Sovereignty Wins Big, Jet Settin’ Bernie Sanders, New Pope Replaces Pope Classic
It’s Saturday, which means it’s time to catch up on all the news from the week that was — and there was some big stuff that happened this week — with an all-new edition of The Punch-Up!
Man, where do we even begin?
We had Sovereignty winning the Kentucky Derby, we had raging hypocrite Bernie Sanders getting called out for his private jet habit, and, oh yeah, there’s a new pope and he hails from the United States!
Say it with me! USA! USA! USA!
Alright, let’s get rolling!
Bill Gates says that he plans to give away all of his wealth and close his foundation by 2045. He also said he has several palettes of Zune music players and Windows phones sitting in his garage if anyone wants to take them.
Simon Cowell revealed that a couple once asked him to judge them having sex for $150,000. That’s a lot of money when fellow former American Idol Judge Steven Tyler would’ve done it for free.
Tom Brady says that he "f--ked up" by agreeing to take part in last year’s Netflix roast. He went on to say that he feels the most guilty about the fact that taking part in the roast created a platform that skyrocketed Nikki Glaser’s career.
The President of the Art Institute of Chicago is accused of stripping naked on a United Airlines flight. He claims it was just part of a new performance art piece called "Nude Lunatic On A Plane."
Someone won over $52,000 after betting that Cardinal Robert Prevost would become the next pope. That man celebrated his win by checking into a rehab facility for degenerate gamblers.
Bernie Sanders defended his decision to fly privately on his recent speaking tour despite claiming that he’s fighting oligarchy. So, even Sanders agrees that flying Spirit is way worse than oligarchy.
The man who crashed into Jennifer Aniston’s gate was driving a PT Cruiser. The actress knew the man had to be a stalker or something because no one she knows would be caught dead in a PT Cruiser.
This year’s Kentucky Derby saw the race’s highest ratings since 1989. Most tuned without caring about horse racing, they just liked the notion of watching Journalism lose.
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Got all of that?
Excellent, see you back here next week!