NBA Jam Today: Which Current Playoff Teams Would Make The Best Arcade Roster
Scott Skiles isn’t walking through that door! And neither is Glen Rice, Chris Mullin nor Terry Porter. Shawn Kemp? Forget about it. There’s (sadly) no reign in this forecast.
But pack an umbrella and a pocket full of quarters just in case. Because with 7 NBA teams still alive, I'm looking at which currently competing NBA franchises could best drain threes and rattle rims in a modern-day version of the arcade classic NBA Jam.
You know the drill by now. In 1993, NBA Jam occupied roughly half the space in the minds of young males. Tiffani Amber Thiessen occupied the other half. For a couple of quarters, you hit the arcade and choose a team of two players from one of the NBA’s then-27 teams to compete in a two-on-two fast-paced, full-court game. Balls and nets caught fire, players jumped so high that their high-top fades nearly kissed the rafters (shoutout Kendall Gill), and virtual players pushed and shoved their way to steals and the adulation of video game-playing males in a way that hadn’t been done since Bo Jackson was carving up Tecmo Bowl defenses.
Assuming you knew your way around a joystick, I don’t need to remind you that to win in NBA Jam, you needed at least one player who could consistently drain threes and one (or the same player) who could block shots. Everything in between was nice, but threes and blocks provided the best chance to win consistently.
That said, it’s time to look at the options of current NBA playoff teams’ duos that could hoist an arcade version of the Larry O’Brien trophy.
Let’s start with the East:
Boston Celtics
Jayson Tatum and Kristaps Porzingis
Remember, we only get two players per-team (though later versions of NBA Jam had three or more players to choose from when building your two-man lineup). I’m leaving Jaylen Brown and Jrue Holiday on the bench. Brown does a lot on both ends and Holiday’s steal stats would light up the screen. But Porzingis is 7’2 and can shoot. He’s blocking shots, rebounding (unless he were still on the Knicks) and occasionally shooting threes. And Tatum is widely considered a top-20 NBA player. He’s your shooter. Being 6’8 doesn’t hurt either.
New York Knicks
Jalen Brunson and Donte DiVincenzo
Every roster isn’t going to be perfect (imagine trying to find a couple of Wizards to play with!). Brunson is a dog. Or is it dawg? I don’t know. But you don’t leave that dude off a roster in real life or in video games. DiVincenzo gets the nod over Josh Hart, Julius Randle and Isaiah Hartenstein. They’re all good options, but none does any one thing as good as double-D (wait, are we still talking about Tiffani Amber Thiessen), does the three ball.
Indiana Pacers
Tyrese Haliburton and Obi Toppin
Many would’ve picked Myles Turner or Pascal Siakam to run alongside Haliburton. But this is my article, and I’m not about to leave one of today’s best in-game dunkers out of the lineup. Not to mention, having the phrase "ain’t no stoppin’ Obi Toppin," associated with your college dominance, means you get bonus points. Haliburton is a no-brainer. He can do just about anything required for a successful Jam player – shoot, steal, pass – all with great speed.
Four Teams Currently Remain In The NBA Jam Discussion Out West
Now over to the West:
Denver Nuggets
Nikola Jokic and Jamal Murray
Jokic is the league’s current MVP. And though his game is built for the driveway or an over-50 men’s league, I’ve gotta think he’d dominate Jam on both ends. He’s 6’11 with no weakness. The shot blocking won’t wow you, but I wouldn’t bet against the Joker in an arcade game with a court appearing so small that it’s a surprise the three point lines aren’t touching. As for Murray, he gets the nod over Michael Porter Jr. who would leave you to believe the "pass" button on your controller is broken. Aaron Gordon gets consideration too, but Jokic needs Murray’s speed to compliment his game in this 2v2 style of play.
DENVER, COLORADO - MAY 04: Nikola Jokic #15 of the Denver Nuggets brings the ball down court against the Minnesota Timberwolves in the first quarter during Game One of the Western Conference Second Round Playoffs at Ball Arena on May 04, 2024 in Denver, Colorado. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images)
Minnesota Timberwolves
Anthony Edwards and Karl-Anthony Towns
I’m leaving Rudy Gobert on the pine, despite his elite shot blocking skills. I know that seems asinine, being that he’s the league’s Defensive Player of the Year and the fact that KAT is allergic to defense. But hear me out, KAT is plenty big (7’0) and can shoot the three. In NBA Jam, simply being tall is generally enough to block shots. Add in his ability to shoot threes and it’s an easy call. As for Anthony Edwards, he’s recently been compared to Michael Jordan. He’ll score, rebound, defend, and jump out of the gym. He’s ready-made for NBA Jam. For what it’s worth, this lineup gives the T-Wolves and ANT and a KAT. That’s gotta count for something, right?
Oklahoma City Thunder
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Chet Holmgren
SGA finished second in NBA voting this season. He was tied for the league’s most steals. He finished fourth in scoring. He’s near perfect for Jam. Steal the ball, hit the turbo button, drain a three. Rinse, repeat, listen to the announcer scream: "He’s on fire!" Holmgren is 7’1 and can shoot. The fact that he’s thinner than airport toilet paper doesn’t matter in this setting. We’re blocking shots, shooting threes and putting nails in coffins.
Dallas Mavericks
Luka Doncic and Kyrie Irving
You didn't think I was putting P.J. Washington here, did you? Admittedly, this might be the most entertaining duo to watch. Kyrie and Luka would light up the scoreboard from just about everywhere. Kyrie brings quickness and even his most mundane real-life shots resemble video games. And Luka, well, there isn't much he can't do, aside from play defense. This might be the best combination of scorers this hypothetical game has to offer. Throw in flat-earther Kyrie doing his thing on a flatscreen tv and who knows what could happen.
So who wins?
I have to give the nod to Minnesota. Oddly enough, Karl-Anthony Towns, who’s seemingly been on the back of more milk cartoons than box scores this postseason, is the X-factor. Having an athletic big who can shoot the three and block shots can be a game-changer in NBA Jam. There’d be no disappearing act from KAT in this setting. Factor in Edwards’ all-around skill set and athleticism and I think it’s time to start printing championship t-shirts in the Twin-Cities.
Boomshakalaka!
Follow along on X: @OhioAF