French Pole-Vaulter's Penis Costs Him Olympic Gold
Look, there's no delicate way to put this. I'm sorry. I know we're supposed to keep it (somewhat) PG-ish around here, but science is science. And we all have eyes.
So, here you go: Anthony Ammirati, a pole vaulter from France, missed out on advancing in this morning's Olympic games because his penis was too big. There, I said it. I can't take it back.
And for those of you yelling at me for being dramatic, or click-baity, or hyperbolic (what a word!), that's literally what happened. Anthony's package got caught on the pole on the way down, which not only looked terribly painful, but also kept him from advancing.
Size does, evidently, matter:
Anthony Ammirati misses out on gold, but it's gonna be just fine
I mean, it's just an awful beat. Losing out on a gold medal because your giant penis gets caught on the bar has to be one of the worst ways to lose of all time. How do you even explain that one at home?
But also, this could catapult Anthony here into absolute stardom. You see the Instagram numbers. They're taking off like a rocket ship. Society has always been infatuated with the idea of large penises – for whatever reason – but to see one in action, and on the biggest stage, is an entirely new era for us.
Serious question: would you rather win a gold medal, OR lose because your penis is too big, but now everyone knows it? Did Anthony really lose after all?
He's gonna have companies BANGING on his door after this. The underwear companies will come calling. The porn sites will surely come knocking. If Anthony chooses this route, he could make a million on OnlyFans before nightfall. He'd be able to retire before closing ceremonies.
"The Olympic Games are over. I'm going to pack my bags before going home," the 21-year-old said, via the Daily Mail.
Sack up, Anthony. You're gonna be just fine, I promise. Admittedly, I'm not speaking from experience, but I have a feeling you will be.
When one door closes, another one opens. Can't wait to see what's next.