NFL Teams Ranked As The Hottest Scream Queens In Halloween Movies
One week, boys and girls. One week until the big day. The day when anyone 22 and younger goes out and gets tanked, no matter what day of the week it is, and when anyone 23 and older just sort of sits at home and treats it like a regular evening.
Halloween, baby! Best holiday of the year. That's right. I said it, but most of you already know that if you've followed these rankings for a while now (and why wouldn't you?).
I love Halloween. It's not for everyone, but it's right in my wheelhouse. Love the movies, the music, the weather, the vibes … all of it. It's so much better than Christmas, it's not even funny. Or close.
If you really think about it, you'll get there, too. Trust me.
Anyway, back to the movies … Halloween movies – and horror movies in general – are so much better than anything you're gonna watch on Hallmark starting next Friday that it's frankly silly to even compare the two.
Halloween, Scream, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Kamala Harris becoming the 47th president … all terrifying, and all Halloween staples in this house (minus the last one, of course … God willin').
But I don't want to sit here and rank teams based on horror movies. Maybe next week, but not today. Today, I'd like to celebrate the hot girls in these movies. Yesterday was something called "National Scream Queen Day" after all.
It's only right to honor them. So, honor them, we will!
It's Week 7 NFL Power Rankings: ‘Teams ranked as hot horror movie girls" edition! Let’s get spooky.
Tier 1: The Danielle Harris tier
1. Detroit Lions (LW: 2)
2. Baltimore Ravens (5)
3. Minnesota Vikings (1)
4, Kansas City Chiefs (4)
5. DeAndre Hopkins going from WILL LEVIS to PATRICK MAHOMES (NR)
6. Kennesaw State Owls! (NR)
7. Houston Texans (6)
It's a wild card right off the bat, but this Danielle Harris deserves this top spot more than anyone on this list, and it ain't even close once you start digging into it.
For starters, she's been in FOUR Halloween movies. Four! Danielle got her start as a kid actor in Halloween 4 and 5 as Jamie Lloyd, and then returned to the franchise decades later in Rob Zombie's two awful remakes as Annie Brackett.
She survived Michael Myers in the first of the two, and then was so brutally butchered in the sequel that I don't even want to share it here. Just a massacre. Honestly, I can't even share it. The woke system won't let me.
Anyway, she's clearly gone on to do great things in her post-Michael Myers life, as you can see, and I can't wait to see what she does next.
The Lions are finally where they probably should've been all along, Baltimore will be there at some point soon, and the Chiefs will most likely be there come January.
Texans? Eh. Probably still too high, but I did put them behind the Owls!
Tier 2: The Neve Campbell tier
8. Buffalo Bills (8)
9. Green Bay Packers (12)
10. Washington Redskins (11)
11. Tampa Bay Bucs with Chris Godwin (10)
12. Tampa Bay Bucs without Chris Godwin and with a dumbass head coach who plays his starters down a billion with two minutes left (NR)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers? (17)
14. Mr. Unlimited! (NR)
Look, if Danielle didn't have such a loaded Instagram account, Neve would've been No. 1 on this list by a mile. A mile.
She's the best Scream Queen out there. For starters, she's literally in a franchise called Scream, so it's sort of a given that she's gonna have a leg up on the rest of the field right off the bat.
But beyond that, Sidney Prescott is a badass from the first movie to … whatever the hell movie they're on now. I stopped watching after six, and frankly I'm surprised I lasted that long.
Anyway, she's managed to fight off a gang of psychopaths in all walks of life – from high school to well into her 40s – and she's done it with incredible grace and aplomb.
And, to answer that above question … hot. Easy. Next!
The Packers should probably be higher on this list, but Josh Allen getting Amari Cooper buys the Bills a few more weeks. Still, they let the Titans and Mason Rudolph hang around. Mason Rudolph!
Redskins are apparently just a wagon with anyone under center at this point. What a turnaround.
Fire stupid Todd Bowles into the sun. Yes, I'm a Godwin fantasy owner.
Steelers? Steelers!
Russ:
Tier 3: Courteney Cox tier
15. Philadelphia Eagles (16)
16. San Francisco 49ers (13)
17. Seattle Seahawks (19)
18. Atlanta Falcons (14)*
19. LA Chargers (18)*
20. Denver Broncos (29)*
21. Cincinnati Bengals (28)**
* Maybe ass but don't know yet for sure.
** Not ass on paper and playing better because it's almost November.
Look, there's a big caveat here. Gale Weathers is an all-timer in every single Scream … except Scream 3.
I don't know who the hell decided doing this to Courteney Cox in Scream 3 was a good idea, but whoever it was should be fired into the sun along with dumb Todd Bowles:
I mean, my God. Look what they did to Courteney! Absolute massacre, and it had nothing to do with the movie itself.
Other than that, Gale Weathers is a HOF Scream Queen, and would be higher on this list if she was the main character. Oh well. She's one hell of a supporting actress.
Are any of these teams any good? Maybe? But probably not? I don't know. I assume the Bengals will be in the next tier before Thanksgiving, and then in the top-five before the new year, so we'll see.
Other than that, I'm not sure I trust anyone here. The Niners' healthiest receiver right now was shot in the chest a month ago – that's actually true, inexplicably – the Falcons just got boat-raced at home, and the Broncos have Bo Nix.
Any of that making anyone feel particularly good? Didn't think so.
Tier 4: The Sarah Michelle Gellar tier
22. LA Rams until this trade Cooper Kupp next week (22)
23. Chicago Bears (21)
24. Arizona Cardinals (NR because I forgot them, which isn't hard to do)
25. New York Yankees (NR)
26. New York Liberty (NR and probably woke)
27. New York Jets (25)
28. Dallas Cowboys (27)
29. Indianapolis Colts even though Anthony Richardson may be terrible (33)
30. New Orleans Saints (20)
Another wild card here, but I do think SMG is an underrated horror movie star. She may not get the praise a Neve Campbell gets, but that doesn't mean we don't respect her around here.
The Grudge was one of the biggest horror movies ever when it came out – you had to be there – and SMG was the perfect choice back then. She also made solid use of her time in the beginning of Scream 2, and really set the tone for the rest of the movie:
See? Solid. She wasn't there for long, but she left an impression. That's all we can ask for out of a Scream Queen.
Look, all these teams stink on ice and there's nothing else I can really say about it. The Jets can sign whoever the hell they want at this point, it probably won't matter. They're cooked.
The Rams are already talking fire-sale and it ain't even Halloween yet.
The Colts would probably be a legit playoff contender if they weren't starting Anthony Richardson, but I get why they're doing it. Still, he's pretty awful. Trust me, I had to sit through Dolphins-Colts last week. I know. I saw it.
Cowboys may be on the verge of an absolute meltdown. Stay tuned. Can't wait.
Tier 5: The Jamie Lee Curtis tier
31. London Jaguars (NR)
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (38)
33. Mystery Texas Longhorns fans (NR)
34. Miami Dolphins (34)*
35. New York Giants (31)
36. Carolina Panthers (35)**
37. Tennessee Titans (37)
38. New England Patriots (36)
39. Jerod Mayo's job security, as if he's the problem (NR)
40. Oakland Raiders (40)
41. Antonio Pierce's job security as if he's not the problem (NR(
42. Cleveland Browns (46)***
* only this high because Tua is back
** QB sprained his thumb in a car accident
*** only this high because starting QB is no longer a creep
Look, I hate to do it. I really do. The Halloween franchise is easily the best horror movie franchise of all time, and Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode is obviously a big reason why.
Now, do I think she was a little dumb in the first one as a high school babysitter? Sure. She made some pretty amateur mistakes against Michael, but whatever. It was her first time. She was a badass in the most recent trilogy, even though it was mostly garbage.
She'd be way up on this list – probably 2 or 3 – if she was just a normal person in today's world. But she's not, as you can see. She's insufferable, clearly, and I can't stand for that. Not here. Not today.
What could have been. Sad.
If you thought the last tier of teams was bad, just wait for this one! Whoaaaaaaaaa Nellie are there some BAD football teams this season.
The Dolphins should work their way out of this pit of misery by next week assuming Mike McDaniel gets his head out of his ass and Tua protects his (head, not ass). The Panthers have most likely peaked now that Bryce Young is back.
I miss Will Levis. There, I said it. Guy was on a generational run.
It's OK to cheer for scumbag players to get hurt. Piss of, Deshaun. Welcome back, Jameis!
Longhorns fan: