True Romance: Extreme Lovemaking Ends In Hospital For Cucumber Removal, Hot Swingers Club & Dating Ex’s Kin
So Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce got engaged, we're here for real stories of romance.
Welcome to the latest edition of True Romance. I hope by now most of you know that we're not going to go wall-to-wall covering the fake Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift manufactured love story.
I would have to change the name of the column from True Romance to Phony Romance if we did that, and I'm way too lazy to even entertain such a thing.
I know they're engaged now, and I know that, unfortunately, there are a lot of people still buying into it. I'm not one of them. The American Eagle ad campaign with Kelce immediately following the engagement news tells me my instincts are correct.
That doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind. All I'm saying is a couple of Super Bowl appearances and an engagement aren’t enough to convince me. A marriage isn’t either.
If you want me on board with their relationship, and you want to see me issuing apologies for denying that it was real, I need to see a pregnant Mrs. Kelce. Walking down the aisle alone isn’t enough. Let's not forget Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie Presley.
If we have baby news in the not-so-distant future, I'll go wall-to-wall with a TayTay-Kelce True Romance. And let me be clear, not a surrogacy - I'm not falling for that either.
Now let's get to some even sadder romance news this week before we get back on track with an extreme lovemaking session that ended up with a woman seeking medical treatment - talk about romance.
The sad news comes from Burning Man, where this year's Orgy Dome was knocked out of commission by a sand storm. I'm sure it will be bigger and better next year. Pour one out for those looking forward to visiting the dome.
Now let's get to that extreme lovemaking and see where it takes us. Before we do that, go follow True Romance on Twitter and Facebook.
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Extreme lovemaking lands woman in the hospital for king cucumber removal
Let's pack our bags and head out to Russia, western Russia to be exact.
Why Russia? Well, that's where a woman was admitted to a hospital last week with "spasms and pain in the anus," as the Daily Star so eloquently described it.
The 21-year-old made the visit after an "extreme lovemaking" session with a man who was nice enough to accompany her to the hospital. He had to explain exactly what had happened.
A woman ended up in the hospital for removal of a king cucumber after an extreme lovemaking session. (Image Credit: Getty)
He reportedly told the hospital that a cucumber had gone missing, if you will, as they were intimate with one another and that attempts to remove it were unsuccessful.
The doctors, being the professionals that they are, were able to locate and remove the king cucumber. They also recommended a procedure to make sure there wasn’t any damage caused by the large vegetable.
Evidently, that went well as the two were able to later quietly leave the hospital. Although they did so without answering one of the questions doctors had.
They didn’t provide an answer as to how or why the cucumber had been bitten. That will forever remain a mystery as the two extreme lovemakers decided to keep the answer to themselves.
This Week in True Romance:
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Married couple loves swinging so much they decided to start a club, but only for good-looking people
A married couple enjoys the swinging lifestyle so much that they decided to start their own swingers' club. Swapping partners went from a "hobby" of theirs to a business.
Ashley and Tanya Marum tied the knot in 2019 and were swinging just a few months later. It started as a way for Tanya to explore her bisexuality. Then they started hooking up with couples.
"It’s just such an accepting community of people. It’s fun and it’s not all just about sex that people imagine," Tanya said, reports the NY Post. "We’ve made some really good friends through the lifestyle and it’s brought me and Ash closer together."
A married couple started their own swingers club with one rule: no ugly people are allowed to join. (Image Credit: Getty)
The couple love swinging so much they started bi-monthly swingers club events. Ash said, "Now we have events with 300 plus people going. We’ve made businesses out of it and it’s become our sole life now."
They only have one rule: no ugly people. These two didn’t start a swingers club 300 strong to hookup with trolls. They want attractive people in their club and you better believe there's a vetting process.
Aspiring members have to "apply on the website so we know what they look like." This is to ensure none of the ugly people sneak their way in.
"We want to try to get people to come that they might not be your type but they’re nice looking and take care of themselves," explained Ash.
You can’t really blame them, can you? They didn’t go all out and dive into this to make a business just to be surrounded by ugly people. Who in their right mind would do that?
If you're hot, you're in and if you're ugly, this club isn't for you.
Have you had a relationship with an ex's relative?
This week we're going to wrap up another successful week of romance with tales from people who have or know people who have been in a relationship with an ex's relative.
This sort of situation plays out in a lot of different ways. We have situations of dating and even marrying siblings, cousins, and uncles all being reported on Reddit.
Buckle up this one gets a little bump at times.
- I know of somebody who has kids by 3 different brothers ... imagine your stepdad and uncle being the same person LoL
- One guy banged three different sisters and they all have kids by him.
- My dad started dating my uncle's ex. It caused a huge rift and everyone expected my uncle to just be cool with it. He hopped on a bus out of province and didn't speak to anyone in like, 3 years.
- My grandmother married my grandfather who had dated her sister previously. My great aunt said, verbatim "I couldn't stand his ass". My grandmother should have taken her advice because he abandoned the family when his daughter was ten weeks old to run off with another woman.
- My dad dated BOTH of my moms sisters before he dated her. As long as I can remember everythings basically been cool. We all got along great, never any awkwardness, that may be because it was already like 6 years in the past by the time I was even born.
- I'm a twin and my wife briefly dated my brother before me. It was comical and a bit of a joke now, but nobody cares. Actually, at my wedding I was up at the bar and my wife and brother were still sitting at the head table. People started clinking their glasses, so my brother leaned in a kissed her on her cheek.
- My story is ~kinda~ related. My uncle married a gold digger. They were together for like, 10 years and had 3 kids. They split up in the 90s. A few years ago, we found out she married a cousin of ours. Same last name and everything.
- Not quite an ex, but I had a friend that I wanted to be more than friends with, but she was hesitant. We remained good friends. I ended up dating her younger sister.
- My ex girlfriend's mother divorced her husband (gf's dad) and married her uncle. They ended up living in seperate apartments in the same house.
- My step mom met my Uncle back in the early 80s. They dated for a while and in 1986 she gave birth to a little boy. They never got married. A year or two later, they broke up, and the woman I called my "Aunt" was now dating my dad (my uncles younger brother). My dad was divorcing my mother when I was 3, because mom caught dad cheating with "Aunt" who was her best friend.
- I haven't done it, but my mom did, so I feel pretty qualified to answer. My mom was married to my dad's older brother before she married my dad.
- My husband is my exes uncle, they’re the same age. I dated my ex for almost 10 years. Very abusive relationship. Me and my exes uncle clicked right away and were good friends. When me and my ex split my now husband was there for me and helped me deal with everything.
- So my mom married my dad, had me and my sister then got divorced when I was 8. A year or so later my mom started dating my dad’s brother (my uncle), he moved in with us and eventually they got married (I was probably 20 at that point). My uncle has been my stepdad longer than he was my uncle.
- my mom married my uncle like literally right after my dad died. it was so gross
- Dating the love of my life and she was the cousin of my ex. Really awkward since the cousin and I cut off contact and sometimes I struggle with guilt about the whole situation but I believe it was worth the struggle.
- I got it on with my ex's younger sister, at my ex's wedding reception. Their parents were happy, they'd always liked me.
- My brother stole my girlfriend and married her. I had no interest in marrying her. The fact that he betrayed me hurt more than their marriage. Since that time we have had a very strained relationship.
Here are the results of last week's poll: Are you happily married?
I have to admit, I was beginning to believe that all hope was lost for the happily married out there. There were quite a few folks who weren’t exactly painting the best pictures of their marriages.
The results of the poll are more promising. 76.4% are happily married. 9% say they're not. 3.4% are happily single and 11.2% are happily divorced.
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That's it for this week. Go take the poll, and as alwasy feel free to send your own stories of romance, anonymously if you prefer. We'll do it all again next Thursday.
The inbox is always open - sean.joseph@outkick.com. And don't forget to follow along on Twitter and on Facebook.