NFL Teams Ranked As Christmas Villains
We're six days away, boys and girls. Get those Amazon orders in STAT, because time is running out and you're a couple more days away from having to venture out to the shopping mall on a playoff Saturday to find stocking stuffers.
Go check out the local Sears. I'm sure they have some great deals this year!
OK, let's get down to business. I don't have a ton of time, and we all know the tiers this time of year. They're gonna be Christmas-related. No shock there.
BUT, this tweet did tickle my pickle earlier this week:
I was JUST watching this movie, and thought the exact same thing. This dude is truly the worst. Honestly, so is the mom, but we'll get to both in a minute.
It's Week 16 NFL Power Rankings: ‘Teams ranked as Christmas Villains’ edition! Let's roll.
Tier 1: The ‘Marv' tier
1. Buffalo Bills (LW: 3)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (3)
3. Detroit Lions (1)
4. Kansas City Chiefs (4)
5. Tony Romo's insufferability whenever he calls a Mahomes or Allen game (NR)
I mean, Marv from Home Alone is the undisputed GOAT of Christmas villains. I said this last year when I had Marv ranked for something else, and I'll say it again here …
Feel like Daniel Stern was sort of Kevin James before Kevin James came in and cornered the physical comedy market.
Some people know how to make getting the shit beat out of you funny, and that's literally Stern's only job for two whole movies. Just … making getting hit in the face with a brick funny. And he nails it.
Marv also gives us some sneaky funny one-liners, too.
Wow! What a hole.
Harry, I've Reached The Top!
Why The Hell Are You Dressed Like A Chicken?
Maybe he committed suicide? (would never fly today)
Bills obviously take the top spot because they stuffed Detroit in a locker. Now, will Buffalo win a Super Bowl this year? Probably not. We all know how this movie ends. But they're certainly the best team right now.
Pat Mahomes has invoked the ‘I’m super injured and may not be able to play again, just kidding I'm fine I was faking the whole thing' card early this year. Interesting.
Tony Romo needed new pants Sunday.
Tier 2: The ‘Neal' tier
6. Minnesota Vikings (7)
7. Baltimore Ravens (8)
8. Green Bay Packers (9)
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (5)*
10. Denver Broncos (10)*
11. Tampa Bay Bucs (13)
* Feeling fraudish
Obviously, Neal was gonna make this list. He's the reason we're all here in the first place!
I was just watching the OG Santa Clause earlier this week, and I had the same exact thought. This guy is just the WORST. He's awful. I said this yesterday in Nightcaps (two doors down the hall!) … Frankly, I put the wife right up there with him, because she allows this dick to talk to her kid like he does.
Horrible mother, even worse step-father. Insufferable. I mean, they literally spend the entire first movie telling an 8-year-old Santa doesn't exist. Who does that? What's the point? What are you hoping to gain out of that?
I feel like all of these teams could either reach their respective conference championship games, or lose by double-digits on wild card weekend. Bucs might be sneaky sneaky sneaky this year, though. Look out.
Tier 3: The ‘Lucy' tier
12. Washington Redskins (14)
13. Seattle Seahawks (12)*
14. LA Chargers (11)*
15. Houston Texans (15)*
16. LA Rams (17)
17. Arizona Cardinals (18)
* Sneaky bad teams who beat awful teams but get smoked by good ones, AKA ‘The Dolphins Rule’
Look, let's just call it like we see it here … Lucy from the entire Charlie Brown franchise is a bitch. Not just the Christmas one, all of ‘em. She’s the worst. She's a brat, she's going to get Charlie killed one of these days, and she's manipulative.
Frankly, Charlie should break her finger the next time he lines up for a kick. Forget the ball – you know she's gonna move it anyway. Just aim for her hand. Bet she'll never yank it away again.
You never wanna be compared to the Dolphins, so I wouldn't feel great right now as a Seattle-LA-Houston fan. Sorry. Just being honest.
Tier 4: The ‘Scut Farkus' tier
18. Cincinnati Bengals (20)
19. San Francisco 49ers minus De'Vondre Campbell, literally (19)
20. Atlanta Falcons, minus Kirk Cousins, who certainly feels cooked (24)
21. Michael Penix's girlfriend, Olivia Carter (NR)
Honestly, Scut Farkus should probably be higher on this list, but it's too late to turn back, now. I've got other things to do today, you know. I can't be in this class forever.
That being said, he is a superb Christmas villain. For starters, the name is elite. What a name.
Scut Farkus! What a rotten name!
Hilarious. He also looks the part, too. Between him and his freakshow little sidekick, I grew up with nightmares after watching Christmas Story.
Ralphie beating the piss out of him while saying every cuss word in the book is also an elite scene. Probably wouldn't be allowed on TV today because this country has gone soft. But, we're coming back, so maybe next year!
Bengals have my mind in such a pretzel. They may be the first 6-8 team in NFL history to feel like a Super Bowl caliber team. Joe Burrow is being wasted there. Trade him to Miami!
Kirk Cousins? What a waste of money. He stinks now. Sad.
Olivia!
Tier 5: The ‘Cindy Lou Who’ tier
22. Indy Colts as long as they don't run dumbass plays/drop the ball before the end zone (22)
23. New Orleans Saints (25)
24. Dallas Cowboys (27)
25. Aaron Rodgers vs. Ryan Clark (NR)
26. New York Jets (34)
27. Carolina Panthers (23)
28. Cleveland Browns minus Jameis (sad) ((25))
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (29)
30. New England Patriots (30)
31. Tennessee Titans minus Will Levis (33)
32. Oakland Raiders (32)
33. Chicago Bears, even though Caleb Williams is who they thought he was (a drama queen with painted nails) ((31))
34. New York Football Giants (38)
35. The Jacksonville Dolphins, who don't even have a football program (NR)
36. An actual Dolphin (NR)
37. The Dolphin that was stolen from Ace Ventura (NR)
38. Miami Dolphins (16)
Didn't see this one coming, did you? Well, it's here, and it's true. I can't STAND this girl. Her and Lucy – the WORST.
Cindy Lou Who is by far the worst part of ‘The Grinch.’ By far. She meddles in shit she's not supposed to be meddling in, she takes it upon herself to try and fix someone who clearly doesn't want to be fixed, and she ruins an entire Christmas jubilation – the 1,000th jubilation, I might add – just because she's searching for the true meaning of Christmas.
Hey, Cindy – piss off. Know your place. Stay in your lane. You're a kid. Listen up, open your gifts, and act right. Stop dragging an entire town into your quest to find deeper meaning. Enough.
All of these teams are mega ass, and the Dolphins fall a remarkable 18 spots after confirming once and for all that they are, in fact, a disgustingly soft franchise.
Fire McDaniel. Fire Grier. Do whatever you want with Tua at this point, I don't care. I'm done.
PS: Aaron Rodgers vs. woke Ryan Clark? What a battle!