NFL Power Rankings: 49ers Are A Wagon, Patriots Need A Seinfeld Reboot
The Patriots stink, the Lions are good, and Brock Purdy is currently your MVP frontrunner. Don't you DARE tell me the NFL ain't scripted. I don't buy it for one second, not after all the shenanigans we've seen the first few weeks.
I didn't even mention the Dolphins, who are off to their best start in two decades, or CJ Stroud -- the quarterback the Packers thought they were getting in Jordan Love.
He stinks, huh? Seriously. I think that kid's terrible. Not 100% sure yet, but yiiiiiiiiiikes.
Anyway, back to the scripted stuff ...
Don't know if you've heard, but there are rumors going 'round that Seinfeld could be next in line for a reboot. Now, I'm not gonna be on of those people who pump out the click-baity "X show is coming back even though nobody asked for it" stories.
I hate those. If The Office or Seinfeld wants to come back, then go for it. Have you watched TV lately? It STINKS. Comedy is pretty much donezo at this point. Unless it's in the Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad or Yellowstone families, most dramas also stink.
Anyway, all that to say Seinfeld apparently may be coming back 20 years after they all weirdly ended up in jail, and it reminds me of a better time in TV. The late-1990s era of sitcoms was absolute PEAK TV comedy.
Friends, Seinfeld, King of Queens -- what a battle we had there for a few years. Maybe mix in some Everybody Loves Raymond and Family Matters and buddy, that was living.
It's Week 6 of the NFL season. Let's throw it back to the sitcoms of the 1990s and rank the hell out of these ballclubs.
It's the '1990s TV Sitcoms Edition' of our NFL Power Rankings!
Tier 1: The Friends tier
There's forever been this weird unspoken war between fans of Friends and fans of Seinfeld, because those were the shows for about a decade right around the same time. You have to love one while also hating the other. No in between.
I'm a Friends guy. Always have been. Always will be. The duo of Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox during both their primes was the ultimate dealbreaker for me. Also, I know people love the whole a show about nothing schtick with Seinfeld, but I like an ounce of storyline in my shows -- comedy or not.
Also, there was nothing more jarring than seeing what Chandler Bing -- AKA Matthew Perry -- looked like every season. You never knew which Matt you were gonna get, and it was such a wild card leading up to the premiere.
I've re-watched all 10 seasons more times than I can count -- it's on TBS 147 times a week -- and I gotta tell ya -- it holds up. Funny from start to finish, including the first season, which is always hit or miss with any show. I'm pretty sure Seinfeld's pilot was so bad they had to redo it.
The 49ers are an absolute wagon of the NFL. Frankly, they should get their own tier but I don't have the time this week to really flush this out, so I copped out. The Bengals at home in two weeks and then the Jags on the road two weeks after that are the only potential hiccups I see for a while.
The Eagles and Chiefs are both just sort of prodding along. Not sure either team really cares yet at this point in the year.
The Lions and Dolphins are both fun as hell. Poor Carolina faced the Lions last week and Miami this week. Both on the road. Welcome to the league, Bryce!
Tier 2: The King of Queens tier
Bet you didn't see that coming, did you?! KOQ over Seinfeld?? How could I?
Simple: it's a funnier show. There, I solved it for you. Kevin James is funnier than Jerry Seinfeld. Pre-Season 7 Leah Remini was funnier than Elaine. Jerry Stiller was in both, and Arthur was funnier than Frank Costanza.
Side note: I once talked to Jerry Stiller on a beach in Nantucket for about 10 minutes after he got done swimming laps like an animal. Awesome guy. Absolute legend. RIP.
Anyway, picking King of Queens over Seinfeld is a shock for many, which is what happened with these four NFL teams last weekend.
Nobody likes sideline outbursts more than Stefon Diggs. He's either bitching and moaning or getting waaaaaaaaaayyyy to hyped after a touchdown. No in between. Hey, Stefon, settle down for me one time.
I do think the Bills beat the Jags on a regular week, though. Sorry, but the whole London thing still feels a little one-sided to me.
Classic Cowboys loss to the 49ers. Anyone who didn't see that one coming hasn't been paying attention. I bet the house on it and guess what, I just paid off my 30-year mortgage in less than two months.
The Steelers getting points, at home, against the Ravens, coming off an embarrassing loss under Mike Tomlin? Again, you should've seen that one coming from a mile away. Mike Tomlin still scares the bejesus out of me to this day.
Tier 3: The Seinfeld tier
See, I don't actually hate Seinfeld! It's here. It's solid. Tier 3 is respectable as hell. Here's the issue -- when I'm scrolling through the colored TV after work looking to wind down from a day of writing about Olivia Dunne wannabees, I'm choosing Friends or KOQ 10 times out of 10 over Seinfeld.
If those two aren't on (or The Office, but that's for another day), I'll gladly watch Kramer barge through Jerry's door for a few minutes. No problem. Just not my first choice.
That's what the above few NFL teams are for me. Good ones that I'll get in a foxhole with, but I ain't taking them over the first nine I mentioned. Not yet, at least.
Bengals make a huge leap this week because I think Joey Burrow is pretty close to healthy again and it's starting to show. Like the Eagles and Chiefs, they also don't really check into a season until around November.
Rams actually stay put after a loss because I think they're a decent team who could make some noise in a pretty meh conference.
Orianthi!!! Welcome to the show!
Tier 4: The Family Matters tier
Be honest -- you forgot about Family Matters, didn't you? You haven't though about Carl Winslow in years beyond seeing him in a random commercial every once in a while.
And what the hell happened to Jaleel White? Steve Urkel was literally everywhere in the late 1990s, and then, just like that, he was gone. Poof. Vanished. Never heard from again except a couple random Psych episodes.
Still, it was a great show. Got a little weird towards the end when Urkel built a weird time machine thing and transformed into Stefon every few episodes, but whatever. Nobody bats a thousand.
You forgot about the Saints and Steelers and Falcons after bad losses last week, but here they are, right back in the win column and back into our hearts. Frankly, any team that beats the Patriots 34-0 at home gets an immediate boost. What a pleasure it's been to watch that downfall.
I said it a few weeks ago and I'll say it again now -- the Colts might make some sneaky noise this year if Gardner Minshew was the full-time starter. I get why he's not, but he's better than Anthony Richardson. I don't think anyone is disputing that at this point.
Welcome back, Amy! We haven't seen you since Week 2. What a comeback.
Tier 5: The Saved By The Bell: The College Years tier
Huge tier of NFL teams here, but that's how much I despised the College Years. It was just so weird.
You had them all start out at the beach for some reason with young Leah Remini (hey, that's TWO LR references today!) making out with Zach Morris, and then in the middle of the season BOB GOLIC somehow became a regular.
Slater and Zack also got into a weird fight for a few eps, Kelly wants to bang a professor about 15 episodes in, and then it got canceled right before Zack and Kelly could get married.
In fact, it got canceled so abruptly -- because it was so bad -- that they had to make a movie just to close out the series and tie up the crappy loose ends.
Nice work!
The Vikings are donezo, especially after losing Justin Jefferson. The Titans are maybe the most boring NFL team not named the Giants.
If I ever, and I mean EVER have to sit through Jimmy G vs. Jordan Love again on primetime I will walk away from this sport entirely. Hand to God.
Cardinals are scrappy but stink.
Patriots are not scrappy and really stink.
Sean Payton has far lost to his predecessor who he called a terrible coach, the franchise's former ball boy, Jimmy G AND given up 70 points. What a start!
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.