Danica Patrick's MAGA Dress Has America Buzzing, Bubba Wallace Booed & Dale Jr.'s Electric F-Bomb Radio Rant
My God. That HAD to be one of the worst NASCAR races of all time, right? I mean, what are we doing here?
Look, I know I usually start these weekly water-cooler meet n' greets with some long, thoughtful, creative opening monologue. And I know you guys really love that, so I'm sorry for what I'm about to say …
Whatever the hell that was Saturday night at Bristol doesn't deserve a long monologue. Frankly, it doesn't deserve what I've given it so far, which is about three inches (of copy, animals!).
But, the bills ain't paying for themselves, so here I am, forced to write about an awful, awwwwwwwwwwful, NASCAR race.
Which is why we're making a call to the bullpen on this fourth Monday of September and asking – no, begging! – Danica Patrick to throw on her best Donald Trump dress and save us. She's trying to Make America Great Again, but we need her to Make NASCAR Great Again, too.
Save us, Danica! Vroom vroom.
What else? I've also got Bubba Wallace getting booed into next week, Kyle Busch is now the sport's most popular driver – which is WILD – another camera angle of last week's curb-stomping with racer Matt Tifft and I reckon we'll check in with a WAG or three.
Don't know for sure yet, but I've got a feeling we will. Just a hunch!
Oh yeah! I've also got a pissy Dale Earnhardt Jr. on today's menu. What a treat!
Four tires, some fuel (even though it doesn't matter because nobody's catching Kyle Larson), and a cup of coffee to keep me awake during that Saturday night snoozer … Monday Morning Pit-Stop – the ‘I Will Never Forgive NASCAR For This One’ edition – is LIVE!
Nice going, idiots
Well, I hope everyone back at the shop is happy. All you NASCAR big-wigs – scratch that, woke NASCAR big-wigs – happy with what you've done to the sport?
See that video clip above there? That's it. There are the highlights from Saturday night.
Hey, let's introduce a new ‘Next-Gen’ car, and instead of giving teams more freedom to make changes, we're going to essentially just give everyone a spec car that makes passing impossible and renders short tracks useless, and it'll most likely make the racing boring as shit but whatever, BLM!
OK, they probably didn't say that last part, but you never know.
This new car stinks. It's ruined Bristol. It's ruining most short tracks. Goodyear gave us an equally bad tire Saturday night, and that certainly didn't help. So, this ain't all on NASCAR.
But, it's mostly on NASCAR.
First, you moved Bristol from its usual late-summer spot – which annoyed me right off the bat. Idiots. Then, you made what was usually one of the best, most exciting races on the calendar for decades, one of the worst races in the history of time. Idiots, again!
Kyle Larson led all but 50 laps Saturday night … of a 500 (!!!) LAP RACE. You couldn't pass. The tires STUNK. There was no fall-off whatsoever, which meant once you pitted for some fresh Goodyears, you were pretty much set for an hour. Maybe two.
No drama, no late-race caution, no bump-n-run … nothing. Nada. Zip. Just Kyle Larson winning by a billion seconds over Chase Elliott, and a bunch of angry NASCAR fans … and angry wives!
Nice.
Danica Patrick was the only bright spot Saturday night
Hey! Look at Samantha Busch poking the bear. Love it. Good for her. That race stunk, this new car is ass, and it's time to blow it all up and try again.
That's the kind of attitude I want after a disaster like that. I want anger, and I want answers. We've got the anger.
Time for NASCAR to start giving us some answers, because I will be damned if I watch the Bristol summer race die a death like this.
Not on my watch, you animals.
Did you despise Bristol as much as I did? Lemme know! Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.
You know what the wokes back at NASCAR HQ should do? Take a page straight out of Danica Patrick's handbook and do something about it. Danica may have never been the best stock car racer – that's putting it somewhat mildly – but what she lacked on the track, she is more than making up for in politics.
While NASCAR was being unwatchable Saturday night, Danica was busy helping Donald J. Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Make America Great (Healthy) Again while also turning on all the country in a red dress for the ages.
Take notes:
Dale Jr. slings beers like it's 1999 all over again
That's how you take this country back, baby! Get louder! That's what made Danica Patrick and a Kennedy bleed red – a Kennedy! – and that might be what it takes to save NASCAR.
Do I have any clue what that means? Hell no. None! Zero. Zilch. But, if it means more NASCAR fans bitching and moaning about shitty racing and shitty TV stations, I'm all in.
Speaking of …
Another win for NASCAR! Wow, y'all really were on a roll this weekend. First you ruin Bristol, then you put Dale Earnhardt Jr. on something called The CW? How in the hell is my grandma supposed to find the CW, NASCAR?
She's waited all year to watch Dale run one freaking race, and you put it … on the CW? The same channel that shows Supernatural and Smallville 18 times a day? That one.?
Great. Thanks again!
For those who couldn't find Dale on Friday, he finished seventh after dealing with major radio issues for the first half of the race, and also lost his glasses in his helmet – which he ultimately had to completely replace.
That's a true story, by the way. He literally lost his glasses and still finished in the top-10. Legend.
Anyway, after the race – which may have been his last, although it sounded like he's coming back for more down the road – he stuck around for about three hours to pound enough Budweisers to knock out a Clydesdale.
This man gets it:
Bubba booed, Kyle cheered, and another camera angle
Incredible and I mean incredible content from Dale Jr. right there. THAT's the NASCAR we all grew up with, boys and girls. That's what we need to get back to.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. dropping F-bombs like he has a quota to meet, solving problems from the cockpit of his Chevy, finishing seventh, and then crushing beers on pit-road until the cows come home.
This used to be such a great sport. Such a great country. Sad.
OK, couple quickies (my specialty!) on the way out. Folks, let's all welcome Bubba Wallace to Bristol!
Embrace the hate! Don't whine about it, Bubba. Don't wither away and sulk in your car and be dramatic. Embrace it. That's what I like to see.
And you never know … they may not hate you forever. It seems bad now, but it used to seem bad for Kyle Busch, too.
Now, they LOVE him:
What a time to be alive. Danica Patrick's running for office, Dale Jr.'s dropping F-bombs in a NASCAR race at 50, and Kyle Busch – Kyle Busch!! – is getting a standing ovation at Bristol. Wild.
Finally, on the way out, I'd be remiss if I didn't drop in a quick follow-up to last week's MMPS, where the main topic of discussion was former NASCAR driver Matt Tifft getting his face getting the piss kicked out of it:
Yikes. Not great! That ain't the America Danica Patrick wants, folks. Be better.
Anyway, we had some new, in-car video surface late last week that shows Matty Tifft throwing the first punch. Duh. No shit, morons. He obviously threw a punch. He went over there because he was pissed at the guy for wrecking him.
Doesn't mean he should also get curb-stomped in the noggin while getting dragged away by three team members. A simple punch back would've probably done the trick.
Anyway, here it is. Look for yourselves.
See y'all at Kansas this Sunday. Let's have a better showing, huh? Please.