The Gripe Report: Lack Of St. Patrick's Day Excitement, 4-Way Stops, ATM Fees, And More

I’ve got to tell you, I was fired up for St. Patrick’s Day this year. I’m not sure what it was, although the promise of stigma-less morning beer drinking was likely a factor.

It’s a great holiday, but one of the things I don’t like about St. Patrick’s Day is that there’s a uniform requirement: you’ve got to wear green. It’s simple, but it’s an unwritten rule, and if you run afoul of it, every lass with a buzz from here to Dublin will remind you that you are, in fact, not wearing green.

Despite a healthy dose of Irish heritage, I had nothing green in my wardrobe. Nothing at all. I did have one shirt with Kermit the Frog on it, but I don’t think that counts.

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"Damn," I said. "I’m going to need to round me up a shirt with a shamrock on it."

However, I went to three different stores and there were hardly any St. Patrick’s Day goods to be found. It wasn’t just that there wasn’t an Irishy-y section, there was hardly anything with a shamrock, pot of gold, or Irish flag. 

Hell, the only leprechauns I saw were in the cereal aisle.

St. Patrick's Day seemed to be down bad this year with holiday shirts hard to come by. (Getty Images)

I even asked two different employees at a certain department store that got boycotted last year if they had a St. Patrick's Day section.

The first employee looked at me like I was speaking in tongues when I asked where I could find St. Patrick’s Day shirts, while the second employee had at least heard of the holiday, but clearly had no idea when it was.

"They’ll probably put out more of that stuff closer to the day," he assured me after I asked where I could find a St. Paddy’s shirt.

This conversation took place on March 16.

So, in summation, tuck-friendly swimsuits are abundant; but look elsewhere if you want a St. Patrick’s shirt.

I did wind up with a plain green shirt, which is fine because I’m sick of jokey t-shirts that have too much writing on them anyway. What even is the point of a shirt with a dirty limerick on it if it can’t be read by someone walking past you?

Also, here’s a pro tip: comedy always benefits from brevity. Except for "The Aristocrats," no one has ever written a joke and thought, "Funny, but needs more words." 

The point is maybe don’t print a master's thesis on the front of a shirt. Keep those jokes nice and streamlined.

Anyway, I went out to lunch with my girl and had a great time by the pool with a beer in hand. That’s one of the great perks of living in Florida. Holidays that aren’t traditionally pool holidays become pool holidays. It was great.

However, as an Irishman to some unknown degree (It’s probably like 1/16th, but I’m more Irish than ol’ Liz Warren is Native American), I found the lack of St. Patrick’s Day spirit disturbing.

I don’t know why more people don’t seem to be celebrating. The holiday consists of, "Yo, drink this green beer." That is it. No presents to buy, no cards to send, no rituals to perform… except for the drinking of the green beer.

Oh well, that’s their loss. Fewer crowds at the bars for the rest of us.

I hope you had a great weekend, but not too great. If things get too good you won’t have things to complain about. We need those, so be sure to send them in by firing an email to matthewreigle@outkick.com!

Fortunately, something always eats away at us, so let’s see what was bugging you guys this week…

Dancing medication commercials and rapid-fire disclaimers drew some ire this week. (Getty Images)

Jardiance Commercials And Rapid-Fire Disclaimers

Henry wrote in to tell us a problem he has with commercials for a certain medication that seem to run almost 24/7:

I am so OVER these Jardiance commercials.  I’ve gotten numb to the Big Pharma commercials with all of the awful side effects but this is a new low. Choreography and singing In a medicine commercial with a catchy jingle?  Make it stop.  

Doesn’t it mention possible loss of lower limbs in the potential problems?  With DANCING!!!   

Ugh 

…

There must be some washed-up theater kids in the Jardiance camp. That’s the only reason I can think of to explain why anyone would sign off on these commercials. They’re just awful, from the music to the dancing to the frequency.

I’m not 100% sure what Jardiance is even supposed to do, but I think it has to do with diabetes. It goes to show how much effort they wasted on show tunes instead of letting people know what it does.

I yearn for the days of diabetes meds being marketed to us by Wilford Brimley just sitting there yelling "Dia-bee-tus" into the camera. We need that, not Busby Berkeley numbers and catchy tunes.

Just awful, and these things play on a loop. At this point, you could probably rattle off the disclaimer that comes in at the end.

Speaking of which, Bill in Pennsylvania was taking umbrage with those this week:

I despise the speed-talking disclaimers/warnings/restrictions/contest rules, etc. at the end of commercials. It is usually information that a company is required to include because the government has deemed it to be important. So why are they permitted to read it as fast as humanly possible? It sounds like one long indistinguishable run-on sentence? What the heck did they just say!?!? No pauses. No inflection. There should be a federally mandated ‘spoken words per minute’ rule that they are not allowed to exceed. 

…

Couldn’t agree more, and I’m not sure why this doesn’t bug more people. 

Although, I will say if you listen closely you can pick up on some real gems. Like side effects that don’t even make sense given the type of medication.

I swear I once saw an ad for a nasal spray that included the warning "could cause an infection in the skin of the perineum."

Now, look that up if you have to, but let me assure you that if nasal spray is causing problems in that part of the body, you may not be using it correctly.

What to do at 4-way stop signs is not instinctual for a lot of people. (Getty Images)

4-Way Stops

I’m saving a bunch of emails to do some editions of The Gripe Report that all have to do with driving, but I had to pull this one from Tim in Texas City aside because it hits on something I was complaining about this week in my own life:

I wanna talk about 4-way stops.  I don't know what these are like where you're from but down here in Texas it is an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.

Every time I pull up to a 4-way stop and I see someone else pulling up at the same time as me, I say, out loud to myself, to God, to the homeless dude sleeping on the bench at the corner, "Aw f***...  Here we go."

People CANNOT handle that s***.  They will sit there forever INSISTING that you go first no matter how deliberately you tried to make it unmistakably, idiot-proof, obvious to them that you arrived after they did by creeping ever-so-slowly to a halt.  Then....OHHH...then, you get into the dreaded game of chicken where you finally say "f*** it, I'm going" but they also say "f*** it" at the same time and you're both starting and stopping like some weird ass, automobile-sized robot dance.

Just the other day I pulled up to a 4-way stop simultaneously with a guy directly across from me.  I was turning left onto a road with a rather large, landscaped median.  He was turning right onto the same road.  Now, we already know that in this situation, he has the right-of-way because it's just a short, tiny little turn right for him and he's off to buy more god damn crayons or whatever idiots do.  Whereas I was going to have to cross all the way over the intersection, over one lane and a huge, landscaped median to get to where I wanted to be.  This spray-paint-huffing mother f***** WOULD NOT GO.  Wouldn't do it.  He insisted that I go, waving me along from inside his personal short bus.  So, I finally put it in park, opened my door, got out, stood next to my truck and stared at him until he finally got the message.\

4-WAY STOPS will ultimately land me in one of two places: prison or a straitjacket.  It's not complicated.  If everybody would just follow the god damn rules designed to help prevent road rage murders, we're all good.  Stop trying to be polite, or nice, or whatever it is you think you're doing, just go when it's your f****** turn to go and be on your way.

…

This… just this…

First of all, I love the drag-the-brake move to avoid a dopey high-noon standoff at the 4-way stop. I do that too. It’s what smart people do.

Occasionally though, you run into someone so dumb that it doesn't work...

I’m sure most of you reading this are aware of this, but we have rules of the road for a reason, and that reason is so that you follow them. They’re not just there for safety, they’re in place to help keep traffic moving like a well-oiled machine.

A burst of steam shoots out of my ears whenever I see someone eschew these rules — like who has the right of way at a 4-way stop — in the name of politeness.

That act of politeness is appreciated by one person, but it enrages everyone who gets held up by it.

I see this all the time. People slam on the breaks to let someone make a left turn across traffic. It’s just confusing, the person turning has no idea what is happening, so they just sit there. Meanwhile, the "gentleman" who stopped to let them through has cars piling up behind him,.

Just drive the way you're supposed to and we’ll all get where we need to go.

This isn’t hard, folks.

ATM fees are getting out of hand and so are people abandoning their cars at the pump while they snag a Big Gulp. (Getty Images)

ATM Fees And People Who Leave Their Cars At Gas Pumps

We’ll wrap things up for this week with a double-dose of gripes from Joe "Not Joe Kinsey" in Ohio, who had some real problems with two things you can encounter with just one stop at 7-Eleven.

He also had a nice shout out to give to Brian in New Jersey for his Hall of Fame-worthy complaint about pull-tab tuna cans in our inaugural Gripe Report:

Hi Matt,

Congrats on a great inaugural Gripe Report. Props to Brian from New Jersey, whose complaint about the ring-pull tuna can and his wife's suspicions made me choke coffee all over my keyboard. 

1. ATM fees. A number of places are cash only and have an ATM on premises that ding you for a set fee. I usually don't use them, but I got caught short at a cash-only restaurant so I used my debit card with one. I got dinged two bucks at the site but then got hit with another service fee of three bucks by my bank because the ATM I used was out of their network. I understand it (kind of) but a total of five dollars in transaction fees is too much.

2) Assholes who pump their gas and then leave their car at the pump to go in the attached convenience store to buy chips, soda, sandwiches, and condoms and, oh, might as well take a wiz, too. Why not pull the newly gassed car into a parking space five feet away and let someone else gas up? I am seeing this more and more lately. I'm not talking about the folks who have to prepay their gas. I mean the ones who gas up and walk off when there is already a line at their pump without a f**k to give.

Thanks so much for the opportunity to vent. I'll be back.

***

Anytime Joe! That’s what we’re here for: to save us all thousands in therapy and court-mandated anger management courses! Venting is always welcome.

I don’t hit the ATM too often these days, but I go out of my way to track down the ones that I can use without a fee. 

As Joe said, we all get the business behind it, but I feel like as people use cash less frequently, banks are going to try to wet their beaks whenever they can.

I’m throwing on a tin-foil hat here, but I wonder if cash-only restaurants are getting kickbacks for this. 

As for the people who leave their cars at the pump to buy a Slim Jim and a Red Bull, they may be some of the most rude, lazy, narcissistic monsters who walk among us.

They flat-out do not care that someone else might be running on fumes and late for an appointment, because they can’t be bothered to fire up their Mazda, crank the wheel, and roll it around the pumps to a parking spot at the front of the store like a functioning member of society.

Nope. F**k everyone. They’ve got scratchers to buy.

I can’t stand it, and I think we need to find a way to shame or charge the people extra for sitting there, especially if people are waiting to use the pump.

Maybe then folks like this would learn the error of their ways, but I don’t think they’re the learnin’ type.

An employee places Munchkins donut hole treats in a box for a customer at a Dunkin' Donuts Inc. location in Los Angeles, California. Photographer: Patrick T. Fallon/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Special Guest Gripe: Dunkin Munchkins Jelly-To-Donut Ratio

We’ll land this plane with a special guest gripe from OutKick’s resident betting expert Geoff Clark. Poor Geoff got himself a sack of Munckins™ and was none-too-pleased with the jelly-to-donut ratio:

This all comes down to taste, but I’m with Geoff on this: if you’re going to promise jelly, deliver jelly. I want to be in danger of ruining my shirt with how much jelly spurts out of that little hole on the opposite side of the donut. 

It should look like the elevator from The Shining… just with Smuckers instead of blood… obviously.

Usually, mom-and-pop places are better when it comes to this, which is weird because you'd think the place that can afford Ben Affleck and J-Lo for their Super Bowl ads wouldn't be so tight-fisted on the jelly front.

…

That’s another batch of complaints in the books. Thanks to all of you who have sent them in so far, and I’m hoping to get to as many as I can. However, new complaints are always welcome, so send them to mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com.