Disgraced Olympian Blames Positive Doping Test On Contaminated Strawberry Dessert

Russian figure skaters were recently stripped of their gold medals (although they were never actually given them) from the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing after star skater Kamila Valieva tested positive for a banned substance.

That set off an almost two-year legal battle to determine the rightful champs, as many argued (correctly) that Valieva should not have been permitted to compete.

So, this was worked out recently with the United States being promoted to gold.

However, there was still the matter of what to do with Valieva whose positive doping test came when she was only 15 years old.

Valieva and her representation had to plead their case for why she shouldn't face a ban in front of The Court of Arbitration for Sport in Paris. That's the highest court in the world for sporting matters.

On Wednesday the Court released its decision that Valieva will be banned from international competition for four years.

Now, I'm no legal scholar, but when you hear what her legal team tried to argue, it becomes clear that they were throwing the courtroom equivalent of a Hail Mary.

The banned substance that Valieva tested positive for was a heart medication. So, they needed to explain why a healthy 15-year-old would take something like this.

I don't know if they explored any other explanations, but the one they came up with involved some kind of strawberry dessert.

Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva is still dealing with the fallout from her controversial appearance at the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing. (George Walker IV-USA TODAY Sports)

Valieva's Team Went With What Will Henceforth Be Known As The ‘Strawberry Dessert Defense’

According to ESPN, the Court of Arbitration for Sport's ruling discusses why they didn't buy Valieva and Co.'s explanation which was that her grandfather got some of his heart medicine in her strawberry dessert (they didn't specify what kind of dessert, which is why it probably failed spectacularly). They alleged that there was residue on a cutting board that made its way into the dessert.

I know that sounds like a goof on the old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials — "Hey, you got your trimetazidine in my strawberries!" — but that's really what they argued.

In fact, the word "strawberry" appears dozens of times… in a document about doping in figure skating.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when they concocted this argument:

"Kamila, do you have a living grandfather by any chance?

"Mhm; he lives in Sochi."

"Great. Now, how do you feel about strawberry desserts?

"I mean, I like them. I prefer chocolate."

"But you do like them though; strawberries?"

"Yeah, I guess they're fine. Why does it matter what kind of desserts I like."

"Excuse me, are you the lawyer here or am I? It matters a lot."

"Fine, I like them."

"Perfect. So, here's the plan…"

End scene.

There was no chance that was ever going to work, but in a way, you've got to respect that kind of moon-shooting litigation.