The Gripe Report: Special 4th Of July Fireworks And Food Edition

Look at this! A special holiday weekend edition of The Gripe Report!

I hope your Independence Day was a good one, but in all honesty, when isn’t it good? As far as holidays go, the Fourth of July is as American as they come and that's wonderful.

Have a gripe? We all know you do! Send it in: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

Sure, I may be a bit biased, but I think we’ve got the real top dog when it comes to national holidays that fall in July. Canada Day seems nice, but it comes in too early. I’m still in June mode on July 1.

Bastille Day is badass because it has guillotines and a bunch of people breaking folks out of a prison (I forget which one), but the French Revolution was in part inspired by the American Revolution, ergo, it’s ripping us off.

The Fourth of July is the OG.

But as much as I love this country and the Fourth of July, there are still things that elicited over the holiday. 

Let's run through them real quick so you can get back to manning the grill or floating in the pool on this glorious long weekend…

Fireworks are fine, but they're all kind of the same. (Getty Images)

Fireworks

I didn't seek out fireworks this year, but that's okay because just as I suspected, they came to me.

The area around my apartment sounded like a warzone with dueling displays, many of which I'm sure were lit using a cigarette.

As much as I love the Fourth of July, I'm so over fireworks. I get that it's tradition, but as far as entertainment value is concerned they're dull. They're one of the few things that are less interesting if everything goes according to plan as opposed to things going sideways.

"I successfully lit a firework," is not an interesting story. But a story that begins with, "Want to hear about the time I blew off my finger with an M-80?" 

Well, now you've got my attention. 

And ground-display fireworks? Save your money, unless paying to be wildly let down and leave a burn mark on your driveway sounds enticing to you.

I can smell this picture. Smells like freedom… and bratwursts.(Getty Images).

Brats Are Criminally Underrated

Hot dogs and hamburgers are the dynamic duo gracing most grills across the nation on the Fourth of July, and they deserve it. They're like a great wrestling tag team, you can't think of one without the other.

However, I think a lot of us are overlooking the brat, which might even be the best grilling option on the fourth.

Sure, the bratwurst isn't truly American (although I'd counter that by asking where the hell do you think hamburgers and frankfurters came from?), but I feel like including them in your grilling lineup shows you mean business.

Plus, is there any act of food preparation more enchanting than letting some brats simmer away in a nice steamy beer bath? I don't think there is.

That alone should make them a staple on everyone's Fourth of July menu. 

As much as I love a brat and think it needs to crack the defacto starting lineup, there's no need to replace the hot dog or hamburger. There's room for everyone. Sort of like how Guns N' Roses used to have five members and now there are like 39.

And speaking of hot dogs.

Hot dog with ketchup isolated on white background

Ketchup On Hot Dogs Debate

I'm not a ketchup-on-hot dogs guy, nor do I condone it. 

But here's the thing: I think it's time we stop shaming ketchup-on-hot dogs people for b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶r̶o̶n̶g̶ exercising their right to dress their dog however they'd like.

I mean, we're celebrating freedom. This may be a radical position, but I believe in a diner's right to choose their condiments.

Their dog, their choice.

I get why Chicagoans throw a fit about this. They do their dogs with pickles, peppers relish, a spare tire, tomatoes, lawn trimmings, and so much other stuff that there's no reason ketchup needs to get in on the mix.

But, if you wanted to, you should give that glizzy a shot of ketchup without feeling like a pariah.

…I mean, you are one, but you shouldn't feel that way.

…

We'll get back to regularly scheduled griping next week, but in the meantime, have yourself a great rest of the long, holiday weekend. 

Not too good though. Be sure to send in those gripes: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com