Here Are 3 Things That We Can All Agree Are Absolute Nightmares About Going To Costco

It’s Tuesday, which means that it’s time for another edition of the column people are calling "cheaper than therapy," The Gripe Report.

I hope you had a great Easter weekend, I know I did. I had some family over to Casa de Reigle (the townhouse my fiancée and I rent), threw a ham on the smoker, hit it with a little cherry bourbon glaze, and then rode out the ensuing food coma watching Formula 1, playoff hockey, and WrestleMania.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com

Now that’s a holiday.

But, of course, that all came after a ton of planning and preparation, which often means a trip to Costco — or as I call it "the middle-class country club" — for some supplies.

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Now, I love a nice Costco run capped off with a dirt-cheap hot dog and a Pepsi Zero Sugar, but it’s not without its hassles.

That’s why I was delighted to see a message fall through the digital mail slot and into my inbox on this very subject.

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Kris wrote in with a hat-trick of Costco complaints, and so this week he’s going to be my griping co-pilot.

It’s a lot of responsibility, because it means he has to take over if I have a heart attack, eat some bad fish, or get locked in the shitter, but I think he can handle it.

So, without further ado, let’s grab an oversized cart and a palette of seltzer so we can get this griping show on the road, on this very special Earth Day (even though it has nothing to do with Earth Day) edition of The Gripe Report.

Nope, this photo wasn't taken in the late '70s; it was 2023. (Angus Mordant/Bloomberg via Getty Images)

The Gas Lines

The first item on Kris’ list is something I’m sure everyone has a take on, and that would be the lines for gas at the warehouse superstore:

Let’s start with the gas stations. Every time I go to Costco, it looks like "the Jimmy Carter days"…GAS LINES forever…that spill out into the streets and the main entrance into the parking lot. Pathetic. Get gas like the rest of us.

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I cracked up at "Jimmy Carter days." I never considered sitting in line for gas at Costco being a budget-friendly, "1970s Fantasy Camp" (which sounds like something our own Ricky Cobb should start), but at least on the gasoline front, it is.

And he’s right, especially if you try to gas'er up on a weekend, you’re going to end up needing another gallon of gas just to make up for all the idling you did while sitting in line.

I typically do my Costco running on weekday mornings before work, and I still encounter these lines for gas. That always makes me wonder, "Was this a good call?"

I usually look at which car needs gas the most, and I take that to Costco, which is about 25 minutes away. So, it's a 50-minute round trip for marginally cheaper gas, plus I end up coming home with a case of trail mix, a tub of pimento cheese, and a 40-pound sack of dog food that my French bulldog Carl will probably end up puking on one of our rugs.

It can be a free-for-all in the Costco parking lot. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Parking Spot Hunters

Once the car has been gassed up, Kris has another Costco gripe before we’ve even entered the store:

Jerks driving around for the closest parking space, then putting on their blinker…usually NEVER giving enough space for the person to back out….then, you always have another jerk, trying to "move in" on the FIRST idiot's parking space. It’s a "race to the bottom"…inconsiderate, worthless human beings.

No, THESE ARE NOT HANDICAP FOLKS…!!!! Just lazy a$$holes!!!!

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This is not a Costco-only phenomenon, but I think I’m with Kris that it is especially bad there.

People circle the parking lot like vultures circling a corpse, waiting to see if they can maybe still find a spot marginally closer than one that’s open 25 yards farther away from the store.

I get that no one wants to carry a case of Capri Sun any farther across a hot parking lot than you have to, but you’re not being asked to mule it across sub-Saharan Africa. You just need to go an extra few parking spots.

To this point, I can’t stand the people who park and hold up the line of cars trying to navigate the parking lot because they see one poor sap loading groceries into his car.

I feel like this puts the aforementioned sap on the clock. He’s just trying to load a couple of 40-gallon drums of peanut butter into his car, and now he feels pressure because some impatient soccer mom can’t be bothered to hoof it any farther than she has to on her run to get packs of Teddy Grahams and boxes of Hi-C for Aiden’s karate class (her son is 100 percent named Aiden; it’s just the truth).

I feel like it should be luck of the draw. Think of it like musical chairs, you’re not allowed to just stand over a chair until someone pulls the needle off of "Pop Goes The Weasel." You keep walking, and you let the bounces come to you.

This should be the rule, and I think violators should have their Gold Star shredded right there in the parking lot by someone wearing a red vest.

The first taste is free… but so is the second… and third… and fourth… (Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images)

People Who Go To Costco To Kick It

Alright, we’re finally in the store. Time to get the stuff we need and get back to our day.

What’s that? Nope… turns out you’re going to be at the mercy of folks who treat Costco like it’s some kind of amusement park with free samples.

Last, horrible people that will stop in the middle of the aisle…like THE MALL DURING CHRISTMAS.., then you realize, there is a soup kitchen line for "free finger foods"…like this is the GREAT DEPRESSION!!! Who the HELL goes to Costco to just "kick it?!?!" (The Bundys would do this on hot days at the grocery store, lawn chairs and all!! That makes sense to me)

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Look, I love free stuff as much as the next guy. If some old lady offers me a sliver of bunt to a fraction of a cookie in a Dixie cup, who am I to not take it?

But, yes, the people who go to Costco just to graze their way around the store get in the way. The rest of us are just trying to buy food to fill our freezers and maybe snag a pack of toilet paper big enough to use as a mummy costume for the next four to six Halloweens.

Costco can be a free-for-all, so the last thing we need is people posting up and getting in the way.

Now, the one exception to this is, of course, the one designated post-up spot, which is the tables by the snack bar. Feel free to do as you wish there, but clogging the aisles for a little paper cup sample of a new kind of potato chip should be a no-no.

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That's it for this week. Damn, I could go for a cheap hot dog…

Be sure to send in any gripes you may have for future editions of The Gripe Report: matthew.reigle@outkick.com