Horrifying NASCAR Crash Brings Up Bad Earnhardt Memories, Topless Talladega Girls & Angry Kyle Busch Seethes

Now, THAT's what I call an automobile race. Was it the best Talladega race in the world? No. 

Can we please, for the love of God, stop making restrictor plate races fuel mileage races? That nonsense has to end. 

But, all in all, I'll take it. NASCAR will, too. 

Finish under green? Check. 

Big wreck at the end? Check. 

Nobody died? Check!

Boobs? Check aaaaaaand check!!

Wait, what? Well, I mean, it was ‘Dega, folks – what did y’all expect to come out of the weekend? Good, clean, family fun, or a mega-viral video of some of the most topless chicks I've ever seen?

Make NASCAR great again, baby! 

We'll dive into that today, obviously. Not sure we can show all of it, but we're gonna give it the 'ol college try. 

What else? 

Erik Jones had one of the nastier hits I've seen at the end of yesterday's auto race and had to double-check himself into the hospital, which is never great. 

Michael Jordan gave NASCAR some pretty damn good PR, Corey LaJoie crossed the finish line on his side, PEAK Talladega Man checked in last Saturday and McCall Gaulding went cowgirl in Texas.

Whew. What a menu. What a lineup!

Four tires, an ice-pack for Erik Jones, and maybe some Lysol for literally the entire inside of Talladega Superspeedway … Monday Morning Pit-Stop – the ‘Topless Talladega Nights’ edition – is LIVE!

This Erik Jones hit had this negative NASCAR fan queasy 

I couldn't have been the only one, right? I mean, when I saw that above wreck in real-time yesterday, the first thing I thought about was Dale Earnhardt. 

Not because I thought Erik was actually in trouble – these cars ain't built like the one Earnhardt died in – but because it's just not the way you wanna hit at these places. 

I believe Kevin Harvick even said it on the FOX (great company!) broadcast. You'd rather flip a billion times and land on your face than get turned nose-first into the wall going 190. 

Jones apparently told the medical folks on scene that his back was hurt. Certainly believable. Mine hurts if I bend down to take a dump in the wrong way. Can't imagine what it would feel like after this. 

He also spoke to the media after the wreck, which was a good sign, but then went BACK to the infield care center after the race. He was then transported to a local medical center for evaluation, and he was eventually released just before midnight. 

Corey LaJoie and Michael McDowell had an equally enjoyable final lap!

See what I mean? Similar. I believe Ryan Blaney had one like it last year at Daytona, too. 

Did y'all feel that same pit in your guts, too? Let me know! Zach.Dean@OutKick.com. 

People watching these restrictor plate races – yep, it's the SECOND time today I've called it that and I won't stop – always see the big wrecks with the flips and the fire and the chaos, and assume those are the ones that'll kill drivers. 

Nope. It's those two above. Those are the ones you don't wanna see. Those are the ones you watch from the media center – or your back deck with your 8th Busch Light of the day – and say "OK, let's see that window net come down."

Luckily, it did. Hell, all of them do nowadays, which makes this Monday Morning column way easier to write. Never like to see stuff like that. 

This stuff, though? Kid's play!

Is the Tyler Reddick-Michael Jordan height difference the biggest in NASCAR history?

What a badass way to finish a race. I'd get that bad boy framed and put on my wall so quick heads would spin. 

Also, I don't think we have any pissed off Michael McDowell fans today – mainly because they don't exist – but if you are one of the few, don't be. Brad Keselowski didn't do anything wrong, and neither did MACDowell. 

You generally don't wanna be leading these things on the final lap. I know you sort of need to be in case the caution comes out, but when it doesn't, you're a sitting duck. Brad set McDowell up perfectly, crossed him over, McDowell rightfully didn't lift because it's the last lap at Talladega, and he predictably paid for it. 

That's restrictor plate racin', boys and girls. Hey – that's No. 3!

Speaking of three (feet tall), how about Tyler Reddick?! He was sitting third when Brad and Mikey took each other out, and that's EXACTLY where you wanna be on the final lap coming to the checkers. 

Tiny Ty, who stands at 5-2, pounced for the win, and Michael Jordan, who stands at 6-6, was finally in attendance for a 23XI victory. 

I don't have any stats to back this up, but I feel pretty comfortable saying you won't find a bigger height disparity, not only in NASCAR, but in the history of sports. How about THAT for a bold statement!

Good looks for NASCAR, though. Any time you can trot Michael Jordan onto your network and show him off, you do it. That's Marketing 101. 

Talladega Man, Talladega Ladies & Angry Kyle Busch 

There he goes! Tiny Ty, up the fence! Look at him go. 

A good race at Talladega, the week after Chase Elliott finally wins again, with Michael Jordan winning? Yeah, I'd say the NASCAR TV ratings will be just fine for this week. Just a guess. 

OK, let's get to the reason y'all came here in the first place … the Talladega scenery!

Biscuits and gravy, lunch, and steak & taters at night. 

Insane. Love this cat, obviously. Can't get enough of him. Feel a little sad/concerned for his belly button, but other than that, what a specimen. 

And you know what? Kyle Busch IS a douche!

There we go! That's the pissed off Rowdy I've been waiting for this season. He's been pretty non-competitive through the first 10 or so races, and I have a feeling we're about to reach a boiling point. Can't wait. 

Finally …

Look, nighttime in the Talladega infield is the Wild Wild West. It's Burning Man. It's Woodstock, but for rednecks. The darker it gets, the weirder it gets. I've heard stories that I wouldn't share here in a million years. I'd feel gross even writing it out. 

Now, if you've never been, you have to go once. NASCAR fan or not, it doesn't matter. Truly, it doesn't matter. Talladega Blvd., the Pit, North Park campground – it's all just insane up there.  You'll enter a boy, and walk away a man. 

A pretty messed up man who may need some therapy down the road, but a man nonetheless. 

Anyway, one brave soul documented his experience, and it went mega-viral on Elon's Twitter. I'm talking over 13 million retweets and 10 millions views. Insanely viral. 

There are A LOT of boobs. Just a ton. You'll have to click HERE if you want that one. 

Sorry, can't do it. I'd like to, but this is a family show (sort of), and I have to draw a line somewhere. 

In case you missed that first hint … just click HERE and I promise, the technology will bring you exactly where you wanna go. 

For those who just want to take my word for it, I get that, too. Here are a couple other somewhat PG-13 (still, NSFW, for the love of GOD headphones in) videos from 'Dega After Dark:

NASCAR WAG McCall Gaulding takes us into Dover

Grabbing a handful of crawfish out of a cooler that was just being violated is the most NASCAR thing I've ever seen. What a scene. I can't even begin to fathom the diseases that left that racetrack late yesterday. 

And for those who watched those other videos, have you bought your ‘Dega tickets for the fall yet? Better hurry up, because they’ll go fast! You're welcome. 

OK, that's it for today. Let's end with a WAG who kept her clothes on last weekend because she has class. 

Take us to Dover, McCall!