NFL Power Rankings: The 'Paige Spiranac Of Teams' Week 1 Edition

Everyone move aside -- the King is back. And so are NFL Power Rankings!

Yes, they're a staple across all media platforms in the fall. You guys LOVE rankings, even though they don't mean anything. I'm the same way.

What does ESPN think of my team? How about CBS? Fox? NFL.com? For whatever reason, we let some loser in a dark room (that's me!) determine how good or bad our teams are. And there's no real science behind it beyond just process of elimination.

Here's 1. Here's 2. Here's 3. Blah Blah Blah. Everyone does it because -- like Paige Spiranac and Olivia Dunne -- it drives the clicks.

We love clicks. We need them to breathe. To put food on the table. To keep the folks in marketing happy. Naturally, I was sitting in my dark office today writing about the next Olivia Dunne or Paige Spiranac -- of course -- when it hit me: we need to do NFL power rankings.

Duh. How could we not?

And then it hit me again -- I should raise my hand and do them. Hell, I have Nightcaps on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and my award-winning NASCAR column on Mondays, too. Wednesdays are free, and I need to do something else to justify my existence.

So, I decided, 'What the hell? What could go wrong?'

I'm going to do them my way, though. You want the run-of-the-mill stuff, go to ESPN at your own risk. I wouldn't, but whatever. Your call.

I'm gonna come up with some ridiculous tier/grading system every week for the next four months and try to make sense of all 32 NFL teams the way I want to. That means beer, boobs, and football. I think Clay once said something like that on CNN? Dunno.

Anyway, it's Week 1 and I'm now too far in to back out, so let's get to it. Obviously we're gonna start off with the Hot Influencer edition and go from there.

Tier 1: The Paige Spiranac Tier

These are the teams who I think can absolutely win a Super Bowl this year. Like Paige Spiranac, they're at the top of the mountain right now. Frankly, it's the easiest part of any power rankings list.

Yes, the Jags are in there. Have you seen their schedule? Have you seen the piece of crap division they play in? They can sleepwalk to hosting a playoff game, if not multiple of them.

Plus, you know, Marissa Lawrence:

Honestly, I don't know how confident I am in Big C*ck Brock Purdy, but I do know Kyle Shanahan pretty much has a standing reservation in the NFC title game at this point, so the 49ers make the cut.

I think the Bills may not be as good, but they're still on top until Miami or the Jets knock them down. The Chiefs and Eagles are pretty self-explanatory at this point. The NFC stinks. Eagles and 49ers will cruise.

Tier 2: The Olivia Dunne Tier

These are obviously the up-and-comers in the NFL world. Like Livvy, they have a ton of hype, but they still have much to prove. Going from the top of the college mountain to the adult one is a huge leap. You wanna sit at the grown-ups table with Paige Spiranac for Thanksgiving? Act like one.

Honestly, the Dolphins are probably too high here, but it's my show and we're pro-Tua around here. This may be his only healthy game of the year coming up, so let me have this one, OK?

You wanna move up a tier in next week's power rankings? Maybe don't look like ass against the Chargers again this weekend.

The Jets could either be 13-4 or 4-13. I have no idea. Aaron Rodgers is super weird, but he's also anti-vax and makes the liberal media want to explode, so it's tough to totally root against him.

Can you name a Ravens receiver beyond Mark Andrews? Don't give me "Zay Flowers" either.

The Chargers will be better but Keenan Allen and Mike Williams will both be hurt by Week 3. Talk about an easy bet.

The Lions are the trendy pick this year, but also Jared Goff. Do like me some Christen Harper, though. Giddy-up.

Tier 3: The Danica Patrick Tier

Absolute wild cards here, just like Danica Patrick. Have you seen her latest on Instagram from her Burning Man trip? I wrote about it here, but she basically took a machete to a pair of overalls and let it rip in the desert.

You have no idea what you're gonna get from Danica day in and day out, and that's how I feel about these teams. Did you know the Saints play FOUR GAMES outside a dome all season long, and none of them are during a cold-weather time of year?

In fact, they're pretty much inside from Week 6 on, and the only outdoor game is in Tampa on Dec. 31. Seems like a good spot for Derek Carr to do some damage.

PS: the Steelers hype is unreal right now. Why? Tua and Kenny Pickett both suffered two concussions last season and one is being pumped up by every talking head on the planet while the other is basically on his deathbed. Weird.

You know where this is going, right?

Tier 4: The Breckie Hill Tier

It's all downhill from here on the inaugural power rankings list, and nothing exemplifies that more than Olivia Dunne wannabe, Breckie Hill.

She's the worst. Truly, truly the worst. No original content. No real effort put in at all. She's literally made a name for herself because the internet thought at one point she looked like Olivia Dunne, and she's been unbearable ever since.

No creativity? No direction? No real reason to tune in other than to see a possible trainwreck? Sounds like the Browns, doesn't it? What are they? Deshaun Watson's a captain? Yeah, OK! Whatever you say.

The Falcons were maybe the most boring team in football last year and somehow made Kyle Pitts a loser. Great work. They also drafted a running back in the first round. Solid.

The Broncos will probably be better with Sean Payton, but will Russell Wilson be able to concentrate without his own private office anymore? Doubtful.

The Titans seem like a team about ready to plunge off a cliff in spectacular fashion. That shtick has run its course. Start Will Levis, you cowards. It's Gia Duddy time. Vroom vroom.

Tier 5: The Dylan Mulvaney Tier

Just nothing positive to say about these teams, except the Buffaloes. Nice job by them last week. We comin!

The Patriots are still rolling with Mac Jones. There isn't a Pats fan on the planet who's excited about that. Not one.

Baker Baker The Touchdown Maker will be benched by Week 4.

Anthony Richardson went 6 of 17 in his last preseason game and will be handing off to someone named Evan Hull.

Jimmy G.

Cooper Kupp is one misstep away from a leg amputation, apparently.

And the Cardinals not only have maybe the worst starting QB situation in the history of pro football, but they're also coached by this guy:

Dylan Mulvaney tanked Bud Light and the Cardinals are tanking the 2023 season in epic fashion. Fire in your gut? Huh?

What the hell does that mean? Commanders by 50 Sunday.

There you have it. Week 1 NFL Power Rankings. Go ahead and bitch and moan all you want. Just click. It's what Paige Spiranac would want.

We'll roll these out every week with a different theme. Suggestions? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.

Welcome back, NFL.