The Worst Movie Trailer Ever, Ranch Chugging, And A Cool Trick Or Great Way To Choke On A Ping-Pong Ball?
Hey, hey! Happy Thursday to you! Welcome to the penultimate edition of Nightcaps for the first week of September!
Is there a better Thursday on the calendar than this one? The first day of the NFL season. I don't think there is, and that's coming from a hardcore Thanksgiving guy.
Drink it in, because this week will be the last time some of you are optimistic about your favorite NFL team until next September.
I believe this is my last day deputizing for our pal, the great Zach Dean, and it has been an absolute blast. Thanks to all of you for coming along and sending in your favorite drummers and bass players (which we will get to a little bit later).
As always, feel free to send a message (gripes are always appreciated) to me: mattreigleoutkick.com
Worst Movie Trailer Of All Time?
I woke up this morning to a strange question from my girlfriend: "Have you seen the trailer for the Minecraft movie?"
I hadn't so I watched it, and now I wish I could go back to the blissful time in my life before I had seen it because it is quite possibly the worst movie trailer I've ever seen in my entire life.
If you're unfamiliar with Minecraft, go find the nearest kid and ask them, they'll explain it to you… actually, on second thought, don't do that; I'll explain it.
Essentially, a Scandinavian dude said, "Hey, wouldn't it be fun if there was a game with low-resolution graphics where you dig holes all day for hours on end?" Most people would think that sounds like a terrible idea, but it turns out it became one of the most popular video games ever.
So, with a bunch of successful video game adaptations like Fallout, The Last of Us, and The Super Mario Bros. Movie in recent years, why not give Minecraft the same treatment?
Well, they're giving it the old college try, and the early returns are… well, they're no bueno.
I dabbled in Minecraft in my youth, but have no plans to see this movie even if it didn't look like a radioactive cat turd.
Still, it made me irrationally angry.
When you have an intellectual property with an instantly recognizable look to it — i.e. Minecraft's signature low-res blockiness — why would you completely change it for no reason?
I'd argue that a movie that keeps the aesthetic of the game and uses it to its advantage in some kind of way, would be really entertaining.
Nope, get a diverse group of actors — only of whom you've ever heard of — and plop them in front of a green screen. There's your movie.
What bugs me is I know this will make a bazillion dollars, so I guess the joke is on me, but what a horrific way to start my Thursday.
Egad, man…
Chug Ranch Dressing, Horrify Wife, Win Free Wings, Repeat
Jeez, after that Minecraft trailer, I need a real palette cleanser. So, how about a couple cups of of ranch dressing down the ol' food chute?
I've got a somewhat controversial take on ranch dressing. It's all well and good, but when it comes to hot wings, once you turn 12 it's time to move that graduation tassel and start going with the blue cheese dressing like a grown-up.
But some people are big-time ranch friends, and that includes Zach Orvis, the pride of Belding, Michigan, who gulped down 24 ounces of the creamy, white stuff to win himself free wings (but only on Wednesdays until spring, which is lame).
Orvis told WZZM that his wife finds this talent of his "absolutely disgusting" (although I bet she won't be saying that when she's eating free wings every Wednesday until this spring) and I have to agree.
Chugging anything more viscous than a Coors Light is a no from me, dawg.
It also took me a second to wrap my head around how much 24 fl oz. is, but that's one full, regulation-sized bottle of Hidden Valley. If someone said to me, "Matt —you look handsome as hell by the way; love the new haircut — go ahead and chug this Dixie cup of Hidden Valley," I don't think I could do it without getting sick.
But that's only because I'm a mere mortal, not some kind of ranch guzzling demigod like the man, the myth, the legend Zach Orvis.
Hey, Anybody Want To See A Ping-Pong Ball Trick (Don't Worry, It's The One You're Thinking Of)
While we're on the topic of bizarre skills, here's a good one.
American David Rush is now the record holder for bouncing a table tennis ball against a wall the most times in 30 seconds, doing it an unbelievable 47 times.
Man, it'd be a real shame if someone with Adobe After Effects skills had some fun with that video, wouldn't it?
That's a cool trick and I'd be fascinated to learn how one discovers they have and then hone that very specialized skill.
I know if I tried that I'd probably get like three and then I'd inhale the fourth one and someone would have to give me the Heimlich until it pops out of my mouth like I'm a pitching machine.
This is one of those Guinness World Records where I wouldn't be shocked to learn that there was no previous record because I'm not sure how one even thinks to do this.
But who cares, because David Rush thought of it and he's the best in the world.
Say it with me: USA! USA! USA!…
Poor One Out For The Big Boy…
Remember that early episode of The Simpsons where Bart steals the head off of the Jebediah Springfield statue (Season 1, episode 8, "The Telltale Head," but we don't need to get too into the weeds… it was written by Al Jean, Mike Reiss, Sam Simon, and Matt Groening)?
Well, that's all I could think of when I saw this brave Bob's Big Boy statue losing its dome thanks to a driver who crashed into a nearby fire hydrant in Downey, California.
RIP Bob's Big Boy Big Boy statue of Downey, California. We hardly knew ye…
I know Big Boy is more of a California thing, but I feel like they've pretty much all disappeared from the rest of the nation. I have fond memories of the one in Central Pennsylvania when I was a kid.
I never ate there, but I remember driving past in the back seat of my dad's Sturn and thinking the statue's suspenders were cool.
Maybe they decided having a fat kid as the mascot for your fast-food chain wasn't the greatest idea. You don't want your mascot to embody the result of overusing your product.
It'd be like if they put Joe Camel in an iron lung.
Bass Players
Alright, we looked at drummers last time, so today we'll wrap things up with a look at some of the best four-string plucks and slappers the world has ever known.
On Wednesday, I gave you my list of favorite bass players, which went a little something like this;
- Steve Harris - Iron Maiden
- Les Claypool - Primus
- Geddy Lee - Rush
- Cliff Burton - Metallica
- Geezer Butler- Black Sabbath
So, let's see who you guys picked…
Chris From Surf City (i.e. Huntington Beach, CA):
First off, I'm a huge fan of your columns. Love your writing style and sense of humor - keep it going.
However, you can't have a top-5 list of rock bassists without including Mike Watt. Look him up....he's a musicians musician and one of the best bassists of my generation (Gen X).
Thanks for all your work!
…
From Kyle in Huntington Beach (lots of bass player takes coming out of Huntington Beach):
Your bass player list is solid but sadly, woefully incomplete. Here's a few you missed from a long-time low-end practitioner:
John Entwhistle: The greatest rock bassist ever doesn't get enough love, probably because of Keith Moon and Pete Townshend's antics. Watch this.
Jaco Pastorius: The greatest electric bass player ever, comparable to Hendrix. Your favorite bassist's favorite bassist. Watch this.
John Paul Jones: Led Zeppelin's secret weapon. Listen to this.
James Jamerson: Defined the electric bass for a generation, maybe everyone. Listen to this.
Paul Rudd: Just kidding – screw that guy! "Slappa the bass" set us back 20 years. Jerk.
Love your work and love Outkick. Thanks!
…
From KP In The Region:
As a former bass player myself, I copy the list I sent to my nephew (also a bass player).
Carl Radle: Derek and the Dominos, Eric Clapton's band
Jack Bruce
My favorite Southern rockers, Berry Oakley (Allman Brothers) and Tommy Caldwell (Marshall Tucker). Honorable mention: Paul Goddard (Atlanta Rhythm Section), whose solo on "Another Man's Woman" was considered in the top five all time by Rolling Stone.
The studio giants: Carol Kaye and James Jamerson
And the kings: Stanley Clarke and Jaco Pastorius.
…
From LSW:
Bass players: Duck Dunn (Booker T and more), Enstwhistle ( the Who), and Bruce Foxton (The Jam, Sticky little fingers).
I am a bass player. Nothing better than playing with a good drummer you can "lock the pocket" with.
…
Some great choices all around, and always interested in learning about some new music or digging deeper into artists I was aware of already if only a little bit.
Believe you me, I will be digging into some of Jaco Pastorius' work thanks to these lists.
…
That's it for me! Be sure to check back tomorrow for the next edition of Nightcaps, and hey, maybe take a gander at what we're complaining about in tomorrow's highly-anticipated installment of The Gripe Report or even send a complaint to mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com if you feel so inclined.
Word on the street is some idiot (*raises hand*) has a really good rant about packs of hot dogs and buns never sharing the same quantity.