A Toby Keith Tribute, A Super Bowl Dilemma, Cocaine Hippos & Meditations With Lil' Jon

Picture this: It's Indiana, 1994. A 5-year-old Amber is dashing through the house — saddle blazing on a white stick horse. You couldn't tell me a damn thing. Because in that moment, I was the Wild West's baddest little outlaw. I'm singing at the top of my lungs.

"Wearin' my six-shooter, ridin' my pony on a cattle driiive!"

My little nephew (in a Ninja Turtles T-shirt and a red, felt cowboy hat) is chasing me — screaming and crying because I just stole his stick horse. 

Maybe not what Toby Keith envisioned when he wrote "Should've Been a Cowboy." But it's a core memory that still makes me laugh, even 30 years later.

(USA TODAY)

Yesterday, Toby lost his battle with cancer. No, I obviously didn't know him. But it feels like I did. Because for a kid who grew up in the '90s loving country music, that guy truly wrote the soundtrack.

I'm sure you've seen your fair share of Toby tributes today, but I hope you'll indulge me for a moment.

Toby Keith Was The Man

Most of the Internet paints a picture of Toby as a proud, beer-drinking patriot — and rightfully so. The first time we heard "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," we were all ready to run through a wall and kill some terrorists. But when I think of my all-time Toby Keith playlist, that one doesn't even crack the top 20.

It's funny how closely music is tied to memory, and my heroic cowgirl adventures of roping, riding and bullying my nephews were just the beginning. 

There was also that time my exasperated mother complained about no one helping her around the house. I told her, "Ma, you ain’t much fun since I quit drinking" — sending my father into uproarious laughter before he caught mom's glare and composed himself. The time I sat in my friend's basement screaming along to the "How Do You Like Me Now?" video because, one day, that boy who didn't like me back was going to be sorry. And he was.

Or that time the youth minister told me "Stays in Mexico" was not an appropriate tune to play at the Confirmation retreat. When I spent all night on the phone with my friend explaining how her asshole ex-boyfriend "Ain’t Worth Missing." Or when I blasted "Whiskey Girl" on repeat while making my Jack Daniel's Halloween costume. 

Worst of all, the time I ate a handful of gummy bears — no one told me they were the special kind — and I woke up several hours later in the fetal position, covered in sweat and dried-up tears. In that moment, I felt every word of "Weed with Willie" deep down in my soul.

I could go on forever.

So sure, Toby had the boot-in-your-ass, post-9/11 anthem. But I hope people also remember him for the brilliant songwriter and absolute hits machine that he was. They just don't make country music like they used to. And there will never be another one like Toby Keith.

On that note, fill up your Red Solo Cup or grab a long-neck bottle and peel the label. Raise it up for the Big Dog Daddy. 

It's Nightcaps time!

When Cocaine Hippos Attack!

How's that for a wild pivot?

Hordes of hungry, hungry hippos are wreaking havoc on Colombia. And it's a huge problem. See, hippos are not native to South America. But in the 1980s, Pablo Escobar had four hippos — one male and three females — brought over from Africa for his private zoo. But as we all learned from the Discovery Channel, those four hippos made more hippos. 

When the drug lord died in 1993, the animals were abandoned. Now, without any natural predators, the hippos are THRIVING. The people and animals who have to live with them? Not so much.

News flash: Hippos are not very nice. Now, with hundreds of these gigantic animals populating the area, Colombians say the hippos have become unpredictable and aggressive. Several people have already been hospitalized due to attacks from the invasive species.

In addition to just being jerks, the hippos have toxic poop that affects oxygen levels in the country's bodies of water, which can hurt fish and ultimately humans.

Scientists and veterinarians have considered multiple strategies. Relocation was an idea, but turns out, it's very difficult to move a 9,000-pound colossal river horse — let alone a whole herd of them — and take it to a different continent. They've also thrown around the ideas of euthanasia, sterilization, birth control and castration.

Yes, castration. Imagine being tasked with catching a fully-grown hippo and lopping its d-ck off. If only Steve Irwin were still around.

Somehow I think that strategy would provoke a whole lot more attacks.

So now, Colombians find themselves in a race against time. Those original four hippos have turned into 170. And if drastic measures aren't done to stop them, the population will explode to 1,000 by 2035.

I'll admit, when I saw the "Cocaine Hippos" headline, I thought we were getting a much-anticipated sequel to the cinematic masterpiece, Cocaine Bear. I was not expecting a legitimate eco-disaster.

Who Would You Take To The Super Bowl?

If you went to the Super Bowl, who would you take? That's the dilemma one man found himself in when he won two free tickets to Sunday's game in Las Vegas.

He decided to take his best friend — the guy who watches the games with him every single Sunday. But his girlfriend is pissed he didn't choose her.

Here are the facts:

• Her birthday is the day before the Super Bowl, so she feels like he's abandoning her on her birthday.
• She doesn't care about football. But she is excited that Taylor Swift will be there.
• The buddy is a huge football fan and will actually appreciate the game.

Whose side are you on — the boyfriend or the girlfriend? Email me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com and let me know.

In this particular case, I think he's right to take his buddy. I'm not wasting a Super Bowl ticket on someone who doesn't even like football — just so she might get a glimpse of Taylor Swift on the Jumbotron.

Now, if your girlfriend or wife actually cared about football, then she has a point.

I get the girlfriend's birthday adds an extra layer of difficulty, but I think the move here is to take her on the Vegas trip, celebrate the birthday the night before with whatever she wants to do, then go to the game with your friend.

Everyone wins.

Let Lil' Jon Relax You

Imagine you're trying to unwind from a stressful week. You need to clear your head, so you decide to do a little guided meditation. You lay down, get comfy cozy, put on your noise-canceling headphones and close your eyes. Just as you get nice and relaxed…

Lil' Jon is reportedly releasing a guided meditation album.

Yes, you read that right. The rapper known for screaming "YEAH!" and "OKAY!" on the track is going to take you to a place of peacefulness and zen. Which is absolutely wild when you think of his other recordings: "Salt Shaker"? "Get Low"? "Turn Down For What"? All chaos.

Speaking of, I learned just last week what it means to "shake it like a salt shaker." So thank you, TikTok.

Anyway, apparently, Lil' Jon has been on a fitness journey as of late and feels that a guided meditation album is the way to go for his next creative endeavor.

Personally, I'm kind of excited about it. I've never been good at meditating — or relaxing at all, for that matter. I'm a busybody, so I physically cannot just sit down and do nothing or turn off my brain long enough to fall into some sort of meditative state. I'm either stressing about everything I need to get done or I am sleeping. There's no in between.

Maybe Lil' Jon is just the right person to bridge that gap for me. 

And if you, too, cannot wait to feast your ears on the peaceful musings of the chief East Side Boy, there's good news: You don't have to wait long. The 10-track project is set to drop Feb. 16. Should I write a review for OutKick?

By the way, his real name is John Smith. Which sounds a whole lot more like a guy who would be leading guided meditations.

Benny Is On The Trash TV Train

I find it hilarious you're hooked on "90 Day Fiancé." I've never watched it, but I can relate. My ex-gf was hooked on "Love After Lockup." I had no interest in watching it, but she loved it, so I got the popcorn and drinks ready, and we sat down and watched it every Friday night. And, I have no shame to admit, I got into the show a little . 

The premise, for anyone who doesn't know, is that someone starts a relationship with someone in prison, and once the con is released, they try to mesh their lives together. 

These relationships are mostly what happens when a train wreck crashes into a dumpster fire. But it is entertaining. And if you ever feel depressed about your life, watch an episode of this show, and you will realize how good your life is. 

Amber:

Don't tempt me, Benny. I do not need any more brain-rotting television shows. I already waste too much of my life watching 90 Day Fiancé.

And you're right. People can knock it all they want, but those shows suck you in. My husband watches right along with me. One time, his buddy Travis spent the weekend with us. We warned him we would watch 90 Day Fiancé at night. Travis scoffed, couldn't believe my husband was into girly garbage TV. But he watched an episode with us before bed.

Next morning, Travis came downstairs and told us he was up until 4 a.m. watching 90 Day — It was so entertaining, he couldn't turn it off. 

Brian Had A Close Call With A Homemade Bomb

In an email to Womansplaining on Friday, Brian casually mentioned that he lived above a kid who got caught making homemade bombs. I insisted he follow up and elaborate.

The bomb maker wasn’t my roommate!! I lived in a house which had five rooms, all converted to small apartments. This kid lived in one of the apartments below me with his family. One day, he blew off part of his hand making some redneck bomb. Nobody knew this was happening until the EMTs came. Had a lot of law enforcement and looky loo traffic for a couple weeks after that.

Amber:

This reminds me of the time I did a study abroad program in England, and we had to evacuate the dorms in the middle of the night because some stupid French kids started a fire with a panini maker.

But for real, Brian, you lucked out here. Thank goodness that kid sucked at making bombs or else he might have blown up his hand and your entire apartment. 

I wonder where that guy is now? Surely, he grew up to be a productive member of society and not a total weirdo.

One More Thing…

Toby Keith's song, "My List" often gets forgotten — mostly because it was released right before "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue."

But it sends one hell of a message. And it's more applicable today than ever. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.