That Predicting Hack Nostradamus Is At It Again, And He's Calling For 2024 To Be A Real Bummer

One of my favorite times of the year is the final days of the calendar year. That's when everyone is excited about the year to come, unaware of the fact that they'll probably wind up writing it off by March. However, this year, history's most famous prognosticator — Nostradamus — is already trying to harsh everyone's New Year's mellow before we even had a chance to laugh at all the dopes with nowhere to pee in Times Square.

This won't surprise you, but Nostradamus had some predictions about the year 2024. That's not surprising because all that guy did was sit around and spitball predictions. He got a few of them right and for some reason, some people think that makes him clairvoyant. If you sat around and wrote almost 1,000 very vague quatrains you'd get a few things right too.

I mean, look at The Simpsons. They've done more than 750 episodes — and what do you know? — they've gotten a few things right.

Nonetheless, people still buy into the hype, and according to The New York Post, Old Man Nostradamus wrote his thoughts about 2024 in his 1555 text “Les Propheties.”

And he thinks this will be a bummer of a year, to say the least.

Nostradamus Says There Will Be A New King Of England And A New Pope (As Opposed To Pope Classic)

So, on the 25th anniversary of Nostradamus being wrong about the world ending in 1999, what kind of things does he think are in the cards?

Well, one of his predictions is that there will be a new King of England this year. Nostradnays wrote about a “King of the Isles” being “driven out by force.” He then added, "Soon afterward a new King shall be anointed / Who, for a long time, will appease the earth.”

Technically speaking, King Charles III is a "King of the Isles," but that's more of that signature Nostradamus vaguery that has made him a somebody centuries after he probably should've been written off as a crazy nobody.

Forget a new king, Nostradamus is calling his shot in Vatican City too. He's thinking there's going to be a new Pope.

“Through the death of a very old Pontiff, A Roman of good age will be elected, Of him it will be said that he weakens his see, But long will he sit and in biting activity,” he wrote.

There have been a lot of Popes, pretty much all of them old. Pope Francis is getting up there, but call me crazy, I can't see them going local with the next Pope. So again, Nostradamus is sounding like a Nostradumbass here.

Nostradamus is calling for floods and war that some people think will be started by a certain communist regime headed up by a man with a striking resemblance to Winnie The Pooh. (Getty Images)

Did Anyone Order Natural Disasters Or War? One 16th-Century Shyster Did!

What would a crop of Nostradamus predictions be without some war and natural disaster?!

That's his bread and butter because at some point in a calendar year, somewhere on planet Earth there will be war and some form of natural disaster. We're all wise to this. That's one of the ways Nostradamus padded his stats.

What was he calling for this year?

According to our faux-soothsaying pal, he sees “combat and naval battle” and a “Red adversary will become pale with fear, putting the great Ocean in dread.”

Some people are hung up on "Red adversary" believing Nostradamus is calling for war with China. Meh. I don't see it. He just picked a color and got lucky.

Finally, we got a weather forecast from Nostradamus.

“The dry earth will grow more parched, and there will be great floods when it is seen,” he wrote.

I'm shocked he didn't cap off that prediction by citing Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. That's some run-of-the-mill climate alarmism from a guy who lived at a time when they weren't 100 percent sure where the sun went at night.

As you can see a total load of horse manure...

...but if he winds up being right there's no need to come back here and take a victory lap.

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