Woman Survives Wilderness With Wine, Misheard Song Lyrics, Coronation Gaffes And It's Not Indecent Exposure If You're Fat
Happy Mother's Day!
OK, it's not Mother's Day yet. But I just figured I'd remind you slackers now so that you have five days to plan something special for your favorite birthing persons.
Now, if you wait until Sunday morning to hastily grab what's left in the Hallmark aisle at your closest CVS, it's your own damn fault. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I'll admit, though, I actually thought Mother's Day was this past Sunday. I texted my mother-in-law, called my mom and even poured one out for my dead grannies. All this before my husband informed me I was a whole week early.
But give me a break. After a drunken combo of Cinco de Mayo festivities Friday and attending a wedding/watching the Kentucky Derby Saturday, I was about as coherent as Kamala Harris.
Speaking of the Kentucky Derby, though: I did promise y'all last week I would update you on my first attempt at Derby attire. Personally, I feel like we nailed it without being too over the top.
We also put $2 on Mage to win (high rollers, I know), so we went home with a cool $44 in our pockets. Basically, I'm now a horse racing expert.
So, with that, let's get to your Tuesday Nightcaps.
We've got a lady saved by a bottle of wine, Meghan Markle in disguise, a fat tranny, binge watching "Fast and Furious" and some misunderstood song lyrics about Queen Camilla's vagina.
Kick back, pour yourself a double and let's get started.
Woman Survives 5 Days in the Wild on a Bottle of Wine
When I first skimmed this headline on Twitter, all I saw was "Woman survives on only wine."
And I was like, "GIRL, SAME!"
But then I realized she was actually fighting for her life and not just living her best one.
So 48-year-old Lillian Ip found herself lost in the Australian wilderness at the base of the Victorian Alps.
Which actually looks quite lovely.
(Getty Images)
Ip was planning on taking a short day trip to a nearby dam, and had only a couple of snacks and some candy with her. She didn't bring any water.
Very smart.
So when she took a wrong turn, her car got stuck in the mud and her cell phone wouldn't work, she resorted to the only liquid sustenance she had: a bottle of wine.
Honestly, minus the whole getting stranded for five days and almost dying thing, this really doesn't sound like a bad way to spend the afternoon.
My problem would have been rationing the bottle to last for five whole days.
But police finally rescued her and took her to the hospital for an IV.
I'm just waiting to find out this was all planned. Like she was stressed out from work or her husband and kids pissed her off, so she "got lost" in the woods with some wine and a charcuterie board.
In all seriousness, though, I'm glad Lilian is OK.
But it definitely could have been worse. I bet that guy from "127 Hours" sure wished he had some booze.
Trans Woman Cleared Of Indecent Exposure Charges Because Her Penis Was Covered By Belly Fat
That headline is both insane and completely true.
Some fella named Darren Glines — who now goes by Rachel — was charged with three counts of indecent exposure for getting naked in front of minors in the women's locker room at a YMCA in Ohio.
Xenia City Council president William Urschel commented on one of the cases.
"So she went to the front desk and said, 'Hey, I don’t know if you know what’s going on, but there’s a naked man in there,'" Urschel said. "She was informed, 'No, this is actually a woman, and that you shouldn’t be disturbed by this.'"
No, no. You definitely shouldn't be disturbed by your female child being forced to share a shower with this dude.
But as disturbing as this whole situation is, here's where it gets wilder: The judge cleared Glines on the grounds that his penis wasn't visible due to excess body fat.
"Quite simply, the facts do not exist to support a find of guilt, as charges," Judge David McNamee wrote. "Glines' genitalia was not visible as a result of other portions of her body covering them."
OutKick has acquired some exclusive footage of the incident:
Lord, the activists are going to come after me today. "Fatphobic" and "transphobic" all at the same time.
I can see it now:
Honestly, I don't care how mean I'm being right now because we have reached peak insanity.
A grown man exposed himself to underage girls — a sex crime here in the normal world. And he's completely shielded from consequence because: 1) He's trans and 2) He's morbidly obese.
The only redeeming thing about this entire situation is that this man has now made national news for having a belly that hangs lower than his penis.
Congrats, buddy.
Make Money Binge Watching 'Fast & Furious' Films
If you like the "Fast & Furious" franchise — or you could just use an extra grand in your bank account — this might just be your lucky day.
A website called FinanceBuzz is willing to pay someone $1,000 to watch more than 20 hours of film footage and track the damages.
The role involves taking inventory of all the car accidents from the films, including the number of accidents, the extent of the damages and what cars are involved.
This actually sounds really difficult — and not just because the movies have gotten lamer and more cringey over the years.
The website plans to use the findings from the "Fast and Furious claims adjuster" for a story about car insurance and how accidents impact those costs.
I've involuntarily seen the trailer for "Fast X" about 100 times now, and it looks... not good. Best I can tell, Vin Diesel has to stop Jason Momoa from blowing up the Vatican. And he's going to do that by driving his car really fast.
Remember when the movies were just about street racing?
Anyway, if you're interested, here's the application.
Is that... Meghan Markle?
Royal pain in the ass Meghan Markle did not attend Saturday's coronation.
Or maybe she did?
Twitter misses NOTHING, Meghan!
Among the 2,200 guests at Westminster Abbey was this dapper gentleman who really looked like someone wearing a wig, glasses and mustache as a disguise.
Others thought the mystery guest might have been Tony Clifton (a character created by late comedian Andy Kaufman), Captain Kangaroo and even Donald Trump.
But alas, the mustache-wielding stranger was just a cool dude named Sir Karl Jenkins. Jenkins is a legendary composer whose work was played during the ceremony.
Unless, of course, this guy knows the real story here.
If you don't get that reference, look it up, loser.
Internet Hilariously Mishears Lyrics at Coronation
As Queen Camilla made her entrance during the coronation ceremony, a choir sang, "Vivat Regina Camilla." That's a Latin phrase that means, "Long live Queen Camilla."
But it's not what the Internet heard.
In a TikTok video with more than 1.1 million views (so far), someone thought they were singing "wide-backed vagina, Camilla."
But that wasn't the only misinterpretation.
Other alternative lyrics included:
"Try not to die now, Camilla."
"Why not resign now, Camilla."
"Five hundred guys on Camilla."
Yikes. Rough day at the office for the new Queen.
Which brings me to my question of the week...
What's one song you sang incorrectly for years until you finally learned the actual lyrics?
I'll go first. My entire life, I thought Vanilla Ice was saying "So I continued to A1A, Detroit Avenue!" Turns out, he was saying, "Beachfront Avenue."
Which actually makes way more sense.
I just recently learned about my mistake a few months ago — as I embarrassingly belted out the wrong lyrics. But my brother will certainly never let me live it down.
One time I was out on Broadway in Nashville. The band was playing "Parachute" by Chris Stapleton. As the singer got to the end of the chorus, a loud, drunk man (aren't they all) behind me confidently yelled out, "Baby, I will be your... PAIR OF SHOES."
I also once heard someone exclaim, "Henry... busted!" instead of "Tin Roof... rusted" near the end of "Love Shack."
Here's some more good ones:
So grab yourself one more drink (or two, I won't stop you) and tweet me your favorite lyrical mishap.
Meanwhile, I'm going to the woods with a bottle of wine. If I'm not back for Nightcaps next Tuesday, send help.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.