Bubba Wallace Acts Like A Child And Gets Spanked, NASCAR Fans Furious & 'Hot Mommy' Driver Hits The Lake

Another NASCAR road race ends with everyone pissed!

All NASCAR drivers, crew chiefs, pit members and spotters have been accounted for. I repeat – all NASCAR personnel who dared enter the crime-riddled, liberal hellhole that is downtown Chicago this past weekend HAVE been accounted for!

Relax. It's a joke! Not really, but sort of. OK, not sort of. Not at all. I'm just glad they're all OK. You always hold your breath every time NASCAR ventures into the Belly of the (Dem) Beast, and Chicago ain't exactly Talladega. 

But they made it, and they're stronger for it. Phew. 

Shane Van Gisbergen won again, and ruined yet another road course for everyone else. And for those of you shouting about him not belonging in the playoffs (a fair point), there are road courses on the schedule in each of the first two rounds. 

So, he could – and probably will – advance to at least the Round of 8. Great!

Anyway, back to Chicago …

While SVG was embarrassing everyone else, Alex Bowman and Bubba Wallace were beating the PISS out of each other about 10 seconds back. And buddy, it ended exactly how you'd expect. 

I've also got NASCAR not throwing a caution on the second-to-last lap, even though Cody Ware went blazing into a mess of tires at what looked to be 1 billion MPH. Nice call, guys!

We'll check in with Natalie Decker after a big Fourth of July weekend on the lake, and end the day by allowing Danica to show off her new ass-tattoo to celebrate our freedom. 

Sound good? Good!

Four tires, a splash of that Sunoco racin' fuel, and a bullet-proof vest for Chicago … Monday Morning Pit-Stop – the ‘SVG Embarrassed Everyone Again, So Let’s Talk About Literally Anything Else' edition – is LIVE!

Bubba Wallace vs. Alex Bowman, who ya got?

Look, I'm not trying to be nasty towards SVG today. I promise. I like the guy. But let's also be honest – he sort of ruins road courses. Right? I mean … right? 

He's a ringer who happens to be in a full-time ride, but the ONLY time you ever hear his name is when we're on a road course. 

And he's great. Obviously. But, that doesn't mean it's great for the series. And quit with the Michael Jordan comparisons. God, that annoys me. 

MJ was great everywhere, all the time. SVG is great six times a year. Come on. 

Anyway, all that to say … we're going to focus elsewhere today, and we'll start with the biggest story from Chicago … Bubba and Alex beating the absolute shit out of each other!

Rolllllllll tape:

How about the nuts on NASCAR here?

Couple things …

1. The in-season tournament has been such a bust, it's almost unbelievable. THAT's how bad it's been. 

Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit. Seriously. You can hear it in Alex's voice – he's basically mocking it. The drivers do not care. Most of them have NO idea it's even going on. The fans certainly don't care. Good try, good effort, but this thing STINKS. Move on. 

Quick break! Thoughts on the in-season tourney? Or Bubba being a child? Lemme know! Zach.Dean@OutKick.com. 

2. I'm not sure we know Bubba's side of it – I believe he ran off before anyone could talk to him – so I'm gonna have to side with Alex here by default. Both guys were banging (hey now!), but Bubba seemed a tad aggressive – especially given the fact that he was on older tires. 

You're not going to win that battle. Why keep dooring him at every turn? Is he really still pissed from last summer's Chicago race? Seriously? He can't be that petty, right? Right?!

Well, actually … scratch that:

I always forget about that, but Bubba does something dumb enough every single year to remind me, and it's always hilarious to watch. What a dick move! Maybe he just legit hates Alex Bowman? Weird dude in the garage to hate, but to each his own, I reckon. 

Anyway, let's get back on track here … by going OFF track with Cody Ware, who nearly died yesterday. This little malfunction wasn't enough to warrant a caution, though:

More wrecks, more girls, and more patriotism!

First off … what a wreck! You don't see that often in NASCAR, and you really don't see it on a road course. You wanna talk about just the absolute worst part of the track to blow a rotor? I'm pretty sure Cody found it. 

Insane footage. Even more insane was NASCAR just waiting a full 34 seconds to throw a caution. Amazing. And you wanna know how I know NASCAR fans weren't thrilled about it? 

I got about four emails within MINUTES of it. 

From John in Lexington:

F--king garbage ending. Why do we waste our time on this bullshit? NASCAR management has ruined a sport I have watched for 50 years. 

Thanks, John! I agree with you here. No argument from me on this one. Piss poor move. 

Let's also check in with Bob W, who offered this very unbiased take:

FOXSports cannot come soon enough. TNT could learn much from FOX.

Stage 1: finished my first 6-pack.

Stage 2: starting on my 2nd 6-pack.

Thanks, Bob! Sure, that's got nothing to do with the wreck, but Bob still gets into this party for obvious reasons. 

We love Fox around here! And so does my paycheck!

OK, couple quickies as we head from Chicago to California. God, what a RISKY part of the schedule. 

(Sonoma is actually great, that one was actually a joke)

First up? Alex, Bubba and Cody weren't the only ones wrecking the hell out of each other yesterday. Hell, the whole field pretty much did at one point!

What a pileup! That's why the whole Chicago street race is just a little silly to me. It's just so narrow. I don't know, it's just not for me. I guess the F1 crowd loves it, which probably explains a ton. 

Relax. It's a JOKE! F1 is the greatest thing ever. Blah, blah, blah. I get it. Save your whining. 

PS: Carson Hocevar is the man. Piss off, Austin. 

Next? Let's go ahead and end the day with Ryan Blaney, his new baby, Natale Decker, and Danica Patrick. 

What a rollercoaster!

Another Blaney Boy is on the way! First Dave, then Ryan, now this little hot-rod is coming soon. Gonna miss the summer #content from Hooters Gianna, but I know she'll be back stronger than ever. 

Take Natalie Decker, for example!

If Natalie is already enjoying a ‘Hot Mommy Summer,’ I know Gianna will be back sooner rather than later. Good to see Nat back on the lake. That's one Fourth of July tradition we LOVE celebrating around here. 

Well, that and Danica Patrick being patriotic as hell. Love that one, too. 

Take us home – and into Sonoma – Danica!

Written by
Zach grew up in Florida, lives in Florida, and will never leave Florida ... for obvious reasons. He's a reigning fantasy football league champion, knows everything there is to know about NASCAR, and once passed out (briefly!) during a lap around Daytona. He swears they were going 200 mph even though they clearly were not.