Tony Stewart Replaces Wife So He Can Sleep With Her, NASCAR Girls Hit The Lake, Gianna's Hooters Calendar & Bubba's Slippery Slope
It's a Monday in the middle of December and I've been up since 6 a.m. trying to find NASCAR content for you all.
I dare you to name me another writer in this great country doing that today. Don't waste your time looking, because he/she/(they?)/(them?) don't exist. I exist -- albeit with a headache from yesterday's round of golf -- and I'm working my tail off for you today.
You ever tried to write about NASCAR in December? Ain't easy. The banquet's over. The season's been over for over a month. Everyone is just kinda off doing their own thing in every corner of the country.
For instance, you've got Monster girls trading in their suits for ... well, suits ... on the lake. Just a different type of suit, I reckon.
You've also got Hooters celebrating the final month of Hooters Gianna's reign as the calendar cover girl, which is sad but also how life works. Only so many months in a year and all things must come to an end.
Elsewhere, I found Austin and Whitney Dillion spending the weekend in San Francisco with Christian McCaffrey, Bubba and Amanda Wallace snowboarding in Canada, and guess who's back in the news?
Tony Stewart! It's like seeing smoke from the Vatican. What a time to be alive.
See? NASCAR in December? Not a problem. Coming right up.
Four tires, enough fuel to get me to tonight's Dolphins-Titans game, and maybe a towel for the Monster girls ... Monday Morning Pit-Stop -- the 'I Think I've Found The Bottom Of The Barrel' offseason edition -- is LIVE!
Welcome back, Tony Stewart!
A lot of places to start today -- the lake, the Hooters calendar, the slopes with Bubba -- but we're gonna take the green flag with NASCAR HOFer Tony Stewart.
'Smoke' retired years ago, but he's obviously been around in some capacity because NASCAR drivers can't just walk away completely (unless your Carl Edwards, of course). For the most part, though, Tony's spent his golden years atop a pit-box for one of his Stewart-Haas cars.
Now, our man is climbing back in one! Not in NASCAR, though. I know, sad.
Austin Dillon spends Sunday being a NASCAR Instagram husband
"I'm behind her 100%." I see what you did there, Tony. I got it, and I laughed.
Wild times when you replace your wife in the seat so you can bang her off the track and start a family. If that ain't the American auto racing dream, I don't know what is.
Good luck to Tony Stewart and Leah Pruett! Go get 'em, Tony!
Now, let's head out west and check in with Austin and Whitney Dillion!
Chase Elliott, Ryan Blaney get new eyes and a new look
Obviously Whitney Dillon and Mariel Swan are excellent for the NASCAR #content world, and this weekly column in particular. You won't get one complaint out of me.
That being said, could you imagine being professional NASCAR driver Austin Dillon and having to walk through an actual airport and film that? I just can't think of something more embarrassing.
I get it -- work in the streets for fun in the sheets -- but still, being an Instagram husband during the offseason just seems miserable.
Not a bad little hookup with the Christian McCaffrey clan, though! Nothing like flying out west to see the big Brock Purdy vs. Drew Lock showdown. What a day.
Now, before we move on to more extracurriculars, we have a couple housekeeping items to tend to. There was some actual news this week, you know.
Both Ryan Blaney AND Chase Elliott will have new spotters in 2024, which I reckon is sort of a big deal. Not earth-shattering, but I've seen these relationships go sideways in a hurry, so it'll be somewhat interesting to see how the beginning of the season goes.
Although Chase hasn't won a race in over a year, so I'm not sure it could get much worse.
But hey, at least he'll look cool again while running in ninth!
Bubba and Amanda Wallace hit the slopes, Monster girls trade in NASCAR suits for better ones
I'm a fan of Chase going back to the all-blue look he had back when he was in the No. 24 car. Better look. Frankly, though, he can race whatever the hell color scheme he wants as long as he, you know, wins a couple races again.
I'd imagine NASCAR (and the fellas in the Nielsen department) would like that as well.
Now, let's check in on two very different ways to vacation during the offseason. First up? Bubba and Amanda Wallace for some reason going to CANADA to do some snowboarding. Why you'd ever voluntarily go to Canada I have no idea.
That's door No. 1.
Door No. 2 features the Monster Energy girls hitting the water for some R&R.
Which vacation is better? You make the call (it's the second one):
Hooters Gianna takes us into the week
Yeah, definitely the second one. Nothing against hitting the slopes, by the way. I love skiing. Grew up doing it every Christmas out in Deer Valley (can't hide money).
But if you have limited time to use your vacation days -- and the NASCAR offseason is the shortest in all of sports -- I can't imagine going somewhere cold. No thanks.
Big fan of the lake, bigger fan of Monster girls on the lake. Easy call.
Biggest fan, however, of Hooters Gianna Tulio. Take us home, queen.
And take us home, Larry Mac -- you dog!