Death Threats Fly At Darlington, NASCAR Champ Threatens Retaliation & Adult Content Racer Gets Bikini Sponsor
Now THAT was a throwback NASCAR race, boys and girls. The paint schemes were cool and all, but everything else was also retro, and that got me GOING.
The winner? Brad Keselowski! Guy hasn't won since the Obama administration! (Not quite, but you get my point).
The racing? Fun! Slippery. Daring. Tires were getting torn to shreds all over the place. Darlington stripes through the ass. That's a good automobile race.
The drivers? Oh yeah, they were throwing tantrums left and right!
We had death threats – thanks, Angry Ryan Blaney! – during the race, and the biggest mismatch in the history of fights on pit road after the race. I mean, just an insane mismatch.
Not even the oddsmakers would've made this one bettable. That a word? No clue, but it is this morning.
Hey, Tyler Reddick – where the hell are your nuts? Or your guts? I mean, dude, can we act like we have an ounce of pride for one second? Is that possible? Good God. I've got news for you, pal – you ain't worthy of that mustache.
Certain NASCAR drivers can pull that off. You are not one of them.
Whew! What a way to start the Middle Monday of May! I'm fired up, so let's dive in. Sound good?
Four tires, a diaper for Tiny Ty, and a Miller Lite for Brad Keselowski … Monday Morning Pit-Stop, the – ‘I’m Going To Murder You Two!' edition – is LIVE!
Tyler Reddick vs. Chris Buescher, who ya got?
No wasting time today – we're gonna start with the calf in the room and go from there. That's a tiny elephant, for those who couldn't piece that joke together. You're welcome.
Who ya got? Chris Buescher, who Google tells me is 5-11, or Tyler Reddick, who my eyes tell me is 5-2 (!!!):
Let's start with the wreck … I'm gonna level with you folks, I don't think Tyler did much wrong here. Seriously.
He was racing for the lead at Darlington with 10 to go, went for it, slid up the track, and put Chris in the wall. Should Buescher have been thrilled? No, obviously not. Should Reddick have sent it in there with that many laps to go?
Eh. Debatable, but this ain't Daytona, you can't just wait forever and assume you're still gonna get a chance. When you gotta go, you gotta GO.
But did it warrant that sort of response after the race from Pissy Chrissy? I mean, come on. No. That's clearly carryover from last week, which is fine, but let's not act like Tyler Reddick pulled off the most asinine move ever at Darlington. He didn't.
Now, as for Tyler …
Dude, you HAVE to be more of a man than that. I know it was a size mismatch, and you would have gotten your ass kicked had fists actually flown, but still.
I mean, your kids are gonna watch this replay one day, and they're gonna see you BEG Chris Buescher for forgiveness like an unruly child begs his dad not to smack him into next week after he talks back to his momma.
"I know! I f--ked up! I'm sorry."
COME ON. Tyler was honoring Tim Richmond with his throwback scheme this week. Hence, the mustache.
How do you think Tim would've responded to this?
Ryan Blaney wanted to murder everyone yesterday
Yes, I know Tim got his ass beat by David Pearson after the 1984 Firecracker, but that video doesn't exist/I can't find it, so this is what you get. Sorry. I know.
If you have it, or remember that race, or think I'm being too hard on Tiny Ty, let me know! Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.
OK, let's go ahead and leave Tyler to himself for a bit and give him some time to think about what he's done. NASCAR timeout for you!
Next time, just act like you didn't do anything wrong, and it's the other guy who's being an idiot.
THAT's the NASCAR way. Hell, it's the American way. Be a Patriot!
Or, you know, be defending champ Ryan Blaney and vow to murder everyone in the field. Either-or:
These throwback NASCAR paint schemes were just the best
Hilarious. I love Ryan Blaney. Obviously, we all love Hooters Gianna. What a tandem.
He gets so angry, which is funny because he's arguably the most laid back driver in the garage. But, I reckon, those are the folks you need to keep an extra eye on, right?
Let's just be honest – the skinny white dude is ALWAYS the serial killer. It's never the huge dude. It's almost never the black dude, either. If the Scream series taught us anything, it's that the unsuspecting white dudes are the ones to lock in on.
Remember old buddy Nick Sanchez from last fall?
See? Can't wait for Rhino to get to THAT level some day. Head on a swivel, Willy B!
OK, before we get to the shenanigans from the weekend, I have to give a few paint schemes from yesterday the love they deserve.
For starters – Kyle Larson won the weekend. Wasn't even close. It was a bloodbath, frankly. This Terry Labonte Kellogg's scheme was not only my favorite from Darlington, but maybe my favorite of all time.
AND Kyle brought Terry along – in a FIRESUIT! – to really get his point across? My God. Legend.
NASCAR bikini racer, AI Dale Earnhardt, and fast food war
I mean, another winning weekend for NASCAR – well, at least for the drivers who participated in throwback weekend. For those who didn't … why? I genuinely need to know.
Like, why didn't Blaney run a throwback scheme? Or Martin Truex (although, let's be honest, that's not surprising)? Joey Logano didn't, Kyle Busch didn't, and Denny Hamlin … didn't!
Is it sponsor-related? Lack of creativity? Did y'all just … forget? What gives?
Bubba Wallace didn't even do it! The guy just stuck with his usual Black & Red McDonald's look and had himself a Big Mac whilst driving down pit road. Insane.
Speaking of Bubba …
That's funny. McDonald's vs. Wendy's? Who ya got??
I think the food is better overall at Dave's place, but the double quarter-pounder with cheese from McDonald's is elite. The McD's breakfast is also superior.
Remember when the McGriddle came out like 20 years ago and they were all the rage? What a time.
We used to be such a great country. Thanks, Joe!
Next? The woke Snapchat AI is an idiot:
Dale was such a badass. Won the race despite being dead. Loved that dude.
Raise hell, Praise Dale!
Finally … Xfinity driver/adult content creator Natalie Decker got some big news this past week!
Drunk Brad Keselowski fan takes us into North Wilkesboro
Congrats, Nat! Can't wait to head to the Walmart today. I probably won't get shave gel for my bikini, but I may get me some Busch Light for the rest of the week. Best deal in town!
OK, that's about it for today. Big weekend in front of us. Hard to believe, but it's ALL-STAR weekend. Wow. We've somehow already reached the All-Star race. Insane.
Let's end the day with Brad Keselowski, who won yesterday for the first time since 2021 (!!!). Been too long, dude. Need more of THIS energy for the rest of the summer now that you're off the shnide.
See you next week.