Steve Ballmer Talks Toilets, Dan Orlovsky Played Hoops Day After Vasectomy, Revisiting Michael Jordan’s ‘Last Dance,’ Will Ferrell’s Awkward In Indy, Borg Booze And More
Hold your frozen peas and fix yourself a drink, we'll get to ESPN's Dan Orlovsky getting snipped and Steve Ballmer's urinal excitement in just a minute.
Since we haven't shared this space since last week, let me fill you in. I spent the weekend pretending it was spring 2020, minus the abundance of masks, sanitizer and day drinking.
Scratch that last part.
Anyways, I rewatched multiple episodes of The Last Dance (Bulls/Michael Jordan doc) for the umpteenth time. Best sports series EVER. That’s not up for debate, because this is my column and I leave the debates up to Frank Ricard and the boys from Lambda Epsilon Omega. (Don’t worry, there’s more Frank content below).
One thing continues to bother me about MJ’s unbeataBulls. Upon three-peating for a second time, the Bulls, and Jordan in particular, celebrated in what HAS to be the strangest way of any title winner in at least 40 years.
By my account, not a single Bull showered or changed out of their uniform following the game. Instead, they opted to go straight to the hotel after champagne showers in the locker room. No post game fits or hitting the town. (Yes, I know they won in Utah, but you have to figure a couple of snow bunnies would’ve been down to party with the champs).
Even stranger, Michael Jordan celebrated by playing the piano in his hotel room with seemingly dozens of media members squished around him. They forcibly laughed as MJ stumbled his way through a few notes that were accompanied by made up lyrics that were about as funny as a Colbert show monologue. Oh, and MJ was still in his uniform, too.
I don’t get it.
Frank Ricard (played by Will Ferrell) on the other hand, knew how to get after it. So what better way to dive deeper into a Wednesday edition of Nightcaps then with a Frank the Tank sighting?
Will Ferrell Gets Awkward In Indy
Basically anything Ferrell does is funny. But his Monday appearance at the Pacers game was nearly as awkward as Jordan’s 1998 run as a Salt Lake City pianist.
Case in point:
Yep, that's Ferrell sitting in half an Indy car ahead of the Pacers' Monday night game against the 76ers. And 50 Cent is behind him awkwardly holding on, pushing and pulling the car. Some things are better left unexplained.
But, predictably, Ferrell didn't leave Indianapolis without dishing out laughs. That included asking Pacers players if they wanted to sip his beer pregame.
Dan Orlovsky Was Hooping Hours After Vasectomy
Speaking of hoops, former NFL QB and current ESPN analyst Dan Orlovsky was tickling the twine just hours after a doctor ensured Orlovsky would be shooting blanks for the rest of his days.
Appearing on The Dan Patrick Show earlier this week, Orlovsky shared his unique vasectomy story.
"I had a vasectomy planned, we went on a trip to Napa with friends," Orlovsky shared. "Had a vasectomy planned for the week after. On the plane ride home my wife's like 'I don't feel good.' I jokingly go like, 'Oh, you're pregnant.' Long story short, she was pregnant."
Orlovsky later added, "Played basketball the next morning." The Bridgeport, CT native later added: "Connecticut kids are tough."
Shooters shoot.
Orlovsky would've been the ideal person to take advantage of Jack Link's March vasectomy promotion (yeah, it's a real thing). The premium meat snack company is gifting "tender meat for tender meat," - their words, not mine - this month. Basically, if you have the bullets removed from the gun, they'll send you a bunch of meat, an ice pack, Sasquatch socks and more.
What I'm (Not) Eating This Week
It's rare that I crave chocolate. But when I do, you bet your ass I want, ya know, chocolate. Give me the milky-smooth stuff and all the damn calories. DO NOT give me vegan chocolates. Ya, that's a thing now.
The only oates I want associated with me is 3x Super Bowl champion, Bart Oates. Obviously.
Bart Oates seems like a guy who enjoys a nightcap, but not vegan chocolates. (Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images).
Oh, and if you didn't already know, too much chocolate can supposedly make you crash. Kind of like these idiots who were eluding police:
I'll Pass On Borg Booze
Some of my better days were spent binge drinking, a trend I don't plan to stop partaking in anytime soon. But, I won't be one of the dum-dums who downs a "borg" of booze to fit in on TikTok then later end up hospitalized.
Per the New York Post, UMass students are sucking down "plastic gallon jugs (borgs) filled with a mixture of alcohol, electrolytes, flavoring and water." The water and electrolytes keep you hydrated, enabling you to drink until you come close to seeing Jesus.
Somewhere there's a "UAss" joke in here.
College students are guzzling booze borge's in the latest dumb TikTok trend. Photo c/o WWLP
Speaking of drinks, Sunny D is already so good, I'm not sure you need to tinker with it. But, if the tinkering involves vodka, maybe screwdrivers is the way to go?
Then again, maybe we should leave the new Sunny D's to the ladies. You know what they say about guys who suck on seltzers...
Visiting The Jersey (Are You) Sure?
About the only thing that could make Senior Seltzer appear halfway respectable is if he showed up in a J.R. (don't call me Isaiah) Rider Nuggets jersey like this guy did at NBA Summer League a few moons ago. Hat tip to OutKick editor Matt Wiley who recognized the ridiculousness of this jersey, snapped a pic, saved it and gifted it to me. I then turned around and shared it with you, the readers, essentially making this our own version of a white elephant gift exchange.
In other unique jersey news, #nightcaps reader Jeff Kirkwood spotted this gem at a Cleveland game and did some investigating after sending my way.
Cleveland fan rocks a Herbert or Gaylord Perry jersey at the ballpark.
My man's scoring the game in Cleveland amongst a sparse crowd in a Herbert Perry jersey! Herbert freakin Perry! He spent parts of nine seasons in the bigs, mainly with the Indians. As if you didn't know that...
And settle down Karen, they were still the Indians when Herbert was doing his thing. Nightcaps reader Jeff even noted that most would assume this was a Gaylord Perry (Hall of Famer) jersey. He too played for Cleveland and wore #36. But, as Jeff pointed out, Gaylord sported a "G." on the back of his uni.
What a find.
If you spot odd jerseys, preferably in odd places, send them my way: anthony.farris@outkick.com or @OhioAF.
Wait, I Think I Found A Seltzer Guzzler...
Mike Golic should thank God everyday that Mike and Mike is no more.
Canadian Tuxedo Update Via Reader Richard
While we're on the subject of reader solicited feedback. Richard Mooney let me know that my take on rocking one half of a Canadian tuxedo while skiing wasn't shared by the masses.
Per Richard: "I spent about 30 years (20 to 50) skiing in jeans in California and Oregon. Comfortable, flexible, stylish (not puffy), free as you already own them, and in my younger days I way to stand out for the ladies. Plus, western snow is pretty dry even when you do fall. I only gave it up when I got old enough that my daughter got old enough to make fun of me . . ."
I'm not ready to commit to denim on the slopes. A bicycle on the other hand...
Steve Ballmer Is A Gift
Find yourself someone who loves you as much as Clippers billionaire owner Steve Ballmer loves toilets.
If you didn't already know, Steve Ballmer's an electric factory of content.
Steve Ballmer might be game to suck down a few borg's, right?
Jungle Juice Time
We've reached the portion of nightcaps where I’m gonna throw a bunch of shit together in this spot and hopefully you’ll like more of it than you don’t. Regardless, it’s guaranteed to make you feel some kind of way.
Bottom’s up!
Who Knew POTUS Got Down Like That?
I have to admit, I didn't think President Biden had it in him. If this is to be believed, it appears the Oval Office will finally be getting some post-Bill Clinton action.
Alright, that's it from me. I'm two days away from a trip to OutKick HQ in Nashville. I'd warn the Tennessee folk to hide their daughters, but I'm old and married so, hide your appetizer samplers, I'm gonna be comin in hot!
*OutKick’s Nightcaps is a daily column that runs weekdays around 4pm EST.
Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF