Joe Mixon's Agent Absurdly Claims Children Were 'Performing Paramilitary Movements' When Fired Upon: Hookstead

Joe Mixon's agent released a first ballot hall of fame statement clearing the Bengals RB of any wrongdoing in a recent shooting.

Mixon's sister Shalonda and her boyfriend Lamonte Brewer were indicted on multiple counts after a child was shot near the NFL player's Hamilton County home while playing Nerf with friends. Brewer is the accused shooter, according to WCPO.

Mixon wasn't charged with anything, and for reasons that seem unclear, his lawyer decided to release a statement that could have been straight out of "Red Dawn."

Joe Mixon's agent released a comically dumb statement.

Joe Mixon has been facing threats due to his address becoming public, according to his agent Peter Schaffer, and a group of kids playing Nerf was apparently what sent everything over the edge. Why? Mixon's sister and her boyfriend apparently thought a well-coordinated attack was underway, and the language in the statement is comical.

Mixon's agent, with zero sense of awareness, claimed one child was "screaming instructions, and retrieved what appeared to be a long gun (at the time it appeared to be a 'Kel-Tec' rifle). The individual ran up a back driveway of the residence yelling "Fuck yeah." Yes, Mixon's agent is painting people a picture that people within his residence believed a full blown Hollywood style assault was underway like it was "Olympus has Fallen."

Not children playing Nerf, but a child "screaming instructions" as he carried a long gun.

Joe Mixon wasn't charged in connection to a shooting involving his sister and her boyfriend. The pair are accused of being involved in a shooting with a group of kids playing Nerf. (Photo by Kirk Irwin/Getty Images)

Joe Mixon's agent claims "paramilitary movements" were involved.

The statement from Mixon's agent also claims the children were engaged in "performing paramilitary movements" when fired up and states in part:

It is now understood that the young adults were playing a game which involves running around neighborhoods performing paramilitary movements with plastic guns designed to look like real weapons. This is an activity that is known to and acknowledged by both the local school district and the sheriff's department. This is clearly a serious issue, and we join with all concerned parents, youth groups, teachers and other school districts to look at this game and help find ways to encourage safe and smart participation during daylight hours. An immense tragedy was narrowly avoided in this instance. We can't allow any other young adults to be placed in this type of peril.

His agent also makes it clear Mixon never fired a weapon, which is backed up by police. That's about the only part that's not off the rails. You can read the entire statement below.

Mixon's agent would have been better off saying nothing at all.

Of all the half-baked statements to publish, this is right at the top of the list. I lost it laughing while reading "performing paramilitary movements."

In what world are kids playing Nerf "performing paramilitary movements"? Schaffer is seriously asking us to believe a group of children understand combat tactics and CQB (close quarters battle).

I think not. No chance in hell. It's just so over the top. You have to wonder if Schaffer is honestly trolling. The line about a kid continuing to "bark instructions" during the Nerf game and shooting is absurd.

At this point, just commit to it and claim you thought one of the kids was calling in close air support. Are we sure there weren't tanks in the area? How about attack helicopters?

Joe Mixon not charged in connection to shooting. (Photo by Cooper Neill/Getty Images)

You know what you say when your family members allegedly are involved with shooting a kid playing Nerf? Something like this, "I'm incredibly sorry. It was an overreaction and never should have happened."

You don't blame the kids for having fun and allege they were defending the neighborhood like Russian paratroopers were coming down.

The entire statement blames kids for *checks notes* doing what kids do: playing Nerf. It would truly be hilarious if the situation hadn't been so serious. Stop trying to convince people a group of kids were conducting a nighttime raid like it was Baghdad circa 2005. Just apologize and move on.