Topless Danica Patrick Waves White Flag For SI, NASCAR First Lady On The Beach & Denny Hamlin Gets Butchered

Welcome to a brand new week, where most of the country is gathering by the water cooler to talk playoff football and I'm over here thinking about all the Daytona 500 commercials that ran over the weekend. OK, that's not completely true -- but it is almost NASCAR season, boys and girls.

Plan accordingly.

The shortest offseason in all of sport is just about over. How close are we to actual racing? Well, this time next week we'll be talking about the Busch Clash out in disgusting California because it'll be RACE WEEK.

Our first one of 2024, and first one since before Thanksgiving. So much has happened since then I don't even know where to begin.

For starters, Danica Patrick went topless on the beach for a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot.

Just kidding! That actually happened back in 2009, but we're going to revisit it today because Sports Illustrated fired everyone last week and it's as good a time as any to look back on Danica's NASCAR shoot.

What else should we dive into today? Well, Samantha Busch was actually at the beach in 2024 and she looked an awful lot like Danica, except she was in a one-piece. Different approach, same effectiveness. You'll see.

Oh yeah! Jimmie Johnson finally get inducted into the HOF over the weekend and the stars showed up for the big night, and we're also going to check in with the First Lady of Motorsports. How's that for a tease?

OK, enough talk. More action.

Four tires, some Sunoco racing fuel and maybe a towel for Danica Patrick (just kidding!) ... Monday Morning Pit-Stop -- the 'Offseason Off-Ramp' edition -- is LIVE!

Perhaps Sports Illustrated should have stuck to shoots like this Danica Patrick one

... instead, they put a trans woman on the cover and, two years later, canned their entire staff.

Weird how that happens.

For those who missed it, SI said bye-bye to just about everyone late last week in a move that tugged at the heart strings of any great American. Not because of what Sports Illustrated was today -- which was garbage -- but because of what it used to be.

Before these awful iPhones, I used to spend hours on the toilet flipping through Sports Illustrated. And not even for the swimsuit photos! I'm talking just the regular magazine -- the one with Rick Reilly on the back before he went batshit insane. The good stuff.

But, like everything else in the world, it went beyond woke a few years ago with stuff like this and it's been downhill ever since:

Morons. I don't get it, but I also stopped trying to understand stuff like this a long time ago. I'd imagine you have, too, which is why you're here on a FOX site trying to look up sexy Danica Patrick pictures.

Good choice! Make NASCAR great again:

Might as well stay on the beach with current NASCAR WAG Samantha Busch

“I loved it completely. I wish I was a swimsuit model because it was really fun.” That was an actual quote from Danica Patrick years after that initial shoot. I forgot about that until just today.

My advice?

Go get 'em, Danica! No time like the present. Fewer Instagram posts about how great RFK Jr. is, and more swimsuit content.

Save Sports Illustrated!

Here -- be more like Samantha Busch, a Monday Morning Pit-Stop veteran and elite NASCAR wife:

Welcome to the NASCAR Hall of Fame, Jimmie Johnson!

Thanks for the update, Sam! I had roof rats back at my old-old house in Daytona Beach Shores, and it was the worst. Just heard them scurrying above us all the time. Disgusting. I reckon that's what you get when you live in a beach cottage from the 1930s. All part of the experience.

Glad Sam and Kyle got it figured out. Also thankful for St. Barths, for obvious reasons.

Moving on ...

Jimmie Johnson is officially a NASCAR Hall of Famer, which is pretty cool because he's also still a part-time racer. Hell, he's gonna be in Daytona here in a few weeks trying to qualify for the Daytona 500.

How many leagues out there today can say they have a Hall of Famer playing ball this weekend? Not many.

Anyway, here's my favorite Jimmie Johnson moment, followed by some actual moments from over the weekend:

More scenes from the NASCAR hall (sort of)

That last story is actually pretty funny. Had no idea. Good stuff, Jimbo!

Also, let's not forget about Donnie Allison's induction, either. About time. Goodness. What the hell were we waiting for?

Frankly, he should've been put in the second this happened:

Incredible. Let's get back to that this season, NASCAR. Need it. More topless Danica Patrick on SI and more brawls in the infield. There, I just fixed a lot of what's wrong with this country. It's not hard.

Look, Donnie had the the right idea years ago:

DAYTONA BEACH, FL - JULY 4, 1970: Firecracker winner Donnie Allison has to the left car owner Banjo Matthews and Miss Hurst Golden Shifter Linda Vaughn. (Photo by ISC Archives/CQ-Roll Call Group via Getty Images)

Linda Vaughn! Bet you weren't expecting a Linda Vaughn reference today. I guarantee you're not getting it anywhere else on the internet, either. No shot.

That's why we're award-winning around here. Linda, for those who don't know, is now 80. She's known around the racing world as the First Lady of Motorsports, which pretty much began when she was named Miss Queen of Speed at Atlanta International Raceway at 18.

She's also the original Miss Hurst Golden Shifter, as noted in the above caption. She bested 200 contestants back in the OG competition. Can't imagine why:

NASCAR gets it right and Denny Hamlin's new look

What a damn sport this used to be. Goodness.

OK, let's hit Turn 4 and take the white flag on this second-to-last Monday of January ...

First up? Kudos to NASCAR for reversing a really dumb idea in the first place:

I mean, who in the hell thought it was a good idea to not open the Coliseum to fans the Saturday before the race? Huh? Truly baffling.

The backlash, as you could imagine, was pretty intense, so Ben Kennedy and the fellas in marketing decided to put that awful idea in reverse and open the stadium next Saturday.

I'm sure Gavin Newsom is excited! Big NASCAR guy, I reckon. Seems like it.

Next up? Let's check in with Denny Hamlin, who is recovering from offseason shoulder surgery and apparently goes to a blind barber:

Take us home, Tara Allmendinger

My God. Incredible. Jarring. Puzzling. Looks like something I used to rock back in the mid-2000s when my parents just said screw it and buzzed me every few months because it wasn't worth the trip to the barbershop with three kids.

Wild. Glad all the Denny haters are unblocked, though!

OK, enough for today. Let's go ahead and wave the checkered flag. This time next week, we'll be waving it on the offseason, too.

Can't wait.

Take us home, Larry Mac (and Tara!).