Look Out Pittsburgh! Naked Bowling Is Back If You're Into That

Nudists in the Steel City rejoice! Balls Out Bowling — Pittsburgh's premiere nude bowling event — is back!

According to WTRF, Crafton Ingram Lanes in Pittsburgh will be the site of the big event Sunday, April 28 which will be hosted by Pittsburgh Area Naturalists.

Nudity is a prerequisite to hit the lanes that night, but ladies are allowed to wear bottoms if they desire. There's zero tolerance for harassment and photography is a big no-no.

So, there's some level of decorum, although I could see those little hand dryers being used in ways God never intended.

I've got a lot of questions about this. First and foremost, do they still have to wear shoes? I feel like that kind of ruins the whole point of being naked. Shoes aren't going to save your big toe if a ball slips out of your hand (a bowling ball… get your mind out of the gutter).

Secondly, is bowling a good nude sport? Like, any sport with any sharp objects, contact, or a lot of jostling is a no from me, dawg. 

Darts? No.

Ax-throwing? Hell, naw.

Flag football? Are you kidding me?! 

Cycling? Maybe, if you burn the bike afterward.

But bowling seems like it would be okay, despite a significant amount of jostling.

Every time I go fully-clothed bowling, I'm always flooded with thoughts about the whole experience. It's not enough to distract me from dropping 120 on an unsuspecting public, but it does take me off my game a little bit.

I can get behind any sport where you're encouraged to have a pitcher of beer on hand, but some things about bowling will never not be weird to me. I've talked about it before, but it's weird to me that the food situation is bizarre. It's a lot of saucy finger foods, which is an odd choice when the name of the game is cramming your digits in communal ball holes (careful with phrases like that if you go nude bowling, by the way; that's a quick way to get tossed out the door by your belt loops… wait).

So on top of that, we're now introducing a bunch of dudes without pants? Yeah, if I was a bowler and it was my league night the next day after Balls Out Bowling, I would have to call out sick. Just to give everything a little time to cool down.

Call me old-fashioned, but I need a good week or so before I use a communal Brunswick that some dude's wang accidentally brushed up against.

Also, for an event like this, there better be a lot of towels down. I'm talking everywhere. If there's even a chance someone might consider sitting on a surface — boom —throw down a towel. 

I don't care what it is: bench, stool, air hockey table; get a towel down.

I already knew nude bowling was not for me, but now I'm sure I'm a clothes-on bowler. Hell, I might wear more clothes the next time I go bowling. I'm talking about a three-piece suit and spats.

However, I hope all of the folks who leave their clothes at the door have a fun and safe time bowling in the buff.