Oakland Raiders, minus Gardner Minshew (26)
34. Tennessee Titans (34)
35. New England Patriots (33)
36. Chicago Bears (35)
37. New York Football Giants! (40)
38. An actual Dolphin (NR)
39. An actual Jaguar (NR)
40. Miami Hurricanes (NR)
41. Literally any 8A Florida high school football team (NR)
42. Jacksonville Jaguars (30)
43. Miami Dolphins (17)
I mean, come on. What are we doing here, SI? You had such a good thing going. Frankly, it was the easiest, most simple, most rewarding job on the planet.
Find hot girls. Put them in red bikinis. Put them in the sand. Take pictures. Put them on magazine cover. Rinse, wash, repeat. Easiest job in the world.
And then you had to go woke and gaslightey and virtue-signaley and get all progressive and hip and cool and put a transgender female on your cover.
And you lost us. We all just stopped caring last year when you did this, and I'm not sure you've fully recovered. It's gotten better as of late – take rookie Penny Lane, for example – but I'm not sure you'll ever get prime seating at the toilet anymore.
Sad.
All of these teams stink. The Browns are a joke. Both Florida teams are a joke. Trevor Lawrence may be the biggest con-man in the continental United States. Tua is the biggest one outside of it.
Anthony Richardson literally can't complete a simple pass 10 yards or further downfield.
Will Levis is a meme at this point:
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.