World's Hottest Handicapper Dons Training Camp Lingerie, NFL Player Deletes Peeing Video & A Threesome Pickle
Pssst … did y'all know there's an NFL game a week from today? True story. I told you yesterday that the Hall of Fame game was two weeks away. I was wrong.
Somehow, it's next week. Just like that. We're back. Now, does anyone actually care or watch? Nope. I couldn't even tell you who's playing, and I don't much care to look it up. But, that's beside the point.
Can I gamble on it? Hell yes. Would that be smart? Nope. Will I? Absolutely. You wanna know how desperate I am to gamble right now? I just now put in a four-player MLB parlay for all four guys to have exactly zero RBIs today.
Two guys on the Marlins. Two more on the Nats. Both teams play this afternoon. We'll see. I just needed something. I can't sit there and watch my Hard Rock app rot away for all these weeks.
On that note, welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we hammer some overs with Amanda Vance, the World's Hottest Handicapper, and wait for them to hit. Let's roll.
What else? I've got Redskins running back (yep) Brian Robinson Jr. deleting a solid peeing post, LPGA heartthrob Charley Hull working in a lift, Joe Biden growing eight inches during his (fake) COVID lockdown and an absolute HEATER off the mound last night in our nation's capital.
Oh yeah! I've also got major threesome drama. Shocking.
Grab a refreshment for National Refreshment Day – which seems like maybe the most broad day of all time – and settle in for a Thursday 'Cap!
Amanda Vance is ready for football season
Look, I'd do a Mount Rushmore of Refreshments, but we don't have all day and I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I will say, you'd be hard-pressed to find a more enjoyable drink than a Big Gulp from 7/11 on a hot summer day. You remember when Big Gulps first came out and were all the rage? People were obsessed with them. And somehow, they just kept getting bigger and bigger. Just like America! The bigger the Big Gulps got, the fatter we got.
What a time to be alive. God, I miss those days.
PS: whenever I think about Big Gulps, this scene from Dumb & Dumber pops into my head like clockwork:
One of the more underrated quotes from that movie. Nobody talks about it, but it's lowkey hilarious. PPS: did you know that scene was improvised by Jim Carrey and those guys weren't even in the movie?
Genius. I assume he's insufferably woke like the rest of our childhood heroes (hello, Mark Hamill!), but Jim Carrey was a mega-star in the 1990s.
What a weird, windy road we've taken to start today's class! Didn't see it coming, but I'm glad we took it.
Get us back on track, Amanda:
Speaking of NFL camps …
Amanda Vance, the World's Hottest Handicapper, has spoken. Russ it is. Gooooooooooooooooood luck to all of our Steelers fans out there. He's insufferable. You'll be ready to move on by Week 3.
Hell, maybe even sooner:
Nice! Great start.
But, we do respect Amanda around here. She's on a heater right now, and it ain't even really betting season yet. Can't wait to see what she has up her sleeve in a month or so. Let's GET it.
In the meantime, let's check in on the first day of training camp. We had Travis Kelce getting pissy in KC, and Brian Robinson Jr. pissing through someone's hand in Washington.
What a way to start the new season!
"Joe Biden" grew and a solid day of content from the diamond
You see what cancel culture does? It forces us to delete harmless videos of pissing through someone's heart-shaped hands. We used to be a free country. Now the pee-pee police are out there monitoring the streets for #content like this.
Look, I have no clue what that video was. None. Zero. Is that a thing? Pissing through a woman's hands? Color me shocked. Had no idea. Now, I will almost guarantee you I know what happened, because it's happened to me before …
Twitter is the Wild Wild West nowadays, which I love. Elon has made it so much better. It's the best. BUT, it's also … the Wild Wild West. You have no idea what you're gonna get when you open that app.
I've opened it a million times over the past few months and just had naked chicks pop up out of nowhere. Once in church. True story.
It's basically a porn site at this point, with a couple sports/political topics mixed in.
So, did Brian just retweet that video or like it or whatever the hell you do on Twitter nowadays without realizing it, and then absolutely PANIC once he did realize it? Possibly. Again, I've accidentally liked videos before just because I was scrolling too fast. It happens. Doesn't mean you won't get canceled, but at least it gives you a solid out. And that's all we can ask for in this life.
OK, quick rapid-fire before we get a lift in with Charley and get on outta here. First up? Joe Biden grew eight inches over the past week, which is impressive given he's a billion:
If that doesn't have you ready to run through a brick wall, I don't know what to tell you. You clearly don't have a pulse. What an inspiration. It rivals some of the great hype guys, including Tim Tebow and Ray Lewis. Can't believe the democrats felt the need to shove this guy out of office!
Next? You ever had to tell your son to stop bringing home his threesome partners? If so, we need your advice!
My 25-year-old son lives with his two girlfriends, who are also romantically involved with each other. They share a single bedroom. One of them has a baby due this week, and the other has made noises about wanting a child.
I don’t approve of this arrangement and can’t see it ending well. I love my son and I have a good relationship with all three of them, but it flies in the face of my upbringing and beliefs.
My question: How do I deal with this threesome if they come stay at my house? I don’t want this going on under my roof, but I don’t know how to assign bedrooms.
What a pickle. On one hand, you have a good relationship with your son, and the two women he's banging, who are also banging each other. You don't want to lose that over your pesky beliefs. Plus, there's a baby on the way, so you don't want to stress the mom out. That's a big no-no.
But on the other hand, you need to draw a line in the sand. Everyone does in life. If this is your line in the sand, you're gonna have to stick to it and stay strong, otherwise this throuple will walk all over you and be running your house before the weekend.
Real rock and a hard place here. You know what they say – threesomes are all fun and games until your son brings his lovers and their soon-to-be baby into your house. Then, things get messy. And threesomes are usually so clean!
Finally, let's check in on the Nats-Pads game from last night!
Charley Hull takes us into a big night
Those get me every time. You just don't expect it, and then it's mesmerizing to watch. Also, if you take a rip at that, and only manage a liner back up the middle, it's a tough look.
And honestly, those pitches are way harder to hit out than 99 on the black. I used to hate facing slow pitchers. I want the fellas who are gonna grip it, rip it, and do all the heavy lifting for me on the off chance I actually make contact. Tough to hit an Eephus out of the yard. Pretty to watch, tough to hit.
Take us home, Charley.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You riding with Amanda and Russ? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.