Internet Drags Travis Kelce's New Look, Kid Humbles Tyreek Hill & We Need To Talk About Katy Perry
An unintentional consequence of Taylor Swift's involvement in the NFL is that now we get to read football commentary from people who have never watched football before.
Travis Kelce's girlfriend has sparked an entirely new demographic to take an interest in the NFL. It's been great for the NFL: Experts (whoever they are) determined that the world's biggest pop star generated more than $330 million in brand value for the Kansas City Chiefs and the league last year.
It's been not-so-great for the "stick to football" crowd, who hate to have Taylor's face interrupt their football broadcast every so often. And yeah, the hype is borderline annoying when overdone. But the content is gold.
Sure, most of the Swifties' on social media are busy just worshiping the ground she walks on. But some of them are actively trying to figure out the game …or just roasting Travis.
WOMANSPLAINING: Men, Here's How To Make Sure Your Relationship Survives Football Season
And he deserved every bit of the jeering last night. More on that in a second.
I guess my point — despite rumors we might have heard earlier this week — is that Taylor is here to stay. So we, as fans of the NFL, might as well embrace it. After all, I'd rather have to glance at her in the suite at Arrowhead every once in a while than go one more miserable day without football.
We're back, baby!
As you're reading this, I have a mezcal margarita waiting for me at a restaurant downtown. Join me (figuratively, of course)? Happy Friday, y'all. It's Nightcaps time!
The Internet Roasts Travis Kelce's New Look
The future Mr. Swift had a measly three catches for 34 yards in the 2024 season opener, disappointing a lot of fantasy owners. Not me, but I have Derrick Henry on my team. The Ravens forgot he existed after the first quarter, so I wasn't thrilled, either.
But Kelce's forgettable night made it way easier for the Internet to make hilarious jokes at his expense.
Case in point:
Yeah, that haircut was …something. I mean, he's had the Reno 911! ‘stache for a while now, but I’m not sure that I was expecting the tiny chili bowl haircut he unveiled on unsuspecting viewers last night.
It's a far cry from his signature fade that The New York Times had determined was cultural appropriation earlier this year. Because apparently only black men are allowed to have fades.
But whatever culture Travis is appropriating now, I want no part of it. And neither does anyone on X.
Speaking of Josh Hartnett, has anyone seen his new movie Trap? I'm still trying to get over the fact that a teenage heart throb back in my day is old enough to play a teenager's middle-aged dad now. I had trouble grasping Seal Team at first for the same reason, but then I learned that David Boreanaz has been 20 years older than me this whole time, so that made me feal better.
Anyway, Trap looks really intriguing, and I need to know if it's worth $19.99 +tax to stream it at home. Email me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com and let me know.
My Horror Movie Update
Per Gen X Warren's suggestion, I watched The Thing (1982) on Wednesday. I won't spoil it for you (although, respectfully, you've had 42 years to see it), but I loved everything except the ending. It was so delightfully '80s from the characters to the costumes to the "special effects." Feeling immediately inspired, my husband insisted we jump into Alien.
Guys, I think the ‘70s and ’80s might just be the golden era of horror films.
Good Things I Have More Suggestions From Rick G:
"The Evil Dead" (1981) - Five college students take time off to spend a peaceful vacation in a remote cabin. A book and audio tape are discovered, and its evil is found to be powerful once the incantations are read out loud. The friends find themselves helpless to stop the evil as it takes them one by one, with only one survivor left with the evil dead who desperately tries to fight to live until morning.
"Black Christmas" (1974)- It's time for Christmas break, and the sorority sisters make plans for the holiday, but the strange anonymous phone calls are beginning to put them on edge. (Director is Bob Clark, we all know him from A Christmas Story and Porkys. BTW the ineptness of the police in this movie equates to Trump’s Secret Service protection in Butler, PA).
"The Prowler" (1981)- An unknown killer, clad in World War II U.S. Army fatigues, stalks a small California town, bent on reliving a 35 year-old double murder by focusing on a group of college kids holding an annual graduation dance.
Amber:
Football is the priority this weekend, but I'll work through this list next week and report back.
Also, I've been told I might like a series on Amazon Prime called From. "It's like Lost, but horror," I'm told. So I guess I'm doing nothing next week except work, Ragnar Training (team sponsor Joe Kinsey threw down the gauntlet earlier yesterday) and purposely scaring myself sh*tless.
OK, back to Nightcaps.
Little Kid Humbles Tyreek Hill
Just kidding, there is no humbling Tyreek Hill. But this was pretty funny.
The Miami Dolphins wide receiver held a series of youth football camps over the summer, and during at least one of them, he did a Q&A session with the kids.
A kid stood up and told Tyreek that he plays a lot of sports, and his favorite is football. And fancy that — he also plays wide receiver.
So when Tyreek asked him which receiver he looks up to the most, he did not get the answer he was expecting.
Watch:
Ja'Marr Chase. LOL.
You gotta hand it to the kid. It takes a lot to go to a football camp named after and paid for by a five-time First-Team All-Pro then look him directly in the face and tell him you prefer another player.
Tyreek took it in stride, though, and everyone had a good laugh.
OK, now that we have all that football out of the way…
Katy Perry Does What Before Bed?
In a recent interview, Katy Perry revealed that she has a very specific nighttime routine that she swears by.
And no, not THAT interview or THAT nighttime activity.
No, this one was much more wholesome. In a feature for British Vogue, the pop star dug through her bag of self-care and makeup essentials. And as I write for a primarily male audience, I know you could not give any less f*cks about this if you tried. And I'm honestly right there with you.
That said, there was one item that struck me as strange: a lint roller.
As a dog owner, I have a lint roller — several lint rollers, actually. That in itself is not weird. But then Katy said that the one non-negotiable part of her nighttime routine is to lint roll her feet before bed.
First of all, I have never heard of this before in all my years of life. Why does a person have so much gunk on the bottom of their feet that she needs to lint roll them clean? And if they are that dirty, why doesn't she just take a shower? And again, why are they that dirty?
Maybe I'm a weirdo (scratch that, I'm definitely a weirdo), but I cannot walk around my house without my slippers. I can't stand the feeling of my feet on the hard floors. And I sweep my floors every single day, but I am NAKED without my slippers.
It's truly an ICK, as the kids say. I can't be the only one.
OK, now that I have that rambling out of my system…
Let's Talk About Katy Perry
Katy Perry is going through some sort of weird reinvention. Call it new stage in life or just a desperate attempt to revive a stagnant career. But whatever it is, it's puzzling.
First, she released maybe the worst song I've ever heard.
No, no, that's not fair. "Gucci Gang" is the worst song I've ever heard.
That's so remarkably awful I almost respect it.
OK, so Katy releases this "female empowerment anthem" called "WOMAN'S WORLD," and it's atrocious.
Fashion writes: "The song — which seems to be about women running the world — is less female empowerment anthem and more alphabet soup, sounding like something created not by a woman but by AI."
And yes, the song does sound entirely like AI, but it has SIX WRITERS. SIX! But then she released a video for it, which was not very empowering at all. In fact, it was gross and weird and degrading.
Oh but wait… that was the point! After pissing off her entire fanbase with a mild porno disguised as a women's anthem, Katy was like "LOL guys it's parody! Get it? Because it's the opposite of empowering!" (I'm paraphrasing, but that was essentially what she said.)
That's like owning a restaurant and saying you have the world's best burger. So people show up to try the burger, and you only have vegan fish sticks.
"See guys, that's the point! It's parody! It's the OPPOSITE of a burger!"
The comments were funny, though:
- AI generated Tampon commercial.
- This feels like she watched the Barbie movie and wanted to make her version but decided to have men write and produce it.
- This feels like you asked ChatGPT to generate a music video about feminism.
- The world was okay before this song came out. It wasn’t necessary, just delete it and we can all pretend it never existed. Trust me, we’ll survive.
So all that unnecessary background to bring you back to THAT interview we mentioned earlier.
I don't need to rehash the content of the interview for you because I'm sure you've seen it. And if not, OutKick's Sean Joseph covered it pretty thoroughly here. But basically, Katy explains how gives her fiancé Orlando Bloom the ol' downstairs kiss whenever he does his chores like a good boy.
The Internet was all abuzz about this — some praising her for her transparency, while others discussed whether leveraging sex as a punishment/reward is healthy behavior in a relationship. Some people commented on her Botox and fillers, and some took this video as an opportunity to dunk on Katy and millennial women, in general.
But why is no one bringing up the very glaring and obvious elephant in the room?
THE WOMAN HAS HER NIPPLES PIERCED THROUGH HER SHIRT.
Am I a complete nutcase for being the only person who thinks this is wild? I immediately went to my husband and said, "I need you to look at Katy Perry's nipples and tell me what you think."
Given the fact that I've never asked him to look at another woman's nipples before, he was perplexed. I could see his wheels turning, trying to determine whether he was being tested.
But he wasn't being tested — I just needed someone else to confirm for me that having your nipple rings pierce through your shirt is, in fact, incredibly bizarre. And he did confirm.
I'm hoping that's just the shirt and that those loops aren't really poking through her nips.
Otherwise, I can see it now…
Katy is upstairs lint rolling her feet when Orlando enters the room. He informs her that he's just washed the dishes, folded the laundry and swept the floors. He's ready for his reward.
Katy gladly drops to her knees to oblige.
In the throes of passion, Orlando reaches down and rips off her shirt. She lets out a primal, painful scream. There's blood everywhere. Her nipples are on the floor, still attached to her shirt. Katy passes out on the ground — she's now covered in lint. Blood and lint. Her nightmare has come true. Orlando ponders how he will explain this to the paramedics.
And SCENE!
Let me know if you think I should quit my job and write romance novels.
Stuff I Liked
And on that note, it's officially the weekend. Time for a colbeer.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.