Subway Footlong Cookie Review, Mandy Rose Cashes In, Say Goodbye To Hooters & Dez Bryant Scores Again
Hooters is gone too soon, Dez Bryant and Mandy Rose cash in, and Subway misses the mark. All that and a few dad jokes are wrapped up ever so tightly, right here, in a Wednesday edition of Nightcaps.
Hope you're thirsty, my friends.
While the bartender digs us out some of those big, fancy ice cubes, let's start things off with a snack, shall we? A few months back, I told you that Subway would soon be releasing footlong chocolate chip cookies (and mixed in a ranking of the chain’s different types of cookies). Yesterday afternoon, I took the footlong for a test drive.
You should know the sandwich artists do a hell of a job dressing up 12 inches worth of cookie. Upon ordering, they wait until your sandwich has been prepared and wrapped, then they head back to a container that stores the cookies - a different container than the one near the register that houses the standard Subway cookies. The footlongs have their own penthouse, not to be bothered with the macadamia nuts of the world.
And yes, I suppose you could get just a cookie and not the sandwich too, but what fun would that be?
Once the footlong leaves its temporary home, it finds its way into the microwave. After a quick spin cycle, the cookie slides into its very own footlong bag before being sealed with a Subway sticker to keep the bag tight and the cookie warm.
Perfectly packaged Subway cookie.
( )
Presentation: solid A.
After a roughly 7-minute drive from the sandwich chain to my house, I laid the cookie (still in its own bag) on the kitchen counter. I couldn’t dive in just yet. I’m not an animal. After all, I had a turkey and bacon sub to cleanse my palette before I consumed 12 inches of cookie (go hard or go home).
Finally, it was time to dance with Subway’s latest and greatest. I slid that chocolate chip out of the bag while still keeping it in its prepackaged black tray. To my surprise, it was still warm to the touch.
12" of Subway cookie
(Anthony Farris iPhone)
Subway doesn't cheat on the footlong.
(Anthony Farris iPhone.)
Subway provided a plastic fork and knife in the event I wanted to consume these calories while wearing a suit and tie. I was doing no such thing. I like my wine from a box, my household napkin holder to be a variety pack, filled with the finest paper from McDonald's, Taco Bell, and, on this day at least, Subway. So, no, I didn't need any utensils other than my own paws.
The fork and knife weren't necessary.
(Anthony Farris iPhone)
Once mouth met cookie, I was instantly disappointed. Immediately, I recognized that the hype did not meet the taste. Though warm and soft, the cookie lacked flavor. Not enough chocolate and too much of whatever else makes up a cookie - we'll go with flour.
Taste: C+
Plenty of chocolate but too much cookie.
(Anthony Farris iPhone)
As I suspected, they went with quantity over quality. Rather than being the best, they wanted to be the biggest. And it's a shame. Nightcaps readers know, I hold Subway cookies in the highest regard. But, much like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ditching their creamsicle digs for a modern-day ensemble of blah, Subway didn't recognize that what they already had was a thing of beauty.
The cookie is too thick.
Remember that, size queens.
Dez Bryant Hits Big
From big cookies to big bets we go, courtesy of former Cowboys star, Dez Bryant. Though he's been out of action since 2020, Bryant's still collecting NFL-type money thanks to a recent parlay. Over the weekend, Bryant hit a 13-leg parlay that paid $416,970.35. Not bad, considering he waged only $767.68.
After going 12-for-12, Bryant had the option, through BetMGM Sportsbook, to cash out for more than $79k or let it ride. Wisely, Bryant chose to let it ride. After already cashing in on the likes of Santa Clara and Pepperdine, Dez needed Nevada to beat UNLV.
Dez Bryant hit for more than $400k on a 13-leg parlay. (Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images)
Ultimately, the Wolfpack did just that, topping the Runnin' Rebels by 3, increasing Bryant's bank account by nearly a half-million dollars.
Bryant's NFL contracts, by the way, totaled more than $57 million. Good to see him finally catch a break.
Hooters Building Receives Proper Burial
I have no real transition to slide from Dez Bryant to Hooters, but I'm going to assume the man appreciates beers, wings and waitresses with little orange shorts and big…personalities. So, welcome to the Hooters portion of Nightcaps. It's in this spot that I'm happy to report you have two days to prepare yourself for a candlelight vigil to lay rest to a West Virginia Hooters location.
The good ones always go too soon.
A Kanawha City (Charleston area), WV Hooters closed way back in 2020, but the building has remained, complete with signage, ever since. That will soon change, however, as the building is being demolished later this month and replaced with a Sheetz.
Heartless.
Knowing how much Hooters means to so many, a Facebook group has organized a candlelit vigil to say one final goodbye to the beloved wing joint prior to its demolition.
Event created by Leonard Browning and Drew Cook on Hooters of Charleston Facebook page.
(Hooters of Charleston (Facebook) )
Per the event organizers, Leonard Browning and Drew Cook:
"Its Finally official. We have all in one way shape or form been holding on to pure hope that someone would purchase the closed building down that once was the almighty H00ters and reopen it. That seems to not be the case. The building will begin being demoed on Feb 26th. 2024. With this being said, lets all gather in remembrance of the amazing power that was brought to us all by H00ters with a Candle Light Visual at the Kanawha City Location. Bring your candles and signs and lets let H00ters and the city know we will miss it tremendously. We will have Chicken wings with the traditional H00ters sauce on site and a limited amount of the GOAT SANDWICH "The Strip Cheese". Please share and be there, "Every Hour is Happy Hour at H00ters."
Goodbyes are never easy. But, somehow, Hooters makes it even harder.
ESPN Takes Slow News Day To New Level
In addition to Hooters, we've recently had to say goodbye to the NFL and, albeit briefly, NBA basketball. This is an absolute dead period for sports. You're either watching NASCAR - when it's not in a rain delay - college hoops, or re-watching The Office for the umpteenth time. Plenty of big name sports radio hosts take vacation this week because you can only complain about the NBA's All-Star game for so long, there's really not much else to talk about. Hell, some may even resort to reviewing 12" cookies from sandwich chains.
Wait, what?
Anyway, at least some of us try and get creative. ESPN, not so much.
Fox Sports' Doug Gottlieb noticed as much on Monday evening, tweeting (or is it now X-ing?) a screenshot of ESPN.com's top headlines. Said stories included new Dodger Shohei Ohtani hitting a home run DURING BATTING PRACTICE.
Couldn't they at least toss Mock Draft 9.0 up there? Too soon for a March Madness "Bubble Watch?"
Stay tuned next week for such headlines as: "LeBron James hits consecutive free throws in Lakers practice" and "Tiger Woods drains put on practice green."
Tiger Woods And I Are One And The Same
Speaking of Eldrick Woods, he and I share quite a few similarities. Never mind the bank accounts, bench press numbers and swing. I'm talking about our shared disdain for the unquestioned, most-disgusting food on the planet, pickles.
As I'm sure most of you saw - in between reading about Ohtani hitting BP bombs - Tiger Woods' In-N-Out Burger preference is a double-double with no spread and no pickles.
He chooses to go with no pickles because he respects his taste buds and has class.
I don't care that he was sick and had to withdraw from the Genesis Invitational a day after his pickle-less burger. If anything, those pickles would've made him sicker.
Good for Tiger. I can't stand the circular green slime that creeps its way onto an In-N-Out Burger or a Chick-fil-A sandwich. If they're so great, why are they hiding under the meat, waiting to surprise you? I'd trust the Taliban before I'd trust a pickle. Can't win with ‘em. I want nothing to do with pickles. In fact, if a pickle so much as grazes a french fry occupying my plate (or wrapper, who are we kidding?), I won’t touch the fry.
I'm so anti-pickle that I'd almost consider voting for a liberal if they opted to cancel pickles.
Come get this vote!
Mandy Rose Is Cashing In
Now, let's talk about something considerably more pleasant, like Mandy Rose, a former WWE superstar. Rose, real name Amanda Rose Saccomanno, has become almost as popular, or maybe more, than when she was a part of WWE. That relationship ended in December 2022 when the wrestling promotion canned Rose after they discovered she was selling subscription-based adult content online.
Mandy Rose is cashing in with OnlyFans. (Photo by Thomas Concordia/Getty Images for DC Miami Swim Week)
As it turns out, Rose's WWE ouster has given her more time to create content and cash checks. Big, big checks.
Rose previously noted that the subscription site she was originally posting content on, FanTime, earned her more than $1 million. She recently took her talents to OnlyFans where subscribers are continuing to back up the Brink's truck. Still, no one has topped one fan's contributions from her original subscription-based site.
"I’ve had one person, and I won’t say any names. One person — and this was on FanTime — spend $55,000 on me," Rose recently told the Power Alphas podcast. "One person. $55,000."
Even Mandy was surprised by the dough her thirsty subscriber shelled out. "I’m like, ‘Wow, what does he do for a living that he’s able to spend this kind of money on one person? And it wasn’t even in like, I mean it was definitely over a little time period, but it was… yeah," Rose, 33, added. "Wild. So, thank you!"
Good for Mandy. If you got it, flaunt it. And better yet, if someone's willing to pay five figures for it, flaunt it some more.
And while we're here, are OnlyFans accounts becoming the new podcasts? Everyone has one. Then again, I'm not sure if anyone's paying $55k to see the fellas from 2 Bears, 1 Cave drop their drawers. But ya never know.
NBA's All-Star Game Stunk And Saturday Press Conference Provided A Fitting Preview
At least Mandy's performing in exchange for a hefty income. NBA All-Stars…not so much. The hefty income is there, but not the performance. As I mentioned above, about the only thing to do sports-wise this week is bash the NBA's All-Star events. And I have no shame joining that chorus. All-Star Saturday Night used to be appointment viewing for me. I wanted to see Jordan, Kobe, and Vince Carter in the Dunk Contest and Bird, Mark Price and Steph Curry raining threes.
Those were the appetizers for Sunday's main course when East vs. West was about pride and bragging rights. Now, it sucks. The entire weekend is a snoozer filled with no names on Saturday night, then household names on Sunday who'd rather be anywhere else in the world.
But, maybe we should've known we were in for a stink fest when Curry and Sabrina Ionescu held a press conference following their Saturday evening competition and were interrupted by a toilet.
If only we could've flushed away the rest of the NBA's weekend.
How About That Dad Joke?
When we first started drinking - or is it reading? - this afternoon, I mentioned there would be dad jokes. And I'd be nothing but a cookie-filled poor attempt of a man if I didn't deliver what I promised. So settle into your New Balance's, fire up the closed caption and tuck that t-shirt into your jeans, it's officially Dad o'clock.
I just hope Joe Kinsey and the Thursday Night Mowing League are listening…
Did you hear about the houses next door to each other that fell in love?
It's a lawn-distance relationship.
Have a great dad joke? Send it my way: anthony.farris@outkick.com or on X, @OhioAF, and it just may make its way into Nightcaps.
Let's Do This Again
I've given you cookies, Hooters, and jokes and called ahead to make sure pickles wouldn't be anywhere in sight. So my work here is done. I'll see you next week for more of the same. In the meantime, enjoy the crumbs!
*Nightcaps is published at roughly 4pm (usually sooner) Monday through Friday.
Follow along on X: @OhioAF or email me, anthony.farris@outkick.com