Is Your MLB Team's Ballpark Closer To A Liquor Store, Weed Dispensary, Or Church? This Graph Will Tell You
Telling someone where your favorite baseball team plays can be a bit tricky.
Sure, if someone asked me where my favorite team played, I’d be like, "Boston, MA." But if they followed that up by saying, "No crap, but where in the city? What’s it near?," I’d have a harder time with that one.
I know it’s only a 10-minute drive from Mike’s Pastry in the North End of the city.
(Side note: do yourself a favor and grab a cannoli or slice of cheesecake from that place at least once in your life - your taste buds will thank you. But bring cash because they don’t accept credit cards).
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But beyond that, I don’t really know of a ton of landmarks around Fenway Park. Are there good restaurants nearby? What about souvenir shops, or public transportation stations? I feel ashamed to say I couldn’t tell you.
However, the guys at the X account "Brooks_Gate" helped us out with that problem, but not in a way you’d expect.
They divided all 30 teams into categories based on whether they were closest to a liquor store, weed dispensary, or a church. The graph was created using Google, so if these searches are to be believed, these are the indisputable results.
This is honestly the most ingenious work of art I have ever seen. Now we have a perfect reference sheet of which ballparks to go to if we want to get drunk, stoned, or hear about salvation immediately after the game is done.
Some of these results make perfect sense in all honesty. Milwaukee literally named its baseball team after people that make beer, and they play in the drunkest city in America. If you’re looking for a quick buzz after a ball game, head straight for Milwaukee.
But some of them downright shock me. Let’s dive into each category to find the biggest surprise from each one.
Liquor Store - Colorado Rockies
Now look, I’m not saying I’m surprised that Denver has booze options aplenty in its city - their stadium is named Coors Field, after all. But how in the world is it still not closer to a weed dispensary?!
Surprsignly, you'd find a liguor store outside of Coors Field faster than a weed dispensary. Mandatory Credit: © MEEGAN M. REID/KITSAP SUN / USA TODAY NETWORK
Along with Washington, Colorado was the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana in 2012. Even in the less metropolitan areas of the state, you’d see a dispensary in the most random places imaginable (I would know, I’ve been there). And you’re telling me that there isn’t a dispensary closer than a liquor store?
I find that strange, to say the least. But it’s probably a good thing for Rockies fans that booze is close by, Colorado hasn’t given its fans much to cheer about this year.
Weed Dispensary - Tampa Bay Rays
I can’t say I’m all surprised that my Red Sox fell in this category. While I still need to increase my knowledge of what’s close by Fenway Park, I’ve seen enough pot shops to know that this is probably true. So I’m going to give this one to another AL East team, the Rays.
Mar 28, 2024; St. Petersburg, Florida, USA; A general view of Tropicana Field during the fifth inning on opening day between the Toronto Blue Jays and Tampa Bay Rays. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement Neitzel-USA TODAY Sports
Maybe this is me being naive, but I don’t think of Florida as a big weed state. I think of beaches, and when you go to the beach, you absolutely need to bring some sort of booze to sip on while you listen to the crashing waves. That should equal more liquor stores, right?
Well, apparently not in Tampa. But now that I think about it, Rays fans do seem pretty chill at the games…maybe it's because they’re baked after smoking a few joints?
Who knows what the real case is. I just find it a bit odd.
Church - Los Angeles Dodgers
When I think of Los Angeles, I think of Hollywood, dirty streets, nightmarish traffic, and sports teams that are great in the regular season and not so great at winning titles (at least in recent memory).
But one thing that absolutely does not come to mind is churches. That city (like most) is about as secular as you can get, and the exact opposite of Christian.
If you want to go to church after a Dodgers game, you're in luck. There are apparently plenty of them close by. (Photo by Matt McClain/The Washington Post via Getty Images)
But hey, the graph has spoken, and declared that once you leave Dodger Stadium, you’re likely to find a church faster than a liquor store or a weed dispensary.
Who’d a thunk?
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Did any of these results surprise you? Got any leads on where fans could find one of these places close by? Let me know: john.simmons@outkick.com.