Steak 'n Shake Makes Major Change Thanks To RFK Jr., And Fat Libs Will Be Furious

We're three days away, boys and girls. Three days. The moving trucks are en route. The beds are being stripped, and turnover service has begun. I assume all the floors are being cleaned after Biden's stupid dog shed everywhere for years and years – between biting the shit out of people, of course. 

Starting around noon on Monday, the adults return to the White House. Donald J. Trump resumes his duties as commander-in-chief. On top of that, he's bringing an absolute entourage of superstars with him. 

Who, you ask?

Let's start with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. RFK, as the kids call him. Not a MAGA guy per se, but a MAHA guy. He's about to make our fat asses so healthy again, your heads are gonna spin. 

Ever thought to yourself, ‘God, I wish I looked like a Kennedy.’ Well, you're about to. RFK hates seed oils. He hates food dyes. You wanna touch a carbohydrate? Your ass better be running five miles that night to get rid of it. 

No saturated fats. No added sugar. No pasturized milk. Raw milk ONLY, starting Monday. No bird flu here, baby!

And also, you better start reading up on Beef Tallow. That's a big one for RFK Jr. And if you don't believe me, just ask the folks over at your nearest Steak 'n Shake. 

They're already trembling in their boots:

Steak 'n Shake gets in line

Incredible. He hasn't even been confirmed yet, and RFK is already making us all less disgusting and fat. God, this country is about to be so fit you won't even recognize us by the time 2028 rolls around. 

And yes, of course he should be ‘thanked for this,' in the same way he should be thanked for the FDA BANNING the red food dye earlier this week. 

You know who warned us about the dangers of food dyes last year? RFK. Now, three days before Trump takes office, the FDA BANS something that they should've banned 40 years ago? OK, that's just a coincidence, I'm sure. 

Same with Steak ‘N Shake and the beef tallow. Oh, you don’t think Steak 'n Shake saw this little video from RFK last Thanksgiving and started getting a little nervous?

Yeah, I'm sure they're not related! 

Welcome to the MAHA world, Steak 'N Shake. Thanks for #MakingAmericaHealthyAgain. Great burgers, great shakes, and now, great – and healthy! – fries. 

I already feel less fat and disgusting. 

Let's go have a big Friday.