Merry Christmas, Sh*tter's Full! NFL Teams Ranked As Christmas Movies
It's Dec. 12, which means we've got – *checks notes* – 13 days until Christmas.
Thirteen!
Feel like we were just stuffing birds and giving thanks, and now we're scrambling for last-minute gifts that will inevitably be re-gifted, but we spend money we don't have on them anyway, because society tells us that's the norm.
Tis the season!
I do love Christmas. Don't get me wrong. Well, scratch that, I love the Christmas season. I don't particularly care for Christmas – the day. I've long maintained that Christmas Eve is the far superior day. The build-up to Christmas is far better than the day itself.
The day is filled with stress, travel, drama, cranky kids, passive-aggressive parents and in-laws … it's the worst. Yeah, I've got some STORIES. Can't ya tell?!
But, you're not here to hear about my crappy Christmas experiences. You're here, presumably, to see where your team falls this week. So, let's get to the drawing board.
It's Week 15 (Jesus, it's almost done) NFL Power Rankings: The ‘Let’s Rank Teams Based On The Best Christmas Movie' edition.
Take us away, Clark!
Tier 1: The ‘Christmas Vacation’ tier
1. Detroit Lions (LW: 1)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (3)
3. Buffalo Bills (2)
4. Kansas City Chiefs (4)
There's just not even a close second in terms of Christmas movies. It's a bloodbath, and has been for decades now.
Have you ever met someone who doesn't like Christmas Vacation? Honestly, I don't think I have. I feel like it's the most universally liked movie … maybe ever?
I mean, how can you not put this No. 1?
The best. Randy Quaid – a PISTOL on social media, by the way – just nails it from start to finish. Legend.
Look, this tier has remained the same for about a month now, but there is a bit of movement this week with the Eagles and Bills switching places. Not even sure I actually believe the Eagles are a better team, but the Bills gave up 50 points to a pretty mediocre Rams team.
There need to be at least some consequences around here, you know.
Next!
Tier 2: The ‘Christmas Story’ tier
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5)
6. Chef Russ & Ciera (NR)
7. Minnesota Vikings (8)
8. Baltimore Ravens (7)
9. Green Bay Packers (9)
10. Denver Broncos (10)
11. LA Chargers, but only against the luckiest and I mean the luckiest team in the world (11)
If there was a close second, A Christmas Story would be it. Another classic, and – for a movie made in the early-80s, it holds up well. Really well, actually.
I mean, there's a reason TBS shows it on a 24-hour loop every single Christmas. They ain't doing it because people hate it.
The ‘old man,’ whose name is never actually said in the movie, is maybe the greatest character of all time, and this scene makes me laugh out loud each year even though I've seen it 47,000 times:
Sons of bitches! Bumpuses! Every single time.
Like the first tier (and, frankly, all of them because there were no real upsets last week), we don't have a ton of movement here, but the Vikes do inch closer to returning to the first tier.
I doubt they'll get there, because I think they may be fraudulent, but they're working their tails off, and that's all you can ask for.
Steelers are, too – including Russ and upper-deck Ciara!
Tier 3: The ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’ tier
12. Seattle Seahawks (13)*
13. Tampa Bay Bucs (16)
14. Washington Redskins (14)
15. Houston Texans (15)
16. Miami Dolphins, until they inevitably lose to a good team on the road this week (18)
17. LA Rams (20)*
18. Arizona Cardinals (17)*
19. San Francisco 49ers (19)*
*NFC West team that could either lose by 30 in the wild card round or reach the NFC championship game.
Rudolph and Frosty get all the accolades and praise, but people with an ounce of class know that Santa Claus Is Coming To Town is the best Christmas movie of this era. Easily.
Great soundtrack, hot women (Jessica is a smoke), drama and a heart-pounding finish. What the hell else are you looking for in a movie?
PS: this song? Maybe the most underrated song on the planet:
PPS: did you know the wokes tried to cancel this movie? This thread is INSANE:
Wild. Makes me want to move it up a tier!
This is unofficially dubbed the NFC West tier because it's just full of mediocre teams from … the NFC West. No clue if the Cards/Niners/Rams/Seahawks will actually make any noise this year, or be the team that gets blown out in the 4:25 Saturday wild card. Probably the latter, but who knows?
Looking forward to the Dolphins losing to another good team on the road this weekend! If you need some extra cash for the holidays, go ahead and hammer the Texans. You are welcome!
Moving on …
Tier 4: The ‘Four Christmases’ tier
20. Cincinnati Bengals (25)
21. Joe Burrow's roommate (NR)
22. Indy Colts (22)
23. Carolina Panthers, who may actually be the best team in the NFC South (26)
This is such a weird tier, which is why I thought ‘Four Christmases’ was perfect for it. I watched this movie last night, inexplicably, and you know what? It's funny. Not anything crazy or spectacular, but just … funny. I give it a solid B. Maybe a B+ with the Gram Gram scene.
It's an underrated, underappreciated Christmas movie that you don't really think about in the pantheon of great Christmas movies, but when you watch it you're like, ‘You know what? I can see it.’
That's what these teams are … when you watch ‘em, you’re like … ‘Yep, they can be good. They’re not, but they can be.'
Nothing average about Joe's roommate friend, though:
Tier 5: The ‘Jingle All The Way’ tier
24. Atlanta Falcons, who may be actually be the worst team in the NFC South (21)
25. Cleveland Browns (23)
26. New Orleans Saints (27)
27. Dallas Cowboys (28).
28. Cooper Rush's wife, Laurynn (NR)
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (33)
30. New England Patriots (31)
31. Chicago Bears (30)
32. Oakland Raiders (32)
33. Tennessee Titans (29)
34. New York Jets (34)
35. ESPN's Ashley ShahAhmadi (NR)
36. New York Giants (38)
I love Jingle All The Way. LOVE it. I'd like to put it higher on this list, but it just doesn't have the backing from the American public. Yet, at least.
It's somewhat of a cult classic, but features Arnold Schwarzenegger and SEABASS, inexplicably. Throw in a young Jake Lloyd – AKA young Anakin Skywalker – and the late Phil Hartman (RIP), and you've got yourself maybe the most underrated Christmas movie of all time.
Such a ridiculous movie, but it comes with some A+ quotes from Phil that you'll laugh at. Again, few folks actually know about Jingle All The Way, but the ones that do always enjoy their experience.
Look, all these teams stink, including the Falcons, who I moved into this tier because I think Kirk Cousins is officially washed. What a shame, because it wasn't long ago that he threw five tuddies in one game.
Oh well. Life moves FAST in the NFL.
It also moves fast when you're a hot sideline girl who gets trusted onto the national stage in a CFB conference championship game.
Luckily for us, Ashley handled it like a champ.