Travis Kelce's Ex Suffocates A Starfish With Her Bikini, Kay Adams In A Tub & Heidi Klum Has Broken Instagram

Yep, you still got me this week. Well, today, at least. No substitute quite yet!

The First Lady is now 39 weeks + four days pregnant. You ever been in a house with a toddler and a very pregnant mom, in August, in Florida? The floor is currently just eggshells. That's it. They're everywhere, and I've broken at least a million of them since Saturday. 

It's been a bloodbath. And you know what? I can't even get upset when I get yelled at anymore. You know why? I know what it's like to live here in the summer and not be skinny. I've been experiencing that my whole life. Husky folks and a real-feel of 105 don't ever get along. Ever. 

But the First Lady ain't used to it. She's not built for this. When you're used to being skinny during the harsh months, and now you're not – notice I'm not using the f-word (not that one! I ain't Jarren Duran) – it's a brutal reality check. 

So yes, she's … irritable right now. We're all on edge, which is great because we get to go right from being on edge to not sleeping for the next month. But hey … kids are the best!

(I'm just kidding, obviously. I'm very excited about my boy getting here. Let's rock and roll!)

On that note, welcome to a Monday Nightcaps – the one where we murder a starfish with Travis Kelce's ex-girlfriend, Kayla Nicole, and hope the ensuing charges aren't too harsh. 

What else? I've got plenty of content from over the weekend to get to – INSANE move by Matty Kuchar – and then maybe we'll take a quick dip with Heidi Klum. Don't know if you saw, but Heidi has officially broken Instagram. It's over. Nobody, and I mean nobody, hates clothes more than Heidi. 

Grab you some french fries for National Julienne Fries day, and settle in for a Monday 'Cap! 

Let's spin the wheel and start with … Matty Kuchar!

You know what fries julienne are? Just really thin and crispy fries. Shoestring fries. It's just a fancy name for shoestring fries. 

I love fries. Honestly, they're probably the most solid food on the planet. Think about it. Have you ever met someone who wouldn't eat a french fry? They're not my favorite food in the world, but they're just solid. Reliable. I know, more times than not, that they're gonna get the job done. 

Now, cold fries? Those are the worst. I think those would go on my Mount Rushmore of worst textures on the planet. Those and water chestnuts. The worst. 

But this ain't about cold fries. It's about hot fries, and about how delicious they are. Mount Rushmore time on this Monday in August!

1. Crinkle cut (especially the nearly burnt one at the bottom of the bag. The best.)
2. Just regular shoestring (but not too thin, we're not animals)
3. Waffle (Chick-Fil-A has this market absolutely cornered)
4. Truffle (you haven't lived until you had a good truffle fry)

I absolutely will not accept potato wedge. Those are beyond dumb. They're fine, but they're essentially just potato chunks. Nobody wants to eat a potato chunk with their burger. Also, sweet potato fries? I'm all in, but you better have that marshmallow sauce on the side or I'm gonna laugh in your stupid face. 

Whew. What a tangent! Where were we? 

Oh yeah! Matt Kuchar! I can't believe Matty pulled that crap at the Wyndham. Insane stuff. Psycho stuff. Stopping in the middle of 18 fairway because it's too dark just so you can come back in the morning, shoot par, and bank thousands more is such a diabolical move I don't even know what to do with it. 

Part of me respects the hell out of that move. Seriously. You see this economy lately? It STINKS. I'd stop on 18 for an extra $50, much less $50k. 

But also, what a scumbag!

The internet isn't pleased with Kayla Nicole

From OutKick's crack golf guy Mark Harris:

Kuchar ultimately resumed play at 8 AM ET on Monday morning and made par on his final hole to earn $134,695 in a 10-way tie for 12th place. A bogey on the last would have seen him take home $77,000.

Yeah, I can't argue that. Sorry. We zig, they zag. I'm zigging here and going against the public by announcing I'm … #TeamKuch! Don't blame me. Blame our current administration. 

You think Matty pulls that with Trump in office and a thriving economy. Don't think so. We're all just trying to keep our heads above water here. Can't hate on a man trying to support his family. 

OK, we've gone far enough. It's time to introduce Travis Kelce's ex, Kayla Nicole, to class and defend her from all the wokes who are angry at her for smothering this starfish!

Best of the best from a loaded weekend of #content 

Let's quickly get a pulse of the nation, via the comments:

Kayla ilysm but I am passionate about not picking up starfish. The oil/chemicals on your skin can be harmful to them and when you take them out of the water they’re literally suffocating. 

You do realize when you took the starfish out of the water it was suffocating right? But good pics. Just bad for the starfish. 

Animal cruelty isn’t cute.

I was here to say the same lol great pics. Sad for the starfish. 

Never knew we had so many starfish advocates out there. Someone get PETA on the horn, ASAP! Honestly, though, there are worse ways to die. If you have to go out, gasping for your breath while squished against Kayla Nicole ain't the worst way to go. Not the best, but definitely not the worst. 

OK, best of the best from the weekend before all of these become old news by tomorrow!

Kay Adams in a tub, Heidi in the wild and if this is the SEC on ABC theme I'll make Jan. 6 look like a tea party

Couple things …

1. The new kickoff is the worst. I despise it. Hate it. I didn't think the NFL could piss me off like this, but it's so bad. Honestly, just get rid of the whole damn thing at this point. I'd rather watch 100% of the old kickoffs go out of the end zone than watch that crap. It's garbage and it's unAmerican. 

2. Same with those stupid safety helmets on the helmet. We're going ass-backwards in this country. 

3. Kay Adams? 

Kay Adams! Rapid-fire time on this Monday:

It was a quiet few months for Queen Kay, but she's starting to wake up from a long hibernation, and I'm excited about where this seems to be going. I think we're in for a big fall. 

Next? I wasn't lying in the title. If this is really the new SEC on ABC theme song, I will riot. 

Look what they stole from us. You wanna steal our election? Fine. Have at it. But I'll be damned if we went from that SEC on CBS song to whatever the hell ESPN PR's put out today. 

Now, is it the actual "theme song?" I don't know. It says anthem. What does that mean? No idea. But it better not be what I hear when I turn on Miami-Florida in a couple weeks. I'll flip over to whatever shitty Big Ten on CBS game is on and watch it until my eyes bleed. Don't try me. 

Whew. Boy, am I angry today or what? This kid needs to come out and join the party, STAT. 

Save us, Heidi Klum. 

Let's go have a big week. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You a fan of that stupid new SEC on ABC song? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.