Whole Foods Wants You To Know Its Beef Was Livin' The Good Life... Until It Wasn't, Obviously
We all know that grocery prices have gotten ridiculous over the last few years. It's gotten so bad that shopping at your regular supermarket feels like a trip to Whole Foods fantasy camp.
I'm not a Whole Foods shopper, but I do peruse Whole Foods. I treat that place the same way I treat Guitar Center. I strut in like I own the place to look at and fiddle around with all the stuff I can't afford with no intention of purchasing anything. Then I leave with something cheap like a pack of strings or some picks so I count as a customer.
That way the store can't say anything to me about grabbing a $4,000 Les Paul Custom off the wall and playing the intro to "Sweet Home Alabama" over and over for 20 minutes because I'm a paying customer.
That's Whole Foods. I go in there with no intention of buying anything. I don't want to buy the $14 watermelon, but I would like to hold it and think what it would be like to smash it open like some of history's greatest watermelon smashers. Guys like legendary prop comic Gallagher, NASCAR driver Ross Chastain, or less-legendary prop comic Gallagher Too.
I'm not buying anything in there because my last name isn't "Rockefeller." For instance, I love a steamed clam. So, I wandered over to the Whole Foods seafood section and decided to check the price of little-neck clams.
They were $0.84 per clam. I was so stunned, that I had to wave my girlfriend over (she was ogling a $9 bag of apples) to make sure I was seeing things right and not having some sort of mini-stroke.
Whole Foods is a bizarre place. It's like a haunted house, but instead of zombies, ghouls and chainsaw-wielding maniacs, it's the sticker shock from obscenely-priced organic cereal that leaves you horrified and in the throes of a panic attack.
…although, I have seen a few ghouls at Whole Foods.
This Whole Foods produce display probably costs as much as rent for a decent two-bedroom apartment in a mid-sized city. (Photo by Steve Pfost/Newsday RM via Getty Images)
Whole Foods' Gimmicks Know No Bounds
The place can get weird and gimmicky, but just when you think the store couldn't get stranger, it's doing stuff like letting you know about the welfare of your beef short ribs.
Someone in the OutKick camp — I don't want to blow up whatever they've got going with Whole Foods — sent along the following ad.
Never mind the seemingly calculated omission of the price — is that 25% off $15/pound or $150/pound — the perplexing part is the "Animal Welfare Certified" bit.
Look, any decent person wants to see animals treated well. Even the ones we end up tossing on the grill. But I don't know how good the welfare of that cow in that photo can be. What is the bar for certification? That cow has seen better days.
I mean, once you've been garnished, your welfare isn't great. Definitely not certifiable.
I'd say the cutoff for solid welfare is whenever it takes an Anton Chigurh-style bolt gun between the eyes. After that, we can stop the welfare talk. It's ain't good.
And what even constitutes solid welfare for an animal destined to become dinner? It didn't have any roommates? It meditated when time allowed? Did someone read it bedtime stories?
I've always been under the impression that things like the "Animal Welfare Certified" stamps are just marketing gimmicks. Sort of like "free-range." This chicken tastes better because it runs around a lot? Shouldn't that make it all tough and sinewy? Think of a marathon runner. You wouldn't want to eat one of them, would you?
"Dolphin-Safe tuna" is another. You mean to tell me you dredged up several cubic miles worth of sea life and there's not a dolphin in there somewhere? I'll take that bet.
Whether or not it's true, it looks good on the package. It couldn't possibly improve the quality of the meat… could it?
I think we may need to find out in the name of science. Could "Animal Welfare Certified" beef actually taste better than whatever the alternative? Beef whose welfare is — and always was — fine, but never certified.
Perhaps we shall see. In the meantime, be sure to send me your thoughts (and any leads on decent clam prices) to mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com.