Sydney Sweeney Puts On A Wake Surfing Clinic, The Nerf Football That Meant Everything & Buy MJ's Letter
This is rat poison! This is why we must fight against the pumpkin spice latte crowd who wants to suck the life out of summer - #RespectSummer
The second I saw they used a Bon Iver song in this video is the second I knew my battle was on! There is scientific research that says Bon Iver literally translates to I'm a huge pussy who won't tell my wife ‘No’ to picking apples one Saturday followed by picking pumpkins the following Saturday.
Guys, I've been over it for years in this column: We must set some ground rules Have a backbone.
- Sunday, September 22 is the first day of fall. Don't even think about taking that flannel out of the closet before this date.
- We pick apples and find pumpkins on the same day; Find the Saturday when your team is playing an FCS (or Akron, Kent St., South Florida, etc.) and YOU suggest that Saturday for picking apples AND pumpkins. Honey, I think we should pick apples [enter date here] and then grab some lunch at a nice place I heard about that is on [enter body of water here] and then we can go for a walk at [enter park name here]. Then you're home by 6 p.m. to get locked and loaded for the late games you actually wanted to see.
- She'll have this moment in her memory bank, you sacrificed a Saturday during football season and she will think that the apples Just Mean More® than your silly college football game.
- BUT…BUT…you shouldn't even be addressing this stuff until Sunday, September 22 AFTER the 4 p.m. ET NFL games end.
- If you're listening to Bon Iver BEFORE September 22, seek help.
How should parents handle the college drop-off stage of life?
- John from SD asks:
It’s that time of the year: taking #1 to freshman year of college this week. Can we revisit the drop-off best practices? I remember this from a year or two ago and the difference in parents' philosophies was hilarious.
I’m pushing for the unpack the car, set up the room, and hit the road philosophy (maybe grab lunch), the wife not so much. Let’s hear some stories again.
Kinsey:
I drove myself two hours north to college, moved myself into the dorm and just thought that's how it was supposed to go until I realized parents actually come to drop their kids off.
My parents were probably working. Maybe I told them it was no big deal for me to move myself. All I know is that I moved in and that was it.
How is drop-off day supposed to go?
Email: joekinsey@gmail.com
Fantasy Football Team Name Suggestions
I asked readers for some ideas and you have delivered. I entered a pretty high-powered fantasy league this season after taking off several years of playing and I was having trouble coming up with a name. I want it to be special for this special league.
Years ago when I played in a league with a bunch of guys from Cleveland, my team name was The Art Modell Moving Company. This new league is with guys from all over the U.S. The old name just doesn't have the same pop.
- Bill in Dayton, Nevada writes:
I have been playing fantasy football for 25+ years now. here are some of the team names I have used.
Cerebral Assassins
Litle Ball of Hate
Collateral Damage
Testicular Fortitude
It Sucks To Be You
TTUN SUX!!!
Deshawn's Massage Parlor
- Rick G. in Ohio suggests:
JK Ballin’
- Pete in Arizona has some ideas:
As the commissioner of a 16 team Fantasy Football league starting our 37th season, yes, 37th, and an occasional contributor, how about these:
1. Boobs, Babes, Beer and Footballs
2. 2 putts, 2 boobs, 2 mowers all day
3. Screencap Models and Mowers
4. Screencaps Silent Majority Superstars
5. Screencaps: Real Men, Real women, Real Life.
6. Kamala's Knee Pads
7. Tampon Tim's leftovers
- Dave in Indy suggests:
BustinCaps
- Andy might have a winner here:
Come and Take It.
- MJP suggests:
9 jerks and a squirt
9 chumps 1 champ
- SRM says:
No Padding Required
- Pete in Perrysburg has one:
I offer you up my personal favorite that I created when I was working for a folding carton manufacturer (we made boxes for breakfast foods by the millions).
We were "The Cereal Killers".
Thanks for all that you do.
Screencaps readers needs your help with a guys' night menu
- Kirk in Naperville asks:
I'm having trouble making a decision and figured I'd solicit input from the massive brain power of Screencaps Nation. Every year I host a Whiskey and Cigar night with a small group of friends.
Everyone brings a bottle and whatever they want to smoke and we hangout, over-serve ourselves, and catch up.
I supply the food for the night and in the past we've made pulled pork sandwiches, chicken wings, etc. that I whip up on the Trager. I'm having trouble picking a lane for this year's gathering and was hoping to get some inspiration. Would love to get some suggestions from the group.
Kinsey:
This one is going to cause guys to stop working and email suggestions. Guaranteed. I don't smoke cigars, so I'm not the guy to ask about what foods pair with a cigar night.
Is it possible to rent a huge meat rack where you can spin the meat over a fire? That would make for a memorable night.
Jim T. in San Diego admits that he's a 38 handicap
- Jim T. writes:
Glad to see you score golf the right way. I carry a 38 handicap (thank God for the new handicapping system a few years ago, which was designed for duffers like me). But I’m okay with that. By not taking mulligans, by scoring by the book, I have a realistic idea of where my game is. I’ll get a couple pars every round, which in my mind is like a birdie, and that’s enough for me to enjoy.
BTW, when I was in college at San Diego State 40 years ago, my buddies and I used to play "beer golf" down at Mission Bay, the par 3 muni. The rules to beer golf are simple: You can subtract 1 stroke for every 12-ounce can of beer you finish on the course.
Now, there’s a fine line between subtracting strokes and adding them. For me (and I hardly drink at all anymore, and almost never when on the links), the secret was to pound 5 beers over the last 3 holes. I’d have maybe 2 over the first 15. So now I can subtract 7 strokes, and the last 5 beers didn’t really hit me until I was safely in the bar having a Coke to sober up.
Kinsey:
Jim, that has to be a record.
– Jim T. responded:
Fortunately, NOT a record! Lol …
R&A and USGA revamped it a few years ago (2020) because a majority of folks who golfed at least several times a year could not qualify for an accurate handicap under the old system (36.4 was the cap). The new max handicap is 54. (FAQs - What is the maximum Handicap Index? (usga.org))
I’ve also read often enough to believe it’s true that 80 percent of regular golfers cannot break 100 on a full-length course.
And USGA has now rolled out a universal short-course handicap system. This should encourage more kids to carry a handicap, as well as let seniors who can no longer enjoy a full-length course continue to carry their handicap.
Kinsey:
I need to see how bad a 54 handicap golfer is. Here's a great thread on 50+ handicap golfers. Enjoy.
National Tractor Pull Week – FULLLLLLLLLLLLL PULLLLLLLLLLLL
- Mercer County Matt writes:
Been reading about you back to Bowling Green. Depending on what day(s) you are going, keep an eye out for this truck. I believe they pull on Thursday evening and Saturday afternoon. Very good friend from Spencerville, Oh. Him and his father take turns driving. It is very much a family affair. His dad used to pull way back when he was younger.
Kinsey:
Great truck name. Great event. Great people watching. There's rain in the forecast Friday, so things could get dicey for our plans. We'll see how it works out this year.
High school football is back
- Ridge Runner writes:
Hey, Joe, while still respecting summer until the bitter end, as a former Hendersonville Commando back before electricity, this time of year always gets me thinking about the start of high school football Friday nights and the end of suffering through two-a-days.
With that in mind, here's the greatest high school football song you never heard, "No. 29" by Steve Earle & the Dukes from his second album, Exit 0.
A little more bittersweet than Chesney's excellent "The Boys of Fall," still Earle, a Texas native, really nails the guy who's greatest achievements were on the high school football gridiron and the rest of life is just a long, plodding epilogue.