Steph Curry Gets Musical, Harry And Meghan Make Amends, MiLB Team Clowns Tim Anderson, Flying Car Crashes And Dogs With Bike Burglars

I am happy to announce I have made it through one week of Sober August.

For those of you who weren't here last week (rude, but OK), I don't drink in August. Each year, it's just a reset month for me after too many summer shenanigans.

So I've been settling for "mocktails" made with non-alcoholic wine like a complete and total loser.

But let me tell you something: If my six numbers get pulled in tonight's Mega Millions drawing, "Sober August" is gonna turn into "Copious Amounts of Expensive Champagne" August real quick.

In fact, just in case we win, we've already picked out the $65-million, 383-acre Nashville estate we'll call home.

That's not too much to ask, right?

But it has me curious: If you were to hit the $1.55 billion jackpot tonight, what is the first thing you'll buy? And don't tell me something boring like "pay off my credit cards." Obviously you'll do that. I'm talking about your first big F-you-money type purchase.

Head over to X or email me and let me know.

The drawing will happen at 11 p.m. ET. Until then, though, let's go ahead and get this show on the road.

Grab yourself literally anything other than a sh-tty fake wine mocktail. It's Nightcaps time!

Car Drives Through Second Story of Home

A little mentality hack for you: Next time you're feeling down, just say to yourself, "At least a car didn't drive through my second-story window today."

Because that's exactly what happened to some poor soul in Pennsylvania.

Police say 20-year-old Evan Miller is facing a slew of charges after he purposely launched his Toyota Corolla into the second floor of a home.

Which is not surprising because this would be REALLY hard to do on accident.

Imagine explaining that to the insurance company.

Apparently he first drove the car into a ditch and then ramped himself into the house.

It took crews two hours to remove the vehicle, and, thankfully, Miller was the only person injured in the crash.

Investigators have not revealed a motive for the stunt nor have they announced whether Miller actually knew the homeowner. I have so many questions.

But perhaps young Evan just did this family a favor, and hurling a car into their abode is just a new extreme HGTV way to demolish and renovate a home.

Because let's be real: From the plaid to the blue frilly drapes and the shag carpet, this house is a design nightmare.

Time for a South Park clip? Sure, why not.

Harry and Meghan Try To Make Amends

Imagine disowning your family, writing a tell-all book airing their dirty laundry, crying to Oprah about how awful they are, starring in a docuseries condemning their every move and then just being like, "LOL jk, sorry. Take us back."

Because that's exactly what Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are trying to do.

The royal pains in the ass are reportedly trying to "make amends" with Prince William by renting an apartment in Kensington Palace, according to a royal insider.

"He hopes that will please William and show that they're serious about coming back," the source told OK! Magazine. "Harry doesn't want to become a prisoner of the palace."

I don't know. Prisoner of the Palace seems like a solid title for a Netflix original.

This photo has nothing to do with anything, but it made me laugh. (Photo by Leon Neal/Getty Images)

The royal pains in the ass have worn out their welcome in the United States. And they know it.

Since South Park absolutely dismantled Harry and Meghan and Spotify cut ties with them after dropping $20 million for one podcast episode no one listened to, their sob story has lost its luster.

So now, they're heading back to the palace with their tails between their legs.

And William and Kate need to treat them like a cheating ex boyfriend: Change the locks and block the phone number.

Or they can just send them this.

Is Steph Curry Eying a Career in Music?

In case you didn't read Gunz's story earlier today, Steph Curry joined Paramore on stage Sunday in San Francisco and belted out every word to "Misery Business."

And this is actually the best clip I've seen from a Paramore show in a long time. Mostly because it doesn't contain a screaming lecture from Hayley Williams about politics.

The four-time NBA champ and his wife Ayesha attended the show together — fresh off their 12th anniversary trip to Greece.

Turns out, the Currys have been fans of Paramore for a long time, and the band even performed at Steph's 30th birthday party in 2018.

That said, are we starting to see a post-basketball career evolving for Steph Curry?

Last week, the Golden State Warriors point guard starred in the "Lil Fish, Big Pond" music video with Tobe Nwigwe.

If you don't know who that is, me neither. But Google tells me he's a rapper and Grammy-nominated lyricist.

Anyway, the video is hokey and hilarious — although I'm not sure it's supposed to be. Steph rocks a bucket cap and floats in a fishing boat while rapping his life story: "They know I'm the one/Daddy taught me how to flick my wrist, I'm my father's son/Think I'm pistol-packing, how that ratchet on me like a gun/They should put the basket in a casket after I am done."

OK, so it's not actually Steph rapping on the track. But after seeing him flex his pipes on stage with Paramore, who knows? Maybe he's got some future tricks up his sleeve.

Minor League Team Mocks Tim Anderson

If you missed the epic brawl between Chicago White Sox shortstop Tim Anderson and Cleveland Guardians slugger Jose Ramirez over the weekend, you probably live under a rock.

But just in case, a quick recap: Ramirez slid into second base with more force than Anderson expected. Anderson put up his dukes. Ramirez knocked Anderson out cold.

Roll the tape.

And as if a six-game suspension isn't enough punishment for Tim Anderson, a minor league baseball team is piling on.

The Guardians' high-A affiliate Lake County Captains are hosting "Jose Ramirez Appreciation Week."

Not only will all dudes named Tim get a free ticket to sit in the grass, but fans also get to compete in a home run punch jersey and a punch out competition in the '80s arcade!

Fun for the whole family!

The Captains — who play in Eastlake, Ohio — also vowed to build a statue of Ramirez if their tweet got 500 likes. It did, so we'll see if they follow through.

Jose Ramirez played for the Captains in the second half of 2012 and led the team in batting average (.354), on-base percentage (.403), total bases (128), doubles (13) and runs (54) the rest of the season.

Man Befriends Family Dog Before Stealing Bike

Worst guard dog ever.

Homeowners in San Diego accidentally left their garage door open, so a thief decided to help himself to his $1300 bicycle in the middle of the night.

That is, until the family's vicious pet golden retriever stopped the stranger dead in his tracks!

Just kidding, the dog kissed him and rolled over for a belly rub.

That loser is lucky the pup was a total derp. My overprotective mutt would have chomped his balls off.

Police are reportedly still looking for the guy, but I think I speak for everyone when I say: At least he didn't take the dog.

A burglar trying to nab my fur-child would be enough to turn me into Liam Neeson real quick.

Things That Made Me LOL ...and some things that didn't

Fellas, get you a woman who wants you as badly as this girl wanted a foul ball.

I'm not sure how this kid even walks, let alone plays football.

I have this recurring nightmare that I'm driving along and I come to a bridge that is way too steep — almost straight up and down. I attempt to drive up the bridge until, finally, my car falls backward. Before I hit the ground in a fiery crash, I wake up in a cold sweat, heart racing.

This is my nightmare.

Dude tries to shoulder 315 on the Smith machine and folds like a lawn chair.

...and this is how that same guy will be walking for several days afterward.

It's honestly hard to believe this is real. If you've ever wanted to see the inside of a volcano but you don't want to dissolve into molten lava, here you go.

Please enjoy various pooches attempting to catch hot dogs.

Not sorry about this next one. Parents, y'all can fight me.

And finally — congratulations. You've made it through your Tuesday.

Try to attack the rest of your week the same way Logan Paul attacked Ricochet.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X (or Twitter, if you're still calling it that) at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.